Traffic Jam

Most newcomers to Beijing have been warned in advance about the heavy traffic that they will experience in the city. This does little to prepare them for the gridlock that awaits them once they arrive. Weaving through traffic, whether in a vehicle or by foot is quite an endeavour. In rush hour, the approximately four kilometer long trip from my home in Dawanglu to my office in Guomao takes one hour by bus. There are four major intersections in between, and it takes 10-15 minutes to cross each one. If I am late leaving my apartment in the morning I walk one, two, or three stops down. The number of stops depends on how late I am. I board the bus when I have caught up to where I would have been in if I had been riding the bus all along.

The cars, buses, and trucks spill on to the bike lanes once they have clogged up the roads. Smaller motorized vehicles, bicycles, and people fit through the empty spaces to be found amongst the larger vehicles, often barely squeezing past. Traffic comes from all directions. Although vehicular traffic is chaotic and slow, this is not to say that those walking are actually moving swiftly or smoothly. In fact pedestrians are waddling at a very relaxed pace, so as not to break a sweat, trip over uneven pavement, or collide with a defecating child. Sudden stops are not uncommon either, as a certain item being sold by a street side vendor may have caught their attention, they may have forgotten where they were going, or had the urge to clear their throats by collecting large amount of phlegm and indiscriminately spitting this out on to the street or on innocent bystanders. Although I have become adept at navigating the streets and sidewalks of Beijing, I have yet to perfect the latter practice.

 ********

“There are no traffic jams when you go the extra mile.”

Let a Thousand Flowers Bloom

When not instant messaging, napping, working, or watching subtitled episodes of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants on their computer, Chinese cubicle dwellers often play a web-based game that involves planting flowers and watering them. Occasionally another player comes along and steals a plant, upsetting the victimized player who has been robbed of a chance to smell the roses. Having never played it myself, I presume the social aspect of the game is what makes it so captivating.

*****

"Letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land."

- Chairman Mao

Training Day

I completed an epic 24 hour train journey from Beijing to Hong Kong. In the process, I saw the Chinese landscape through the windows of my compartment and felt the warmth of the Chinese people through my heart. Most of my trip was spent on a long distance train from Beijing to Shenzhen. Fellow travelers took great interest in the presence of a foreigner, especially one of such indecipherable origins and universal appeal. Intrigued passengers gathered around from nearby compartments to see what the hullabaloo was about.

Through the help of an interpreter I explained all the exotic foods I wished to eat while in China. The men roared with approval while the women squirmed in disgust. One chap led me to his compartment so I could practice English with him. He was going overseas for the first time to give a presentation to some Germans and was understandably nervous. Since I understood most of what he was saying, he was relieved and a great burden was lifted from his back.

Located directly north of Hong Kong on the Pearl River delta, Shenzhen is China's first Special Economic Zone (SEZ). In a SEZ many legal restrictions are lifted or eased by the government, allowing business to flourish. Shenzhen has developed rapidly from a small fishing village to a busy megapolis in three decades. From the Shenzhen train station, it was only a short walk to the subway which would take me to Hong Kong. I went through customs before hopping on board. This 40 minute subway ride pushed my total travel time to a day. My journey from Beijing to Hong Kong had come to an end.

*****

"Most of my treasured memories of travel are recollections of sitting."– Robert Thomas Allen

Speechless

I was returning to work after having lunch. I had just eaten noodles, accompanied by chrysanthemum tea and several coworkers. As we approached my office tower, one of my colleagues pointed out a large gathering of beautiful women in the lobby area. All the security guards had gathered around the flock of fetching females, their jaws on the floor. Since I focus on the inner beauty of a person, I had not immediately noticed that they were all stunners. About 30 eager young women in high heels and full make up were present for the ARNABabe auditions.

I had not organized the event, nor had the Beijing chapter of my fan club, so I approached a cluster of cuties to determine why they had suddenly appeared in my midst. No response was given. They were completely speechless. Some surmised the blank looks on their face were a sign of adoration for the Indo-Canadian Temptation. Others mistook it as a visual display of their confusion at hearing English words for the first time in real life. My colleague, whose Chinese language skills surpass mine, was able to find out that they were trying out for roles in advertisements for either Trojan condoms or BMW automobiles. He was unable to ascertain which.

****************

"We live only to discover beauty. All else is a form of waiting."

- Kahlil Gibran

A Good Egg

On my first weekend in Beijing I got on the subway and headed in the direction of Tiananmen Square. There were two stops in the Tiananmen area on the line I was riding on - East and West. I got off at the Tiananmen West station and wandered around. I could not find the actual square,but I did stumble upon a peculiar egg shaped building. It turned out to be the National Center for the Performing Arts.

Designed by a French architect, the modern building stands out in an area that predominantly boasts traditional Chinese architecture. The controversial structure is surrounded by a pool of water. Titanium and glass form the yin and yang of the building's dome. It took me around twenty minutes to circumnavigate the complex. The sun set as I completed my round, with observers witnessing my bold silhouette framed against the backdrop of the glistening egg with awe and anticipation. A new chapter in China's storied history was about to begin.

*********

"If the stone fall upon the egg, alas for the egg! If the egg fall upon the stone, alas for the egg!"

- Ancient Proverb

The Bird's Nest and Other Olympic Venues

I emerged out of a subway station on the Olympic line, swapping my spectacles for my shades in one smooth motion as I entered the sunlight. A host of architectural wonders stretched out around me. Directly in front was the Bird's Nest, Beijing's showpiece for the 2008 Summer Olympics. Officially the stylish mesh of steel pillars is known as the National Stadium. The largest steel structure in the world can hold 80,000-90,000 people, but it has been lying largely dormant since the conclusion of the Games. Both the opening and closing ceremonies were held here.

