The World is Flatulent

Research suggests the average person passes gas around 10-20 times a day, with some overachievers emit as many as 50 farts a day. A guy blows his horn about 10 times for every 8 times that a girl fluffs. Although the volume of flatus released by the man is greater, the stench is more concentrated in female farts as they do not disperse the odor as frequently. Despite these facts, gender and racial stereotypes have made me the victim of vicious fart attacks by women across the world.

During my school days when I was standing beside a group of girls and one let out a silent but deadly fart, all sets of eyes would immediately and accusingly turn towards me. I was always found guilty in the court of public opinion without being given a chance to defend myself. One of the girls had temporarily suspended traffic from passing through her southern route, waiting to synchronize her release with my arrival. This seemingly innocuous behaviour is actually a cunning stratagem to pass the blame of the foul stench on to the most likely candidate as perceived by the masses - me.

Even in China, girls will let out a fart when I am standing nearby or as I walk past them. I frequently smell farts in crowded buses and trains wafting around me. When I look around trying to identify the perpetrator, I see disapproving gazes being directed at me from the petite ladies in the blast radius. Only two of us know that it was not I who had cut the cheese. When I complained about this atrocious behaviour to a Chinese girl, she said I was being paranoid as she farted discretely.

*****

"Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Korean guy: I am going to a cat buffet now.
Me: I have never been to a cat buffet before! 
Korean guy: I can show you where it is if you want.
Me: OK, I'd like to check it out. How much does it cost?
Korean guy: Not too expensive.
Me: Cool. 
Korean guy: Yes, you can even bring your own cat.

We walk over to the entrance of the cat buffet. There are pictures of several of the cute critters on a billboard outside, with images of various dishes below.

Me: Hmm, here it says 'Cat Cafe' only. Are you sure it's all you can eat?
Korean guy: What do you mean?
Me: Are you sure it's all you can eat cat meat? You said it's a cat buffet...
Korean guy: What?? No! I said cat cafe, not cat buffet! It's a place where you can bring your cat and hang out and have coffee and some snacks.
Me: Oh...

A Confusion of Tongues

I arrived in Lijiang at night. My journey through China's beautiful Yunnan province would begin here. In the dark, the maze of alleys of the old town is quite difficult to navigate. My travel buddy Matt and I had a hard time locating our hostel. After several rounds through the cobblestone paths, we kept returning to the same central square. Matt is so fluent in the Chinese language that poems have been written about his mastery of the Middle Kingdom's mother tongue. He meandered into the darkness to ask for directions or go look for a toilet. I did not know whether he had continued onwards or would retrieve me first. After he had been gone for several minutes, I decided to look for the hostel myself. Miscommunication had separated us and our phone batteries were running low.

With the assistance of my sharp mind and befuddled expression, I was passed on from local to local until I ended up in an unmarked domicile. The madam in charge ushered me in and confirmed I was at the correct location. I called Matt to tell him that I had either found our hostel or a whorehouse. He was in a foul mood, back near the town square. The madam went to retrieve him while I stayed behind and enjoyed the company of her silent assistant. Once my friend arrived at the hostel and verified that it was not a brothel, he expressed great frustration about the fact that I had found the place first without speaking a single word of Chinese.

*****

"Language is the dress of thought." ~ Samuel Johnson

Free As A Bird

While Chinese men were busy sneaking a peek at my magnificent instrument in the bathroom, I did some observation work myself. I noticed that my Chinese colleagues would drop their pants before they started to pee into and around the urinal. After they finished they would spend some time fumbling around, pulling up their pants, and tucking in their shirts.

"Why don't you just use your zipper? It's much faster that way." I asked, demonstrating how the zip in the front of my pant works.

"Not comfortable" one replied.
"I need to relax" said another.
"How do you poo? Do you have a zip on your backside as well!?" one mocked.

The best answer during the course of my private investigation was yet to come: "Because bird needs breath. Bird is small, but it plays the whole sky."

I had found the answer to my question, and it was profound. Thus concluded my private investigation.

*****

"Let freedom never perish in your hands." - Joseph Addison

The Ningbo Scene

For a city with 7 million people, Ningbo or "Serene Waves" in Chinese is almost as quiet a place as one will find. The thriving coastal city does not have the frenetic pace of nearby Shanghai, even though it boasts the world's longest bridge over sea and the fifth busiest port. One of the five ports opened to the British for unrestricted trading after the First Opium War, Ningbo is now largely devoid of foreign devils. I drew enough interest to keep the crowds occupied during my weekend there.

Graceful canals, estates, and parks are contrasted with the modern day wonders of glistening towers and shopping districts. The foremost attraction is China's oldest library at Tianyi Pavilion. For centuries only a privileged few were allowed access to the private collection, but it is now open for public perusal. Built in 1561 during the Ming Dynasty, the collection peaked at 70,000 volumes with 13,000 in existence now. I visited the sparkling new Ningbo Museum of Art before heading to Laowaitan. This old waterfront district has been restored with rows and rows of buildings follow the Shikumen architectural style popular in the early 20th century, making it an ideal location to spend an evening in Ningbo.

*****

"To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted." - Bill Bryson