Beijing Blazing

My first Monday in Beijing I came home from work. My landlord was there. I told him I had nothing to do for the rest of the day. He told me that it was the last day of the Lantern Festival, so I should visit a park to see what it was all about. I ventured outside, took several buses, and got thoroughly lost. Fireworks were exploding left, right, and centre throughout the city. It was the last day of the Spring Festival, so everyone had to use up their fireworks before the citywide ban was back in place. After watching the light show for a while, I looked around and saw what appeared to be a gigantic chimney with smoke coming out from the top. I had heard rumours of giant smokestacks that provided heating to all the homes in Beijing so I walked toward it.

Source: Gizmodo

When I got near, I realized that it was a skyscraper on fire. There were sparks at the top, and the flames were slowly making their way down the floors. I watched in awe as the fire slowly spread, before suddenly erupting into a massive inferno. As the flames engulfed the building, ash and small pieces of debris began to rain down. The sky turned black, the smoke blocking out the stars and the moon.

Source: BD Online

I backed away with the rest of the crowd that had gathered to gawk at the fiery sight. The fire reflected of the glossy exteriors of the surrounding office towers, giving the illusion that the whole area was ablaze. The eerie spectacle drew a crowd of thousands. The onlookers were intent on breaking the Guinness World Record for most camera phones used simultaneously in one place. Even passengers on buses driving by quickly flipped open their handsets to snap a few pictures of the destruction. My camera had ran out of batteries, so I remained an eyewitness before returning to the safety of my apartment. The inside of my ears were filled with soot and my forehead had turned black.

*****

"Fire and people do in this agree, they both good servants,
both ill masters be." - Fulke Greville

Kunming Konnection

China is one of the few places on Earth where you can go to a city that has a population of 6 million to experience the small town feeling. I also went to Kunming for the clean air, moderate temperature, and noodles. Wherever I ventured in the city, I was surprised to see people of all ages interacting with each other. In the parks, the masses were dancing in synchronization to loud music. A popular form of exercise, no one seemed to be embarrased by the moves they were pulling off. In Beijing, the youth and elders do not visibly hang out at the same venues. In Kunming, this did not seem to be an issue as the generations mixed freely. Old folks played mahjong while their grandchildren practiced their slick rollerskating moves nearby.

With a three day holiday in my first week of work at my new job, I flew to the other end of China. Kunming is in the south while Beijing translates to "North Capital". The townspeople kept a safe distance from me the first day, but by the end of my visit they had become accustomed to having the Indo-Canadian temptation walk among them. An eager set of parents brought their shy 7 year old daughter to practice her spoken English with me. A plain looking girl also came up to me excitedly and greeted me as if I knew her. Eventually I figured out that I had gone to Shilin with her on the same bus the previous day. The City of Eternal Spring was a good place to escape the hustle and bustle of Beijing for a few days, but I soon had to return to the capital to continue building my promising career.

******

"There is only one way in which one can endure man's inhumanity to man and that is to try, in one's own life, to exemplify man's humanity to man."

 - Alan Paton -

Jin Gang Guoji

The Prince of Peking needs a suitable residence. My Beijing pad is called Jin Gang Guoji (or Golden Harbour International in English). Located on the outer edges of the central business district (CBD), it is an abode of peace in a city of smog. The massive complex takes up a full city block, with its domed towers lit up majestically at night.

Security guards man the entrances, but the real work is done by the locked gates. The gates open with an electronic swipe card and are quite heavy. Petite Chinese ladies struggle mightily to open them as the guards watch nonchalantly. I wait patiently for several minutes while they use all their strength to push open the door. If I approach them from behind to lend a hand they are startled by my appearance. They go into a state of shock and start hyperventilating, so I have stopped providing this service.

The ARNABode of Beijing follows the traditional Chinese architectural pattern of having a central courtyard with rooms enclosing it from all sides, but on a much larger scale. Manicured gardens, an artificial lake that is occasionally filled with water, and a circular platform where old folks practice tai chi in the morning and children play in the evening are the main features of this inner sanctum. I estimate there are 5-10 thousand inhabitants living here. It is a five minute walk from my apartment to the street if I exit through the official gateway to the outside world. There are a string of convenience stores located on the bottom floor of the buildings that make up Jin Gang Guoji, and sometimes I use them as shortcuts for entry and exit. I often buy fruit, chewing gum, and phone cards to show my gratitude.

******

“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home.”