To the west of the stadium was the translucent Water Cube and the iconic Pangu Plaza. The National Aquatic Center gets its distinct shimmering look from the ethylene tetrafluoroethylene (ETFE) polymer that was used to construct it. The plastic material is much cheaper than glass and also much lighter. 25 world records were broken in this pool, but its exquisite appearance is what draws the attention of the masses.

The highest tower in the Pangu Plaza is shaped like a dragon's head. In Chinese mythology, Pangu was the first living being and the uniter of heaven and earth. In neighbouring Korea, pangu means "fart". To the north of the Bird's Nest is the Olympic Forest Park, an open space with an artificial lake in the middle. The public is not allowed to walk on the grass here.

******

"Tender fragrant grass. How hardhearted to trample them." 

- Warning sign posted within the Olympic Green

Dumb Bus, Smart Bus, Empty Bus

In Beijing it is not an uncommon sight to see a caravan of identically numbered buses arrive at a bus stop one after the other. For example, bus #31 will be immediately followed by another bus #31 and yet another bus #31. This is often followed by a very long wait until the next cluster of buses arrive.

Each bus departs their starting point at regularly scheduled intervals, say every 10 minutes. At the first stop the mass of transit users converge on the first bus and try to get on board before everyone else. The pushing and shoving lasts approximately 1-3 minutes. Traffic also moves at an Arnab's pace in Beijing. During this time, the second bus on the same route has left the bus station and is now only around 10 minutes behind. Repeat this pattern a couple of more times, and by the second or third stop on the route the two buses are together. Another one to two stops later, all three buses will be within striking distance of each other. The cycle repeats after every 3 buses since by then another huge group of riders has gathered at the bus stop.

The swarm that enters the first bus leaves it packed to the brim. People are squashed against the windows and doors. All the seats on the second bus fill up quickly, but there is room to comfortably stand for the stragglers. The third bus obligatorily stops at each designated spot, but since 95% of the passengers have already boarded one of the two previous buses that arrived in the past minute it is left mostly empty. It is difficult to predict the change in arrival times that would take place if ridership was evenly distributed amongst the three buses, but at the very least the ride would be a lot more comfortable for most people.

******

"I'd rather go by bus." - Prince Charles

Hockey Morning in China

Hockey Night in Canada is a national institution. Every Saturday night, millions of hockey fans gather around their TV sets to watch the action on the ice and listen to a belligerent Don Cherry rant on Coach's Corner during the intermissions. As China is half a day ahead of Canada, I had the chance to catch a few of Vancouver's playoff games live the following morning. The Irish Volunteer, a pub in Beijing, was showing the games on TV using Slingbox video streaming technology. I watched the final two losses of Vancouver's season as they were eliminated by Chicago in 6 games after blowing a 2-1 series lead.

Vancouver's National Hockey League (NHL) team is called the Canucks. 'Canuck' is slang for 'Canadian'. The professional hockey team has a storied history of losing since it joined the league in 1970 as an expansion franchise. It has twice reached the Stanley Cup finals, but failed to secure a championship on either trip. The Stanley Cup is the most difficult sporting competition in the world. Four rugged rounds of best-of-7 series are played over a two month span, with the athletes playing through a myriad of injuries (broken bones, cracked ribs, concussions, etc.) for a chance to lift Lord Stanley's Cup. Power, skill, teamwork, and determination are demonstrated by the players of the coolest game on Earth on a nightly basis.

*******

Canadian Guy #1: I cannot believe that you didn't bring your hockey gear with you when you came to China!
Canadian Guy #2: My luggage had weight restrictions.
Canadian Guy #1: You could have left your wife at home then.

The Terracotta Warriors

I arrived in Xi'an on the same day that the excavations at the final resting place of the Terracotta Army restarted after a gap of over 20 years. After getting off the train and finding a hostel, my fellow travelers and I caught a bus to the necropolis. We saw thousands of life sized figures as soon as we arrived, but they turned out to be tourists.

A long walk awaited us before we finally reached the three pits containing the Terracotta Warriors. After entering a large warehouse, we came face to face with rows and rows of terracotta soldiers and horses. Discovered by peasants digging a well in 1974, the figures were constructed two centuries before the birth of Christ. The Terracotta Army protects China's first emperor in his journey through the afterlife. The statues have different expressions on their faces as craftsmen sculpted each uniquely. Many have lost body parts or weapons. Some of the horse figurines have lost their tail, leaving an embarrassing hole in their posterior.

*******

"It's worth much more than you pay for it." - Slogan on poster seen within the Terracotta Army tomb complex

Lonely Planet

After my presentation at Peking University concluded and before my Q&A period had commenced, I had been instructed by the organizers to ask the audience a trivia question related to my speech to make sure they had been following what I had been mumbling.

In true Slumdog Millionaire style, I provided four multiple choice options. Many hands went up in the crowd. I selected one eager individual and he answered my question correctly. One of the event organizers came up to me and handed me a Lonely Planet travel guide. The chap who had correctly answered my query ran up to me and vigorously shook my hand. I reciprocated before waving to the adoring audience and walking off the podium.

They immediately burst into laughter.

The Lonely Planet book was actually the prize for the person who was first to answer my question properly. I handed the book to my hand shaker, who was still waiting on stage to collect his reward. A female fan later told me that I had a severe case of the ARNABlushes during the incident, with my ears turning bright red.

