Conversations With K-girls: Not Working

Although more interrogation than conversation due to the language barrier, engaging in dialogue with a Korean beauty is always a memorable experience.

Me: What did you study in university?
K-girl: Mathematics.
Me: Where do you work?
K-girl: I work Monday to Friday. Not tonight.

*****

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."  - Nelson Mandela

Conversations With K-girls: Nothing Doing

It is very hard to talk to Korean bombshells. Although I am a distinguished conversationalist, I find it difficult to engage K-girls in dialogue. Most of the time it is because their breathtaking beauty has rendered me speechless. Many times it is because their nondescript boyfriend is standing right beside them. Other times it is because they cannot or will not speak to me in English. Sometimes it is because we literally have nothing to say to each other.

Me: What do you do?
K-girl: Nothing.
Me: Absolutely nothing?
K-girl: I stay at home.
Me: What do you do there?
K-girl: Nothing.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

If there is one thing that can give a Korean beauty a more severe pimple outbreak than having to speak English in public, it is a face to face encounter with the Indo-Canadian Temptation. I was walking with a Dutchman towards a building in Seoul, looking for the entrance. A cute girl, ostensibly the greeter, was positioned nearby. She slowly backed away, an apprehensive look crossing her face.

Me: She does not look too hospitable. I think she is afraid.
Dutchman: I would be too... of you.

ARNABabe: The Pretender

Me: I like girls who are intelligent as well as beautiful.
Indian beauty: You know some beautiful girls only pretend to be dumb.
Me: Really?
Indian beauty: Yes, they are actually very smart.
Me: Then why would they pretend to be dumb?
Indian beauty: It is easier for them to get what they want that way, without having to give it much effort.
Me: Oh, I see. That is actually very clever.
Indian beauty: Yes.
Me: So are you only pretending?

She never spoke to me again.

Fun Times

A pretty Chinese girl once told me "The longer I know you, the funnier you are". Before I could beam with pride, she went on to finish her thoughts. "It is not that you are getting any funnier, it is just that my English is getting better".

Alien

"When I was child and saw foreigner first time, I start crying. I saw his blue eyes and thought he is alien. I said to my father, let's run away from here." ~ Korean man

ARNABites: Rat Race

On my last evening in the picturesque village of Yangshuo, I found an elusive item on the menu and quickly ordered it. My finger pointed to the entry for rat cooked within a bamboo shoot. The restaurateur shook her head, "Don't have." She suggested I come back tomorrow. I would leave early next morning, so this was not an option. She saw the dismay etched on my ruggedly handsome face. Her brother was summoned to take me to the market to look for some rodent, but none was to be found that night.

Years passed, and I found myself wandering through a night market in Taipei. My Taiwanese friend spotted a restaurant that would surely interest me. Cages full of snakes and mice welcomed the diner at the entrance. Was rat on the menu? My friend checked the menu and answered in the affirmative, but after speaking with the waiter he served up some unfortunate news.

My feelings of elation evaporated upon hearing that the rodents they served were out of stock for the next few days. I would have left Taiwan by the time the next shipment would arrive. What of the mice on display outside? Those were only for feeding the snakes and not for direct human consumption. The proprietor said there were no other rat restaurants around.

Dejected, we kept walking until finding another snake restaurant. A restaurant worker was loudly promoting the powers of the soup to all passersby. My friend asked if they sold rat. The seller of snake soup was not impressed, advising us to "Be practical. Eat normal things, not crazy things." My quest for a mouse would not end this night.

ARNABabe: Shutout

Whenever I discover that a dazzling Korean beauty already has a boyfriend, a Korean guy will usually appear within a few moments to provide some words of wisdom. Although quite pleased at the turn of events, he will nonetheless attempt to lift my spirits by saying "You know in Korea we have saying: You can score goal even if there is goalkeeper."

ARNABabe: Lost in Translation

Several Korean guys had spent a couple of hours coaching me how to say "What is your phone number?" in the local tongue. The phrase was many syllables long so I had a tough time memorizing it. Putting my new found knowledge into practice, I was able to successfully secure the digits of a stunning Seoul beauty despite committing some major blunders.

