February 12, 2011

The World is Flatulent

Research suggests the average person passes gas around 10-20 times a day, with some overachievers emit as many as 50 farts a day. A guy blows his horn about 10 times for every 8 times that a girl fluffs. Although the volume of flatus released by the man is greater, the stench is more concentrated in female farts as they do not disperse the odor as frequently. Despite these facts, gender and racial stereotypes have made me the victim of vicious fart attacks by women across the world.

During my school days when I was standing beside a group of girls and one let out a silent but deadly fart, all sets of eyes would immediately and accusingly turn towards me. I was always found guilty in the court of public opinion without being given a chance to defend myself. One of the girls had temporarily suspended traffic from passing through her southern route, waiting to synchronize her release with my arrival. This seemingly innocuous behaviour is actually a cunning stratagem to pass the blame of the foul stench on to the most likely candidate as perceived by the masses - me.

Even in China, girls will let out a fart when I am standing nearby or as I walk past them. I frequently smell farts in crowded buses and trains wafting around me. When I look around trying to identify the perpetrator, I see disapproving gazes being directed at me from the petite ladies in the blast radius. Only two of us know that it was not I who had cut the cheese. When I complained about this atrocious behaviour to a Chinese girl, she said I was being paranoid as she farted discretely.


"Whoever smelt it, dealt it."