*********

"The world, I found, has a way of taking a man pretty much at his own rating. If he permits his loss to make him embarrassed and apologetic, he will draw embarrassment from others. But if he gains his own respect, the respect of those around him comes easily." - Alexander de Seversky

Q and A

After my speech at Peking University concluded I ate Indian food with chopsticks for the first time. A newly opened Indian restaurant in the student area had generously provided dinner to all the attendees of the seminar. After finishing my meal and posing for a few photographs, I was rushed back on stage. It was time to answer some questions from the audience. The Q&A portion of my inaugural lecture at an institute of higher education drew great interest.

1. What is the religious composition of India?

The computational knowledge engine known as Wolfram Alpha spit out the following facts:

80.5% Hindu       
13.4% Muslim                                          
2.3% Christian
1.9% Sikh
1.9% Others (Buddhist, Jain, etc.)

They were in line with the estimates provided by myself using the computational knowledge engine known as the ARNABrain.

2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)

Yes, there are many cows to be found on the streets of India. Delhi is supposed to have at least 40,000 holy cows wandering its streets alone. The blessed bovines are revered by Hindus, so they are free to roam the roads unharmed. 

3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

This was the toughest question of the bunch, warranting further investigation. I muttered a convulated answer about how China has much greater infrastructure than India and equivalent educational instituitions, but is severely lagging behind in English language skills and in the free flow of information and knowledge that is continually transferred between India and the West.

********

“He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.” -  Voltaire

Speaking at Peking

I was invited to give a speech at Peking University, following a long line of accomplished orators such as Bill Clinton and Tony Blair. Consistently positioned at the top of China's university rankings, Peking University draws the brightest minds in the nation. There were four speakers including myself, each responsible for discussing a different geographical region of India. I gave an overview of my time living, working, and traveling in South India. I focused on my time in Bangalore and Hyderabad, briefly touching on trips to Kerala and Pondicherry.

The audience was made up mostly of Chinese students who gave me their complete attention. They were captivated by my delivery and awed by my gravitas. After my speech concluded and the applause died down, I was asked several intriguing questions by the audience members:

1. What is the religious composition of India?
2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)
3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

***********

"We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study." - Gandhi

How Cute

Many foreigners come to China to cash in on the highly lucrative English teaching industry, charging exorbitant hourly rates to teach a language that they themselves may or may not be fluent in. I had no such aspirations and offered my services free of charge, providing my coworkers with tips on the correct usage of words and their meanings. Somehow my female colleagues at Force Research ended up with the misconception that the word "cute" meant intelligent. As a result, whenever I did something clever (which was not a rare occurrence) they would tell me how cute I was.

***********

"You so cute." - Chinese girl

Angels and Demons

My Irish flatmate, his American colleague, and I form a formidable trio in Beijing. We are different enough from each other to keep things interesting, but similar enough to remain friends. A Filipina assessed our individual characteristics and came up with the following verbal portrait of our distinct natures:

1. The Irishman, a scoundrel of the highest order, is beyond redemption. She dubbed him a 'devil'.
2. The American 'bad boy' still has goodness in his heart and can one day return to the path of righteousness.
3. My noble nature is so pure and untarnished that there is a likelihood I could snap at any moment and fall into an abyss of sin (see point #1).

*******************

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." - Abraham Lincoln

ARNABungee: Notice to Jumping

Long Qing Xia is a scenic area located 90km away from Beijing. The Long Qing gorge hosted my first ever bungee jump. Before I leaped into the unknown, I pored over the warning notice that was posted near the entrance.

***********

Jumping down from the jumping platform is a real challenge to people of the world nowadays. It is also the bravers' enjoyment. Anyone who will join in this activity must pay attention to the following:

1. People who suffer hypertension, heart disease and mental disease are forbidden. The pregnant women and the people who drink are also not allowed to join in the activity.

2. If children under 18 want to join in it, they must have the guardians sign.

3. The jumpers must do everything under the conduct of the workers. Don't have fun or play in the public space of entertainment. Don't damage any facilities.

4. While doing jumping, one mustn't take your valuables or anything easy to drop with you.

5. Admission by ticket only. One has a ticket. The ticket that is sold can't be returned or exchange with others.

6. If anyone hesitates about jumping on the jumping platform beyond three minutes, he or she is considered to waive the right to jump.

Lost Wallet

I awoke on a sunny Saturday afternoon and got ready to do some sightseeing in Beijing. I locked the door to my room and put the keys in my pocket. Something was awry. Several denominations of Chinese currency (RMB) were in my pocket. My trusty phone was there also. So was my transit pass. Assorted pieces of lint were also present. But my wallet was missing!

I looked around my room, which was as spic and span as a country man. My wallet was AWOL. I expanded my search to all corners of my apartment, going over it with a fine toothed comb. I looked between the sofa cushions. I emptied the trash can. I checked the fridge. Nowhere to be found was my wayward wallet.

I wallowed in self pity for a few moments, munching on some meat-flavoured bean product that I bought from the local convenience store with some of my remaining change. Then I sprung into action, notifying my financial institutions of my misfortune. They canceled my credit cards immediately. I contacted the venues I recollected being at the night before, but they had not seen my misplaced wallet either. It was gone forever.

*****

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.” - Marcus Aurelius

People's Liberation

About to head off from Bangalore to Mahabalipuram for a beach weekend, a Korean and I made our way to the Majestic bus station. A bus heading to our destination arrived punctually at our scheduled departure time of 9:30 pm. We got on, only to be informed that this was actually the 8:30 pm bus. We got off and waited. In due time I headed off to the washroom. The dutiful Koreanette remained at the bus stop to watch over my travel gear.