Me: Jonhabonhogamoeiyo?
Beauty: Do you even know my name?
Me: No. Do you know mine?
Beauty: Arnab.
Me: Oh...

Her voice was so melodious I had failed to capture the meaning behind the sounds she was making when she was first introducing herself. I gave her my phone and she dialed her number. For the follow up a few days later, I used a non verbal and harmless text message to query whether she was free for dinner.

She was grossly offended that I had offered her free dinner as "Korean girls are not so cheap". This time the miscommunication could be attributed to the language barrier. Tragically, the story came to a premature end before we could become Seoul-mates.

*****

"To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time." - Cornelia Otis Skinner

Surgeon General's Warning

South Koreans annually top the international rankings of the most surgically enhanced people per capita, with approximately one in five ladies having gone under the knife to get some upgrades. This still leaves a lot of natural beauties around, as every other girl walking in high heels and short skirts down a street in Seoul on a Friday night looks like a contestant from the Korea's Next Top Model reality show.

Pretty much every Chinese person had an identical reaction when I told them I was moving to Korea. They told me to be careful about a nation of artificial beauties, although I usually cannot tell who has been modified. The message from one Chinese girl sufficiently summarizes their concerns for my well being:

Don’t get a korea girl~ they have fake face!!!!horrible!

Hahahhahahaha!

Korean girl has fake nose,fake cheek，fake lip，and fake boob and ass~ don’t touch it！
They will treat you very nice with their fake body~
Enjoy it~~hahahahahha！！！！！！！！！！！
Maybe，when you kiss，her lip collapse~~~~~~~wow hu~ that will be very ugly~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do not do the plastic surgery！！！ It is popular in korea,but you just wanna Hold on！

The good thing you head off to that country is：you will be the NO.1 cute guy in the country，coz ，u know，they don’t have handsome guy ~~

Sadly, the Seoul sirens seem to have gotten a similar memo warning them to avoid me.

The Parable of the Singing Bastard

I went to see Marvel's The Avengers at a movie theater in Seoul. When I went to the ticket counter, the staff objected to my being there and began to gesticulate wildly. I did not understand what the commotion was about until a kind Korean gentleman behind me pointed out that I needed a ticket just to line up at the ticket counter. He walked with me and we retrieved a numbered slip such as the ones found at banks or visa offices. As there was no one else in the lineup, my number came up immediately and I was able to purchase my movie ticket. While we waited for the film to begin, the man and I made small talk.

Me: What do you do?

He: I am bastard.

Me: No, I mean what is your job?

He: Bastard.

Me: Umm...

He: Pray to God.

Me: Oh, you mean pastor?

He: Yes.

***

He: What you sing about Korea?

Me: I don't sing about Korea.

He: No, what you sing about Koreans?

Me: I don't sing... oh, you mean what do I think about Koreans?

He: Yes.

Words of Encouragement

A Chinese girl was inquiring about the status of the Indo-Canadian Temptation in Korea.

Chinese girl: Hi sen sen. How r you? did you got a new gf? 

Me: No gf yet. A few failed attempts so far, but they were entertaining. Most are afraid of me and run away.

Chinese girl: HA~~~~LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT,U DON’T GET ANY ONE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~U  SUCK~

Finger Bowl

I was sitting at a restaurant in a Beijing alley with my coworkers when a dirty bowl of soup arrived at our table. One of my colleagues seized the opportunity to recount a Chinese pun:

Several friends were sitting together at a streetside eatery when the waiter arrived with a bowl of piping hot soup. His thumb was halfway submerged in it.

"Your finger is in the soup!" exclaimed one of the disgusted customers.

"Don't worry." the experienced waiter calmly replied. "It doesn't hurt."

Holy Cow

There is a stereotype about India that cows are to be found absolutely everywhere, from the family farm to the middle of a busy intersection in a bustling metropolis. It is true. One day I was inside the ticket reservation center of a train station when I noticed a steaming heap of cow dung on the floor near the ticket counter. 

Me: There was a cow inside here?

Indian guy: Yes, this is India. Not even the prime minister's seat is safe.