- Thornton Wilder -

Visiting Macau

I was in Macau for a day, having arrived from Hong Kong via catamaran. It does not take long to realize that this is the gambling capital of Asia. Competition is fierce in the high stakes world of wealth redistribution. At the ferry terminal, buses from various casinos wait to take visitors to the pits of sin. I first went to the Venetian, the largest casino in the world, before making stops at a few others. Macau has its own currency which has a fixed exchange rate with the Hong Kong dollar. Since the HKD is accepted everywhere on the island, day trippers from Hong Kong can go directly to the casinos without the hassle of first visiting a foreign exchange.

Apart from the still developing under construction Cotai Strip of casinos, the former Portuguese colony is nowhere near as well developed as Hong Kong. It still has a homely feel to it. I wandered the streets and visited a few of the sites which were not gambling dens. The Macau Tower, a replica of Auckland's Sky Tower, has the world's longest bungee jump. While chewing on a chocolate bar at the base of the tower, I watched a few people jump from the outside of the observation deck. The Macau Grand Prix Musuem was very impressive, with cars driven by Ayrton Senna and Michael Schumacher on the city state's famed street circuit on display. I tried the racing simulator to experience the high speed thrills of Formula 3 car racing. The public bus had a sofa, so I finally sat down after a long day walking around town. The bus driver had to rouse me at the ferry terminal, as I had dozed off on the couch.

*******

"The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil." - Heywood Broun

Ancient Towns: Cuandixia

The vast majority of tourist sites in Beijing are not as old as history would dictate. Many have been reconstructed in recent times. Although the style of architecture may be old, the physical construction is new. There is very little wear and tear to indicate years of usage, so a modern day visitor might not fully appreciate the authenticity of the site. Every once in a while though, it is possible to uncover a hidden gem that appears to have been left unrestored. One such place was Cuandixia, an ancient Ming village around a hundred kilometers outside of Beijing.

Situated on a hillside, the village has not changed much in the past 500 years apart from the fact that the residents have all joined the tourist industry. Most of the homes also serve as either restaurants or guesthouses. Time moves slowly in Cuandixia. I had Chinese style pancakes at the house of an old couple. It took them almost 30 minutes to make the first one and another 15 to make the second one. After lunch I hiked around the surroundings. The Line in the Sky is a popular landmark where light shines through a gap in a ravine. I also ventured to the Fairy Pool. I waited a few moments but no Chinese beauty emerged from within, so I headed back into town. This time machine into China's past made for a pleasant day out.

********

"If there is any period one would desire to be born in, is it not the age of revolution; when the old and the new stand side by side and admit of being compared; when the energies of all men are searched by fear and by hope; when the historic glories of the old can be compensated by the rich possibilities of the new era? This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."

 - Ralph Waldo Emerson -

Wangfujing Snack Street

There are many sites in and around Beijing that must be seen at least once in a lifetime, but only a handful warrant multiple visits. Apart from the Great Wall, Wangfujing Snack Street is one of the few attractions that has consistently drawn me back time and again. Wangfujing is a busy shopping district with two main areas where strange treats are sold alongside more mundane fare. Tourists mill about the rows of food stalls, many with looks of complete shock on their face when they see the delicacies awaiting them. Mysterious sea creatures and insects are top draws for the daring. Some merely gawk at others without trying any of the skewers on offer. The footpath is frequently hosed to get rid of the organic materials that have been dropped, spat out, vomited, or otherwise excreted on to the ground.

I compiled an incomplete list of items that I tried for the first time at the mother of all snack streets.

Visit 1

• Starfish
• Seahorse
• Sea snake,
• Soup made of cows inner organs
• Stinky tofu

Visit 2

• Scorpion
• Snake
• Silkworm

Visit 3

• Sea urchin
• Lamb penis
• Duck heart

Visit 4

• Bees
• Dragonfly
• Lamb testicles
• Under the counter cat

*****

“Food is our common ground, a universal experience.”

James Beard

Guilin Grub

While I was in Guilin it rained continuously. The heavy downpour usually kept me indoors or wandering from one restaurant to another. I had a chance to barter for a variety of fresh fare, from fish to frogs to turtles. Since the precipitation was intense most of the locals had headed for the shelter of their homes, leaving prospective customers scarce at dining establishments.

The managers of the restaurants vied for my attention, energetically trying to usher me in to their eateries. I nonchalantly perused the edible creatures and estimated how appetizing they would be. One shopkeeper grabbed a toad and held it inches away from my face, but his tactic proved to be futile as I moved on to other options. I settled for a large fish after finding the exotic creatures too expensive for my liking.

*****

"Tis not the meat, but 'tis the appetite makes eating a delight."

- Sir. John Suckling -

Temple of Heaven

Heaven. Earth. Sun. Moon.