I entered the public bathroom and found all the water closets occupied. Several uncomfortable minutes passed and the situation remained the same. I discovered that all the stalls were locked from the inside except for one. I could still hear noises coming from inside this one though. The stench was most foul. A poor soul seemed to be trapped inside, seeking deliverance at the hands of a fellow potty patron. I unlocked the door, and out popped a beleaguered looking fellow who quickly ran outside. I do not know how long he had been dwelling in the commode.

******************

"A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom." - Bob Dylan

Peking Dick

Beijing may be famous for its Peking duck, but some other specialties also stick out. At a roadside stall in Wangfujing I was offered a skewer of lamb penis that was being sold by a cocky food seller. He gave me the shaft. Not wanting to be a dick, I purchased and devoured the organ. My roommate did not want to be a member to the act, so he refrained from gobbling the knob. He felt like a wiener as he watched me chew on the sheep schlong.

My flatmate also vowed never to accompany me to the first specialty palace of phallus in the world. The Guolizhuang genital restaurant serves the love skin of various animals, boasting a virile customer base and strong growth prospects. Privately owned and operated, it is not a stop on any of the standard package tours.

Swine Dining

The swine flu epidemic has swept across the globe, putting fear in the hearts of men. While most of the world has pig on their mind I have it in my stomach. At Hadilao Hot Pot, I had pig brains accompanied with helpings of duck blood and fungus. A hot pot is a bowl of simmering broth in which different food items can be dropped. It is placed in the center of the dining table so that everyone can participate in the process of cooking and eating. The communal meal is particularly popular during the harsh Beijing winter. For the inexperienced hot potter, it is sometimes difficult to determine when the meat has been fully cooked and is ready to eat. The brain was left in the bowl for an extra long amount of time before being consumed as a safety precaution.  

******************

“It is the quiet pigs that eat the meal.” - Irish Proverb

Subway Saviour

As is the custom in overpopulated nations, mass transit users get on board vehicles before other passengers have a chance to disembark. Usually the members of the opposing groups collide, push, shove, slip, squeak, and slither until each side is where they want to be. One day on the Beijing subway, a peasant girl was left behind in this transition. The rest of her family had made their way onto the train successfully, but the little girl was still on the platform.

As the warning bell sounded and the subway doors started to close from each side, the parents suddenly realized that she had been left behind. The mother started screaming, while the father attempted to retrieve the daughter. The doors were sliding shut quickly and the father could not reach his daughter from inside the train. When there seemed to be little hope for salvation, my heroic instinct kicked in. Just as the authorities had blocked my website, I blocked the door. While I prevented one side from closing, the mother held the other door at bay. This gave the father just enough time to leap onto the platform, scoop up the bewildered child, and hop back on board moments before the doors closed and the train started moving.

With the crisis averted I returned to gazing at my reflection in the subway windows. Meanwhile, the mother had lost her temper. Her hysterical rage was directed at the father, who had forgotten to make sure the daughter was with them when they were aboard the train. The father looked around sheepishly as his wife screamed and screeched. The little girl wailed for a good five minutes, wiped her eyes, and promptly stomped on her father's foot. Noticing the new scuff mark on his shoe, the father delivered a soft but swift kick to his daughter's rear. She immediately started crying again, which led to further scolding of the father by the mother.

Soon my stop arrived. As the shrieking and crying continued in the background, I enjoyed a nice game of Chinese bowling as I got off the train. This is a traditional game where the people who are trying to get on the train and the people who have no intention of getting off the train but are still blocking the doorway act as human pins, while whoever is trying to get out is the ball.

***********************

"Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world."
- Rebecca Harding Davis

ARNABlocked

If you are reading this message that means that I no longer have access to the Blogger platform that is used to host ARNABlog. 

ARNABlog has been SENsored by the authorities from the moment I arrived, and perhaps even earlier. The gatekeepers of the Internet allowed most other blogs to merrily exist in the new engine of the world economy, but ARNABlog could only be accessed from within the People's Republic sporadically. Presently, the Great Firewall of China has ARNABlocked not only my site but also all others that are hosted on Blogger. Although I could not view my literary output online, I could still publish my inner thoughts. At the moment, even that is not possible until the ARNABan is lifted.

Lazy Gay

My office in the Dacheng International Center was recently renovated. There was a lack of available meeting space. The cubicles were shifted back so that additional rooms could be created. The construction took place over the weekend, leaving the office a dusty mess when all the employees arrived at work the following Monday.

Chinese lady:

Our desk and chair so dirty. 

You just stay there! 

Dont clean this!  

So lazy!

Me:

I thought that the cleaning lady will clean it.

Chinese lady:

Dose she clean your desk?

Me:

Yes, she cleans it every day. 

Chinese lady:

Your chair is dirty, too. 

You are a lazy gay.

Fashion Show

"Stunning to the senses, soothing to the soul..."

As the new star of the Beijing social scene, I ignited passion in the hearts of both local and expatriate women alike when I made a surprise appearance at a charity fashion show taking place at the Green T. House. Miss China, Miss Beijing, and Miss Shanghai from years past were also in attendance at the slick venue. Flanked by my Irish roommate, his American coworker, and a flock of ARNABabes, I posed for photographers and munched on appetizers for most of the night.

The actual fashion show was very brief, lasting for around ten minutes. Female models wearing vintage threads prowled the makeshift catwalk as the flashbulbs went off continuously in front (and behind) of them. The stark white interior of the room provided a good contrast to the dark garments adorning the models. Some had happy expressions on their faces, while others sported angry, indifferent, or vacant looks. One of the leggy models had developed a slight hunch, most likely stemming from the fact she was 1.3 times the height of the average Chinese man. Even if my tantalizing beauty were to be taken out of the equation, there were enough stunners present to make it a memorable evening.

