Conversations with K-girls: A Carless Mistake

K-girl who I just met: May I see your car?

Me (reaching for my wallet): Of course, you can see my card. Here you go.

K-girl: No, not your card! May I see your CAR?

Me: Oh...

One Chance

Me: I hope she will give me a second chance.

Korean lady: Second chance? When did you got a first chance?

Me: Oh, good point... I hope she will give me a first chance.

Mad for Garlic... and Deodorant

Korean guy: Do you know why Korean girls don't like you? It's not just because you are Indian blood. It's also your bad smell.

Me: My bad smell? OK…

Korean guy: Western people think Koreans are stinky because they smell like garlic, no? But that is a normal thing here, so it is not a bad or weird.

Me: So I smell bad?

Korean guy: Yes. How many times do you use deodorant?

Me: Usually one time in the morning.

Korean guy: That's not enough. That's why you smell bad.

Me: What!? You expect me to apply it every four hours or something?

Korean guy: No, that's still not enough. You must use it every hour or two.

Me: That's too much.

Korean guy: No, you can't say that. That is normal thing here so you must do it.

*****

On an interesting side note, the 'flower men' of South Korea make up less than 1% of the global male population yet account for over 20% of male cosmetic sales worldwide.

Conversations with K-girls: Dinner Plans

K-girl: I have a dinner plan.

Me: With me?

K-girl: No.... uh.... umm..... with my family?

In Hostile Territory

Me: She looks a little Chinese, even though she is Korean.

Korean guy: Yes, so I don't like her.

Me: Chinese girls are also nice.

Korean guy: Japanese better but they exposed to radioactivity.

Me: I thought you had a Chinese girlfriend before.

Korean guy: Nope, I just had Chinese homemate but she had stinky foreign boyfriend.

Me: A big hairy oaf?

Korean guy: Oaf?

Me: For example "That was my foot you just stepped on, you bumbling oaf".

Korean guy (after looking up the definition of oaf in an electronic dictionary): "Why give publicity to this self-indulgent, adolescent oaf?"

Me: Yes, exactly. For instance, that guy talking to the Chinese-looking girl appears to be an oaf.

Korean guy: That I agree. He looks oaf so normal girls don't have any hostility.

Me: Yup, they let their defences down but when they see a dangerous Prince of Persia they have their shields up.

Korean guy: Yes, that's fact so it's not your fault. Their reaction is natural.

Me: Hostility is a good word.

Korean guy: Why? It's bad word, isn't it?

Me: I mean it's a good word to describe the situation.

Korean guy: Aha~

Conversations with K-girls: English No

Me: Do you know any English?

K-girl: English no.

Me: 'English know' or 'English no'?

K-girl: English NO!

Bragging Rights

Me: This paragraph so easy to understand.

Korean girl: Nooooooo. Don't say that! English is not our mother tongue.

Me: It's not mine either.

Korean girl: Really? Oh.. it's Indian?

Me: Yes, first I learnt Bengali and then English. Also some French in school, and some Hindi in India, some Chinese, and some Korean. So Korean is actually the sixth language I understand a bit of.

Korean girl: Stop bragging!!

Me: I also look good both with and without a beard.

Korean girl: Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gentleman

The average Korean man lives with his parents until he has saved enough money for marriage, plays a lot of video games, spends a few years doing mandatory military service, avoids sitting beside me on subways, partakes in heavy drinking sessions with his buddies or colleagues, and occasionally dispenses solid relationship advice:

If you want just that she beat you

then you should keep annoying her

but if you want more than that

then you should treat her gently

A Mean Looking Booger

Regardless of language, religion, age, income, or intellectual capability, men from all over the world always have at least one topic of shared interest. One fine spring day, a Korean man and I were discussing a specific subset of this fascinating subject. 

Korean man: I think if she makeup perfectly and dress up then she will be more beautiful.  

Me: Yes, if she dresses up and covers her pimples she will be quite nice. I see a booger in her left nose hole though. 

Korean man: What is booger? "Arnab is a mean looking booger" - is it right? 

Me: No, that is bugger. Booger is a dried piece of snot. It is the thing you find when you pick your nose. 

Korean man: Ahh, I see.

Smartphone Envy

Me: It's Korean and very small.

American guy: Wait a minute… are we still talking about your phone?  

In the conformist Republic of Korea, citizens judge each other based on their appearance and possessions. Having the latest smartphone model is one such status marker. Many halfwits with low paying jobs or beauties with no discernable occupations can be seen walking around with the latest iPhone or Samsung Galaxy S flagship model in hand. My underpowered phone is not even available for sale in Korea and looked upon with scorn by the masses.

Girls Day

I was having dinner with a Korean guy I had met while traveling in Wando. As we ate, the large screen TV inside the restaurant was showing the weekly countdown of the latest K-pop hits. When a idol group known as Girls Day started performing their latest single, every male head in the restaurant swivelled towards the screen. The girls were busy fiddling with their smart phones and hand mirrors, so they were blissfully unaware of the happenings around them.