Four elemental temples are scattered around Beijing, with the Temple of Heaven the most spectacular of the quartet. The name of the temple in Chinese is Tiantan, which translates to "Altar of Heaven". On a cloudless summer's day, I wandered its grounds for several hours. As the sun shined up above, beads of sweat graced my forehead. Rivulets of perspiration slowly trickled downwards, tracing the symmetric lines of my face. Effortlessly combining aesthetic principles and cultural values, the design of the temple was similarily well thought out. Squares, representing earth, and circles, representing heaven, serve as the chief design motifs for impressive structures within the temple complex such as the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, the Imperial Vault of Heaven, the Echo Wall, and the Circular Mound Altar.

*****

“My soul can find no staircase to heaven unless it be through earth's loveliness.”

- Michelangelo -

Stone Forest of Shilin

270 million years in the making, the Shilin Stone Forest is a collection of odd rock formations jutting up from the ground. Located in Yunnan province, Shilin was an easy bus ride away from Kunming. I remained steady as a rock when I entered the forest made of stone. All around me were the strange shapes. It was a dark and rainy day, so the formations seemed even more foreboding. Legend has it that the gods shattered the mountains into smaller fragments so that lovers could have some privacy among the rocks. The scientific explanation is that the area was an ocean before, and when the water subsided these rocks were left behind.

*****

“The observer, when he seems to himself to be observing a stone, is really, if physics is to be believed, observing the effects of the stone upon himself.”

- Bertrand Russell -

ARNABonics

As the global downturn continues many people can no longer afford their expensive hobbies. Instead they have sought out more cost effective means of entertainment. ARNABonics is one such beneficiary of this worldwide trend, as it is a fun, free, and educational alternative to pricey pursuits. ARNABonics is a nonstandard form of English where words in standard usage are concatenated to the tail end of the phrase ARNAB. Anyone can participate in adding new words to the vocabulary. Having rapidly gained in popularity in the past few years, ARNABonics is forecast to rank alongside solitaire, crossword puzzles, and sudoku as one of the primary pastimes of housewives by 2020.

The grammatical rules are easy to learn. The words must seamlessly combine with ARNAB following a concrete syntax. They usually start with B (ARNAB + Bombshell = ARNABombshell or ARNAB + Babe = ARNABabe), but words starting with AB, NAB, and RNAB are also acceptable, though considerably more difficult to construct. As it is a growing field, new words are being continuously created and semantically defined. There is also room for innovation. The ARNACutie provides an interesting case study. Even though Cutie starts with the letter C, and distorts the natural harmony of the five letters A-R-N-A-B, it rhymes with the already established ARNABeauty and is thus a valuable addition to the vernacular.

******

"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!"
- Nathaniel Hawthorne -

ARNABungee: A Moment's Hesitation

I had gone to Longqing Xia, the site of my first attempted bungee jump, with an Argentinian and an American. The Yankee was promptly declared overweight by the Chinese attendant and was not allowed to jump. The Argentine and I emptied our pockets and and handed the American all our loose items for safekeeping. I had to leave my glasses behind, leaving my world an indistinct blur of colours and shapes.

I followed the Argentinian up the stairs to the 68 meter high bungee jumping platform, grasping the railing as I could not see anything clearly. He would jump first. Ankle braces were tightened around his feet and he was led to the edge of the platform. At this point he was having second thoughts and grasped a hold of the guard rails with his hands. After waiting several moments for him to voluntarily take the plunge, the attendant calmly pushed the Argentine off the platform. A long schoolgirl shriek echoed through the gorge as he disappeared into oblivion. I was up next.

 

******

“Hesitation increases in relation to risk in equal proportion to age.” 

- Ernest Hemingway -

798 Art District

Avant garde and trendy are usually words that come to mind when people are visualizing me, but in Beijing they are often associated with the 798 Art District. East German architects created the factory space in the Bauhaus style of design. At the cutting edge of China's cultural scene, the pedestrian friendly zone is a haven for creative types.  Beijing's artistic community found a home in the formerly deserted warehouse area. Art galleries, boutiques, and cafes are peppered among the austere old buildings. Modern art, such as strange sculptures of mutants, line the alleyways.

There is also a Nike Basketball facility, where a crowd had gathered to watch the action on court. A large picture of Lebron James adorns the exterior as China's basketball sensation Yao Ming is sponsored by rival Reebok. Nike, Reebok, and Adidas with its "Impossible is Nothing" slogan are busy combating China's homegrown athletic apparel company Li-Ning and their incomparable catchphrase "Everything is Possible". Fortunately, the contemporary artwork on display in 798 shows much more creativity.