The World's Fastest Train

Magnetic levitation (maglev) trains float above the track, using the power of science to achieve blazing fast speeds. The world's fastest commercially operating train is propelled from within the city of Shanghai to an airport outside the city limits by magnets. The maglev runs on an elevated platform, so I watched the cityscape zoom by from my window seat when I took it. A digital display overhead indicates the current velocity, which tops out at 431 km/h. Seven minutes and 30 kilometers later I had arrived at my destination.

I did not need to go to the airport, so I bought round trip tickets for my joy ride on the fast moving monorail. A Chinese man mentioned that the technology for the Shanghai airport link had been purchased from the Germans at great cost (over $1 billion USD), so that it could then be reverse engineered by Chinese talent. This demonstration track is known as the IOS (Initial Operating Segment). His body shook with unabandoned glee as he explained that the much longer Beijing-Shanghai intercity link could then be constructed at a fraction of the cost using local technology.

**********

“Speed provides the one genuinely modern pleasure.” - Aldous Huxley

The World's Longest Escalator

Steep and hilly, Hong Kong Island has a network of covered outdoor escalators which start at the base of the business district and end near the far side of the moon. The Central Mid-levels escalator system, as it is called, is 800 meters long and 135 meters high. It is possible to get off or on at each road that the conveyor transport device passes during its ascent or descent. Around 60,000 people travel on it each day. For inhabitants of the island metropolis the escalator ride is just a part of their daily commute, but for visitors it is a fascinating experience not to be missed.

The intricate series of escalators goes in the downwards direction in the morning, following the flow of humans heading to work. After 10 am, the escalators reverse direction and start taking passengers up the slopes. This is ideal for daily usage, but quite tiresome for a tourist who happily rides the escalator for the the 20-25 minutes that it takes to reach the summit, only to realize that he or she will have to trudge all the way back down by foot.

***********

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg

Tianjin Times

A Canadian, an Irishman, an American, and a Filipino walked into a bus station. They decided to go to Tianjin, the fifth largest city in the People's Republic. The Irishman insisted it was a quick 45 minute bus ride away. The Canadian estimated that it would take 4 hours.

4 hours later, they were in Tianjin. After making a quick stop at a terrifying toilet, booking a room at a hostel, wandering through a bustling marketplace, appreciating the European style architecture, having a meal at the local Irish pub, heading to the youth hangout Alibaba, playing foosball, making their way to a happening nightclub, feeding bread to Russian women, and catching a few hours of sleep, the quartet began the next day by visiting the Olympic Center Stadium, eating lunch, enjoying a stroll along the riverside, and heading back to Beijing on a bullet train journey that took 30 minutes from start to finish.

**********

"Solitude and company may be allowed to take their turns: the one creates in us the love of mankind, the other that of ourselves; solitude relieves us when we are sick of company, and conversation when we are weary of being alone, so that the one cures the other. There is no man so miserable as he that is at a loss how to use his time." - Seneca

The Summer Palace

The most spectacular of the non-Great Wall sites that I have visited in and around Beijing has been the Summer Palace. It was a place of rest and entertainment for the ruling families, combining natural beauty with the comforts required by royalty. The three square kilometres of the palace are composed of majestic landscaping and architecture surrounding the man made Kunming Lake. I spent six hours at the regal complex, known in Chinese as "The Garden of Clear Ripples" or "The Garden of Nurtured Harmony" at different times in its history. The most famous occupant of the Summer Palace was the cunning Empress Dowager Cixi, who went from being one of the Emperor's many concubines to the de facto ruler of China for almost 50 years after his death.

I explored the temples, halls, pavilions, and pathways of the Summer Palace. I was visiting the UNESCO World Heritage Site a week before the official start of busy season, but the tourists were already out in full force. Many of these visitors opted for a relaxing boat ride to one of the islands in the middle of the lake. The best views of the imperial gardens are afforded from atop Longevity Hill, which was built using the soil that had to be excavated to form Kunming Lake. Inside the hall where opera and theatre performances took place is a room for the artists get prepared and put on their make up. Within this room is a hidden treasure - the first car to be imported into China.

I also strolled along the recently restored Suzhou Street, a canal with a bevy of stores bordering each side. This was built so that the royals could go there and pretend to shop like regular folks. I attempted to play a musical instrument that resembled a bowling ball at one store, while other merchants tried to sell me calligraphic versions of my name, noodles, and clothes that resembled what the emperors wore so that I could pose for a nice souvenir photo.

****************

"For us who live in cities Nature is not natural. Nature is supernatural. Just as monks watched and strove to get a glimpse of heaven, so we watch and strive to get a glimpse of earth. It is as if men had cake and wine every day but were sometimes allowed common bread." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

The Good, the Badaling, and the Ugly

My roommate's good friend from Ireland was visiting, so we made our way to the Badaling section of the Great Wall. This is the most accessible and popular portion of the wall. After Jiankou, it was the second part of the Great Wall I visited, but the first segment that had been been fully restored to its original state. Railings, garbage bins, and surveillance cameras had also been added. Heavily crowded with tourists, Badaling still retains its charm as a wonder of the world.

We caught a bus from the Beijing Hub of Tour Dispatch near Tiananmen Square. Before reaching Badaling we made a brief stop at Minghuang Waxworks Palace, where we were given a thoroughly historical overview of the Ming Dynasty via life size wax representations of various pivotal events.

In China, English songs are often played on the music system of stores and vehicles, although very few people may understand the true meaning of the lyrics. In a particularly cruel twist of fate, the in-bus entertainment included the song Don't Want No Short Dick Man. Among the passengers were dozens of Chinese men and I.