Android and the Indian Accent

After my trustworthy Nokia plunged into a toilet bowl and never recovered fully, I finally entered the smartphone fray with the cheapest Android phone available in the marketplace. I had held out for many years, finding the devices too large to be convenient and too complicated to be efficient. For instance, my fingers correspond to more than one letter at a time on the touchscreen keyboard, so it is very difficult to type text messages. I was with a colleague when I discovered it had voice recognition capabilities that could ease my typing burden. Much to my amusement, it could not decipher my coworker's Indian accent.

Me: I am very handsome.
Phone: I am very handsome.
Me: I am testing out voice recognition.
Phone: I am testing out voice recognition.
Indian coworker: I am testing the phone.
Phone: I am dictating the fort.
Indian coworker: I am testing the phone.
Phone: I'm checking the phone.
Indian coworker: I am testing the phone.
Phone: I am digging the phones.
Indian coworker: Let's try something easy. I went to the sea.
Phone: BBC Weather.
Indian coworker: I went to the sea.
Phone: Irish crikey.
Indian coworker: I went to the sea.
Phone: Sex.
Me: It can even read minds.
Indian coworker: How did you read my mind?
Phone: Cheese P Diddy my mind.

A Different Perspective

Chinese girl: Korean girls ugly.
Me: What??? They are very nice looking. A lot of them have even had plastic surgery.
Chinese girl: Yes... because Korean girls ugly.

Hands On Experience

Indian guy: Are all you foreigners like this?
Me: Yes.
Indian guy: This is weird, yaar.

A conversation about cultural differences between India and the West that had centred around the usage of coconut oil versus gel for hair styling had segwayed into man's favourite topic.

Indian guy: I had heard before that abroad people wipe their a** and don't wash their a** but I never believed it until you confirmed it.
Me: It's true.
Indian guy: This is very unhygienic. You know, after going to the toilet you should wash.
Me: I always wash my hands afterwards.
Indian guy: Not just your hands...
Me: I use toilet paper for that. I wipe and I wipe until the paper is white. That way my hand stays clean for when I eat. No poo stuck in my finger nails.
Indian guy: We don't use the same hand for eating. God gave you two hands for a reason! And what about your underwear? Do you wash that?
Me: Once in 3 months.
Indian guy: Ugggh. What about in airplanes? Are there Indian style toilets there?
Me: Nope. 
Indian guy: Not even on Air India?
Me: No. Maybe you can use the water from the sink and slosh it around.
Indian guy: My god, this is horrible. I am learning new things today that I never imagined before.

After several moments of quiet contemplation, he had the last laugh.

Indian guy: You know all the pretty Indian girls. They also all use their hands.

Humble Beginnings

After I started working in Mumbai, an HR lady gathered some information on me so that she could share my profile information with the rest of the staff.

HR: So what are your strengths?
Me: Smart, handsome, responsible, versatile, hard working, well traveled, ...
HR: Are these your strengths or your praises?
Me: Is there a difference?
HR: ... And why aren't you smiling in your photo?
Me: I usually don't smile in my pictures.
HR: Why? Are you afraid you won't look good when you are smiling?
Me: No, I look good either way.
HR: Aren't you modest!
Me: Oh yes, add humility to my list of strengths.
HR: ...

*****

"In reality there is perhaps not one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself...For even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility." - Benjamin Franklin

Not Interested

The elevator in my office building in Beijing was packed with the lunch crowd. Among the occupants was a friendly man who worked in an adjacent office and his cute colleague who was friendly to all but one.

Friendly man: Where are you going for lunch?
Me: The Place.
Friendly man: Which place?
Me: The Place. You know...the shopping center.
Friendly man: Oh, I see.
Me: Do you guys want to join?

The friendly man conferred with his cute colleague while the rest of the elevator riders eagerly awaited her response.

Friendly man: She is not interested.
Me: In the Place? Or in me?
Friendly man: Both.

The elevator audience chuckled in unison.

Misunderstand

Me: You are dressed nicely today.
Wide eyed Chinese beauty: You means usually I dressed ugly?
Me: Umm... I mean even better than usual. Is it because you want to have dinner with me tonight?
Wide eyed Chinese beauty: No. Misunderstand.