Korean guy: Why you don't have Korean girlfriend?
Me: They are scared of me.
KG: Oh, really? Maybe they fraid to speak to you.
Me: Yes, and the ones that are not afraid don't like my style. Clothes, hair, skin, glasses. They complain about everything.
KG: But you looks like handsome.
Me: I know, but they don't realize it.

At this moment one of the effeminate boy groups was prancing about on the TV screen.

KG: You should dress like that.
Me: Never! I will not wear short tight pants and thick glasses without lenses, put on makeup, carry a large purse, or have the same haircut that everyone else does.
KG: But that is what Korean girls like.
Me: I won't dress like that. Also, they complain about my body hair.
KG: Girls especially hates your arm, chest, and leg hair.
Me: And my back hair.
KG: You have back hair!? You are beast.

Haves and Have Nots

Korean guy: Learning Korean is easy.

Me: It seems tough.

Korean guy: No, it's easy. For example, issoyo (있어요) means have and opsoyo (없어요) means don't have.

Me: That's hard to remember.

Korean guy: No, it's not. If a beauty girl says to you "Do you have some time?", what do you say?

Me: Issoyo.

Korean guy: And if ugly girl says "Do you have some time?", what do you say?

Me: Opsoyo!

Korean guy: See, it's easy.

Conversations with K-girls: New Years

Me: How was your new year's? 

K-girl: Same last years. I'll have to new.

Conversations with K-girls: Handsome Men

K-girl: Why are all American men sooo handsome?

Me: No, no, no. First of all, I am not an American. I am a Canadian and I am out of the ordinary. Not everyone is handsome. 

K-girl: But... all American men are so handsome.

Conversations with K-girls: Black Haired Boy

Beautiful 7-11 cashier: Where are you from?

Me: Canada.

7-11: But... brown... why?

Me: Why brown skin?

7-11: No... black hair, why? Canada people have brown hair.

Me: No, many different colours are possible. Blond hair, black hair, brown hair.

7-11: Oh.

Me: Happy new year.

7-11: Happy new year! Byeeeee. Kekekekekeke....

Conversations with K-girls: Pretty Good

K-girl: My English is awful. I hate English! You should learn Korean.

Me: Your English is pretty good.

K-girl: Pretty girl? Thank you.

Candid Camera

As an international heartthrob, it is not out of the ordinary when I am stopped on the street for a quick photo by people I do not know in places such as China and Korea. One day, I looked out my office window in Seoul and caught sight of a beautiful girl across the street. She was holding a camera, with the lens pointed in my general direction.

Me: Look! That girl is taking my picture.  

German colleague: Arnab, Arnab, Arnab. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with you?

Korean colleague: Or what is wrong with the girl?

Conversations with K-girls: Not on the Menu

The conversation with a Korean beauty began normally enough with the questions of where I come from and why do I look the way I do. Things looked promising when she reached for the menu from the bar counter. I thought she was looking for a drink to order, but several minutes passed by uneventfully. I asked what she was looking for, and she replied that she was just reading the menu.

The minute hand on the clock moved several more times. I was unsure of what was happening. Was she pretending to read the menu to avoid further interaction? Or was she just an excruciatingly slow reader since English was not her first language? The answer was made crystal clear when she put down the menu and walked away without even a goodbye.

*****

"Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer." - Mark Amend

You Don't Know Girls Still

Some people turn to their friends and family when they need help. Many search the Internet for answers. A few write letters to newspaper columnists. Others approach subject matter experts directly.  In my case this would mean Korean men. I explained my unfortunate situation to them:

"K-girls do not appreciate my jokes. Sarcasm flies over their beautifully sculpted heads. Teasing offends them. Regular conversation bores them. What should I talk to them about?"

The first Korean man I asked provided a weak response, greatly underestimating the brilliant minds to be found within their ravishing frames:

"Talk to them about something simple… like kimchi. Before making a joke, warn them that you are about to tell a joke."

The second Korean man I asked turned the question on its head, revealing his silent strategy for success:

"You don't know about girls still. Just hear what she say and drink a lot. Save your word. Just show your smile and generous emotion. Then she want to lean to you. Girls like to talk everything, so just hear what she say and understand her and hug her and kiss and go to motel. Game end!"

*****

"Challenges are what makes life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful" - J. Marine

The Superficial

Korean man: Was it just your opinion?

Me: What was my opinion?

Korean man: That you are best guy in the room.

Me: No, it's a fact... but if you can show me a Korean guy who is my age with 8 years work experience  spread across 4 different countries, who can understand parts of 6 languages, has been to 30 countries, has helped children in India, is technically gifted, a brilliant writer, smart, handsome, funny, responsible, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink much, doesn't visit prostitutes, cooks, doesn't beat girls, and with high earning potential, then you can get back to me.

Korean man: Kekeke*. I already knew that how smart you are, but you always ignore about that style is very important to Korean girls.

Me: They should look at the substance and character of a man.

Korean man: But you are same. At that first meet, you always check girls appearance. That is same.

* The onomatopoeic representation of Korean laughter (ㅋㅋㅋ)