A Touch of Green

As St Patrick's Day approached, three friends and I attended the annual Irish Ball that takes place in Beijing. The upscale gala held at the Kerry Center is one of the highlights of the city's social calendar, with the dual purpose of celebrating Irish culture and raising funds for charity. Most of the socialites in attendance were pushing retirement age, with the youth contingent consisting primarily of us, several authentic Irish dancers and musicians flown in for the event, and a smattering of English teachers.

After cavorting with the ARNABabes for the better part of the night, I was left holding a wig of unknown origins as the party wound down. In the meantime, a rumour had spread like wildfire amongst the ranks of the young ladies at the ball. Apparently the dashing son of the Indian ambassador had made an appearance, stealing the hearts of several debutantes. I do not recollect seeing him face to face, except perhaps for a moment or two in the gentlemen's washroom.

The Birdcage

 As I was wandering around Dawanglu, the neighbourood in which lies my palatial Chinese estate, I stumbled upon a confusing monument. A giant steel birdcage was placed in a small public square, nestled between the skyscrapers of Beijing's Central Business District (CBD). Oddly enough, it was empty. The piece looked rather new, so the empty birdcage could have been a metaphor for the unlimited potential of the people of modern China being let loose on the world. Or it could be that the locals simply ate the creature residing within it without inviting me over for a taste. I investigated further and found several large birdlike sculptures a few blocks away, leaving me further baffled.

Chinglish Ideals

Chinglish is the lovable form of entertainment produced by a mix of the Chinese mind and the English language. As I was walking along the street in Beijing one night I saw a van with the following Chinglish paragraph written on its side:

In Beijing, have a set of one's own houses, it is most untiring ideals of people. The ones that enabled more persons to live in got up in the good house, is ideals all the time of the others too. Go to in the city, mutually encourage between ideal and ideal.

Caught on CCTV Camera

My favourite homegrown television channel in China is CCTV. China Central Television comes in many languages (Mandarin, English, French, and Spanish) and flavours (music, sports, news, etc.). It is one of my primary sources of information. I even had the honour of appearing on the English language channel of China's national broadcaster.

After enjoying a virtuoso juggling act by the famed American performer Bryson Lang, my roommate and I were about to leave the Goose & Duck entertainment complex when we were encouraged to stay on a little longer. A CCTV crew happened to be on hand to film a few clips of the bar's cheerleaders - the GeeDettes. They perform a short series of choreographed dance sequences. An audience of leering foreigners in the front row would be a welcome addition to the video clip and we fit the bill perfectly.

As we sat directly in front of the dancing girls, my roommate noticed the cameraman gesturing at us and quickly snapped a photo of him. During an interval in filming, the director approached us and instructed us to move our bodies in sync with the movement of the girls and the beat of the music. We grudgingly complied to the best of our dancing abilities, which were none whatsoever. Occasionally, my roommate's head bobbed but no discernible movements were made by the ARNABody.

Origin of the Feces

After alighting from a long distance bus taking us from Beijing to Tianjin, an American friend of mine immediately headed for the nearest public washroom. He entered 5 seconds before I did, and left the facilities 1 second before my entrance. The math did not quite add up.

Inside lay a sight to behold. A row of Chinese men were squatting with their pants down, directly facing anyone who entered the room. Their faces were contorted in various levels of pain or pleasure. Aghast, I swiveled towards the urinal. This is why the American had exited so hurriedly. If that was hell, then the ladies toilet would have been heaven.

As I began to take a leak, I saw a man glaring at me. We were diagonally opposite from each other so our urine was intersecting at a right angle. We maintained eye contact for the duration of the peculiarly perpendicular act before vacating the premises.

*****

“Psychiatry's chief contribution to philosophy is the discovery that the toilet is the seat of the soul.” - Alexander Chase

The Ladybars of Sanlitun

My Irish flatmate arrived five days after I had moved in to my apartment. To welcome him a night on the town was in order. He was keen on visiting the House of Suzie Wong's. Supposedly a trendy Beijing club visited by Chinese ladies looking to snag Westerners, it turned out to be salsa night. After catching a few performances, we hurriedly left.

The night was still young so we took a taxi to the bar street in Sanlitun, Beijing's most famous nightlife area. I had been warned not to come here since it catered to the depraved. We were greeted by a line of brightly lit establishments with neon decor and groups of sinister individuals offering us ladies. We declined the offers and found a place with live music. Inside, a man offered to draw our portraits and a woman tried to sell us flowers. Once the band called it a night, so did we.

*****

Chinese tout: Lady?

Frenchman: Absolutely not.

Chinese tout, leaning in with eyebrow raised: Sorry?

Prejudice

My Chinese market research company conducted several English language focus groups in Beijing. My colleagues had to transliterate the comments the participants had scrawled on the worksheets that had been given to them. The writing was by and large quite messy. I provided valuable assistance in deciphering the more difficult to read words. One lady at the office asked what the word "prejudice" meant, so I explained that it is having an opinion in advance that colours someone's judgement.

Chinese lady:  I have prejudice against you. Right?
Arnab: Yes, but it's bad to have a prejudice.
Chinese lady: I can say you have prejudice against me. You have prejudice against me.
Arnab: How?
Chinese lady: I really beautiful, but you thought no.

*****

See also: Pride (totally unrelated)

Shop Talk

While I worked as a primary developer of product releases at ResponseTek, several new terms were introduced into the technical lexicon:

• ARNABranch - Whenever features, changes, or bug fixes had to be developed, I requested a branch of the code base to work on.
• ARNABuild - As I made rapid progress on my project, I would roll out incremental packages tot the quality assurance (QA) team so that they could validate and verify my work.
• ARNABug - Occasionally an ARNABuild behaved in an untoward manner. These ARNABugs were not necessarily introduced in the current ARNABranch, although they were detected in it.
• ARNABeta - When software is ready to be tried by its users but is still not ready for the big time, a 'beta' label is slapped on it. ARNABetas looked very good but rarely worked.

Taiwanese Tease

As a highly appreciated objet d'art I have always been heavily photographed by everyone from Joe Public to various subject matter experts (SMEs). A goal of mine was to be photographed by strangers for reasons not purely aesthetic. Being an alien in China, the time was ripe for me to be picturized for looking different, and not just for looking gorgeous. I thought my wish had come true at Shanghai Airport, but alas it was not to be.

I stood at the entrance to the terminal and a group of tourists gathered near me. They exchanged nervous glances and spoke to each other in hushed tones, before sending an emissary to approach me. The young fellow asked me if I could pose with his sister for a picture. I happily obliged and he thanked me for my kindness. He told me he was a fireman from Taiwan and then leaned in conspiratorially, whispering in my ear "My sister thinks you are very handsome". My dream shattered, I cast a scintillating gaze in her direction. She blushed and looked downwards.

The Place To Be

Q: Have you been to "The Place"?
A: Which place?
Q: The Place?

Beijing is full of fancy shopping malls, but a few stand apart from the rest. The Place is one of them. Asia's largest LCD screen covers an open air plaza that is part of the upscale shopping complex. 250m long and 30m wide, an array of LED's dot the massive overhead screen. A film about the solar system was being played on the giant screen, as its capabilities were showcased to the audience beneath. A slightly larger screen in Las Vegas takes the top prize, but the Place also boasts a Ferrari store where the salesmen are dressed in the signature red Formula 1 outfits donned by the team.

Arnab and the Great Wall

My first visit to the Great Wall turned out to be much more dangerous than I had anticipated it to be. There are several sections of the wall that are around a two hour drive from Beijing. Rather than a jaunt through a tourist heavy portion of the wall, I visited Jiankou. Featuring long and steep stretches of unrestored splendour and sheer drops onto the jagged rocks below for anyone who has the misfortune of toppling off the wall, the world's longest tourist attraction was quite spectacular here.

After a strenuous climb up to the wall through snow covered wilderness, I believed that the most physically challenging portions of the hike had been completed. I was wrong. Like a video game, each consecutive stage of the trip proved to be more daunting and exciting than the last. Many portions of the wall were missing or crumbling apart. To get from one segment to another I had to scale near vertical steps or climb bare handed on the sides of the mountain to reach the next level. Some stairs were referred to as 'ladders' as there angle of elevation eared 80 degrees. Strategically positioned watchtowers allowed me to catch my breath and enjoy the panoramic view, before I continued onwards on the perilous path.

The Chinese climbers had come well prepared with heavy duty gear including walkie talkies, walking sticks, ropes, and brand name clothing, while the foreigners were an ill prepared ragtag outfit. At one point a piece of the wall came lose, bounced of the shoulder of one adventurer, then narrowly avoided obliterating another member of the expedition, before smashing into a thousand pieces down below. The perilous trek concluded soon after as we found a gap in the wall and slid down the snowy hills back to base camp.

*********

"He who has not climbed the wall is not a true man" - Chairman Mao

The Rise of the ARNACuties

The Goose 'n Duck is a Canadian sports bar in Beijing catering to the twisted tastes of Westerners. As I was explaining the concept of ARNABabes, ARNABeauties, ARNABombshells, and the ARNABride to a partially inebriated Irishman, a group of nubile Chinese ladies ran out in front of us in cheerleading outfits and began to dance. As the cheerleaders gyrated to popular beats, the Irishman presented a cogent argument. He lamented that in China there were very few beauties; the women were either cute or ugly. Since ARNABeauties would be low in numbers, the rogue suggested I focus on ARNACuties instead.

Full Moon

As I was strolling down a main thoroughfare in Beijing, I was somewhat intrigued when I thought that a small child was mooning me. I did not want to stare so I looked further ahead, only to see a whole column of similarly non-attired children on the sidewalk. I would find out that it had nothing to do with the lunar calendar.


The first bums I have seen on the streets of Beijing belonged to small children. Following environmentally sound best practices the toddlers have refrained from wearing diapers, opting instead for a hole in the pants. Sporting a stylish slit in their garments around their rear ends, the tiny tots deposit their byproducts near the trees that line the sidewalks. If no trees are in sight other crevices or receptacles suffice. The curvaceous contours of the ARNABum have yet to make a public appearance, as toilet facilities have so far been plentiful.

*****

Bumper sticker: Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.

Where's Walmart?

I had noticed a building in Beijing with the words "Walmart Supercenter" reasuringly emblazoned near the top of it. The first day that I meandered around the complex I discovered a department store taking up seven floors of the building, a food court, a five star hotel, a movie theatre, and a video game arcade. A Walmart was not to be seen anywhere, so I went home.

I returned soon thereafter to the site, this time approaching the building from the rear. I spotted the entrance to the Walmart at once, and saw that the escalators led downstairs. It was a hidden underground facility teeming with consumers. As I entered it, founder Sam Walton's shining visage welcomed me. His name tag had been digitally altered, so both the English and Chinese versions of his name were clearly visible (unlike the entrance to the store).

The Walmart offered everything from live turtles in the seafood section to liquor to clothing. I had come searching for a box of Dove chocolate bars, which hold the highest market share in China's intensely competitive chocolate industry. I found small portions of dove, in chocolate and meat form, but not in bulk so I went home empty handed.

Orange Crushed

As part of my ongoing study of the eating habits of modern civilizations, I visited a KFC outlet in China. I ordered a Beijing style wrap combo. For my drink, I asked for an Orange Crush. After paying for and collecting my meal, I sat down and began to eat.

With the soothing sounds of the Backstreet Boys playing in the background, I took a bite out of my Kentucky Fried Crab. As I slurped my drink, my tongue started to sizzle. I noticed the smoke first, and then the pain. The Orange Crush was actually boiling hot orange juice. Logically, orange juice is served at a high temperature during the cold winter months. My taste buds would recover in due time for further culinary adventures.

Gruel

My office building has its own food court. A card has to be purchased and loaded with funds. It is possible to pay for items at all the restaurants in the food court by swiping this prepaid card as long as a balance remains. Many of the meals are accompanied by a bowl of thick soup.

I am fond of the soup but my Chinese colleagues could not tell me its English name right away. The direct translation turned out to be "millet gruel". This is what orphans in 19th century had for sustenance as they laboured in factories. Although it has a bad reputation, it has a good taste.

*****

"Please, sir, I want some more." - Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

Bird On A Stick

My landlord referred me to an area where I could sample some street fare. I tried a piece of fried chicken on a stick as a starter, and the ordered another bird on a stick. I conveyed my wishes by pointing at my object of desire. This time I could not tell what animal I was eating, although it did seem vaguely familiar. My skewer had four of the small and tasty creatures attached to it. I walked back to my apartment while munching on them, careful to leave one specimen intact. When I arrived back to my flat, my landlord identified the remaining critter as a baby quail.

One World, One Dream

I landed in China amidst unparalleled fanfare. The good citizens of the People's Republic were anticipating my arrival with glee. I was picked up from the airport and taken to my office on my first day in the country, before being taken around Beijing to survey my accommodation options. The people of Beijing greeted me with a spectacular light show that lasted for several nights. Although the weather was chilly, the mood was festive. Fireworks exploded throughout the city as a feeling of excitement resonated through the hearts of the people.

It was the Chinese New Year, and for me it was also a new country and a new job. Some prognosticators projected an increase in the number of Indo-Chinadian births in the next 9-21 months, while other pundits predicted that my coming would further solidify China's growth story and help revitalize the sluggish global economy. Whatever the outcome, the Year of the Ox will be an interesting one for all involved.

Three Scream

Chinese guy: Have you ever tried three scream?
Me: No, what's that?
Chinese guy: Take a baby mouse. Pick it up with your chopsticks. One scream. Dip it in sauce. Two scream. Put it in your mouth. Three scream.

Refresher Course

The earliest recorded post on ARNABlog was on June 7th, 2006. This was the day I graduated from Simon Fraser University (SFU) as a proud holder of a Bachelors of Science degree from the schools of Computing Science and Business Administration. As I specialized in Information Systems, it was actually a joint major in both these disciplines. I had the option of taking more difficult courses to obtain the BSc, or I could take easier ones and settle for a BBA.

I crisscrossed the globe in the next two and a half years, collecting a profusion of experiences and leaving behind a legacy of goodwill. I flew off to India, worked tirelessly for a year with Satyam, traveled to Europe, returned to Vancouver, found a job with ResponseTek, and took a few courses at Kwantlen Polytechnic University. I finally returned to the SFU Burnaby campus when the annual open house was held.

Eager students demonstrated their projects and explained why they were drawn to one field or another. The students had not changed much from my years, although the physical infrastructure had improved vastly. New buildings had popped up on the fringes of the university that I remembered. The bus stops were now covered, protecting today's students from the harsh elements of Burnaby Mountain. I also discovered that SFU had an impressive Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology, something I had never stumbled upon during my years as a scholar there.

*****

Refresher course definition: A course that reviews and updates a topic for those who have not kept abreast of developments.

Vaisakhi, Vancouver Style

In the month of Baisakh in 1699, the first Sikhs were baptized and became known as the Khalsa ("pure"). Vaisakhi is celebrated by Sikhs around the world every year as they come together to observe this occasion. Around the same time Bengali's celebrate their new year, Naba Barsha. The first time that crops can be harvested in the season also occurs around this time, so everyone is generally in a good mood.

In Vancouver, it is not just Sikhs who come to to celebrate Vaisakhi. Around 100,000 people showed up for the annual Vaisakhi parade in Vancouver's "Little India". Hymns were sung as part of the street procession, an activity called Nagar Kirtan. Main Street was filled with revelers who watched floats pass by as they munched on tasty snacks provided freely by the Sikh community. The food was as diverse as the parade participants, ranging from pakoras to pizzas. Among the local celebrities in attendance was photogenic TV personality Tamara Taggart, who waved at me.

*****

"Share our similarities, celebrate our differences." - M. Scott Peck

Amazigh

The indigenous tribes of North Africa go by many names. Berbers. Touareg. Moors. Imazighen. The term Berber stems from a variation of the Latin word "barbarian". Moor was also coined by Europeans to describe the invaders from North Africa. The Tuareg, a tribe within the Berber community, speaks the language Tamasheq. The tribesmen are famous for wearing their distinctive headgear and blue robes as they cross the Sahara. Imazighen translates to "free men", though this is not solely a reflection of their nomadic lifestyle as some settled near oases or in the mountains. Its singular form is Amazigh. As 2009 dawns, I too find myself a free man. Having exited from ResponseTek near the end of the previous calendar year, a whole new world of adventure and discovery awaits me in this one.

*****

All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree. All these aspirations are directed toward ennobling man's life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading the individual towards freedom." - Albert Einstein