******

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in." - Amy Lowell

The Dragon's Head

Our train arrived in the port city of Qinhuangdao, from whence we caught a bus to the Russian-flavoured resort town of Beidaihe. The beach was mediocre, the water dirty, the beer weak, the food terrible, and the women clothed, but apart from that it was a wonderful place. Since it was the 4th of July, we took a taxi to the local McDonalds ("Mai dang lao") and had dinner, before catching another taxi to Shanhaiguan.

After being able to successfully bargain down the admission price at the entrance, we found out we were in some kind of wax re-creation of the Great Wall instead of the actual site itself. There was also a fake Buddhist temple within the complex. A "to park" sign gave us hope that the real Great Wall lay ahead of us, but the path took us back to the parking lot. We walked further down the road and finally found the real entry point into the "Dragon's Head" section of the world's largest military structure. I stood at the edge of the Great Wall, gazing out at the ocean.

 

***

"Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering." 

- Saint Augustine -

Great Wall Beach Party

The Great Wall Beach Party is an annual event held in Shanhaiguan, the point at which the monumental structure meets the sea. With the Great Wall serving as an imposing backdrop, the beach is converted into a playground for drunken revelers. Busloads of fickle foreigners are transported to the site at night and then carted off back to Beijing in the morning. Three friends and I wanted to explore the area properly, with the party serving as a bonus attraction. We caught a train at dawn from Beijing.

By the time we arrived at the site of the beach party we were quite sleepy, having woken up at 5am to catch the train. After a few false starts that involved rain, overweight women, and sleeping in hotel lobbies, we walked over to a sandbar from where we could both see and hear the party. Soon we were fast asleep. Around 2 am it became quite chilly. Half of our group fled to the safety of a hotel room, while the other fellow and I retired to the comfort of the hotel lobby for a few hours before walking back to the beach at 4 am to catch the sunrise. We finally made it to the party as it was on its last legs. After 15 minutes, we were napping on the beach again until 6 am. We then strolled to the Great Wall.

*******

“Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home and never, never be both.”
- David Brown

My Fare Lady

Although there are crowd avoidance strategies that an experienced transit user can usually employ, sometimes he has no choice but to get on a jam packed bus. The population density becomes so great that it is not possible to count the number of people on board without falling asleep first. On one such busy occasion, I somehow found myself positioned between the two most attractive female passengers on the bus. I was tightly holding on to the overhead handlebars and trying to maintain my balance so as not to bop into either of the women, lest they form an incorrect opinion of the Prince of Honour.

The bus was idling at one intersection for several minutes due to the heavy traffic. The temperature was pushing 40 degrees. Everyone was sweating heavily, using their arms to wipe the perspiration dripping from their foreheads or just letting it splash onto nearby passengers. As I was drying myself with one hand, I was knocked from behind with considerable force. I lost my grip on the handle bar and felt myself falling. I used the lady in front of me to stop my forward momentum. She instinctively turned around and shot me a dirty look. I also turned my head to see what was going on behind me. The other pretty lady was flat on her back. She had collapsed from heatstroke or some other malady. I delicately attempted to lift her up with the aid of a scrawny Chinese chap. We were having some difficulty until we were helped by the fare lady.

Responsible for making sure everyone pays for their bus ride, the ticket collector was a big boned woman of sturdy stock. She pushed aside the crowd that had formed a circle around the prone body and picked up the young woman. She shooed away the occupant of one of the seats reserved for the sick, pregnant, and elderly, and dumped the knockout there. She had regained consciousness by now and was rubbing the shoulder she had landed on. The fare lady checked to see if the girl still had her wits about her. Once this was verified, she yelled at the bus driver to keep going. The remainder of the journey was not noteworthy.

******

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

Professor Henry Higgins: Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Yes, very frequently.

- My Fair Lady, the winner of the 1964 Best Picture Oscar

Poutine Nation

My love affair with poutine started at an early age and only strengthened throughout the years. As I celebrated Canada Day with an Irishman, a Malay, and an Argentine in China, I was treated to some poutine at the Goose and Duck. This Canadian-owned bar was hosting the July 1st festivities in Beijing. An individual with low cholesterol might ask "What is poutine?".

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mastermaq/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Poutine is the closest thing to a national dish that Canada has. Its precise birthplace is unknown, but poutine originated somewhere in Quebec. The "heart attack in a bowl" is the perfect blend of French fries layered with cheese curd and covered in hot gravy. As it melts into a single entity, poutine becomes much greater than the sum of its ingredients. Poutine is to the stomach what I am to the soul. A feast for the senses, it is Canadian cuisine at its finest.

*******

"Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food."

- George Bernard Shaw

Traffic Jam

Most newcomers to Beijing have been warned in advance about the heavy traffic that they will experience in the city. This does little to prepare them for the gridlock that awaits them once they arrive. Weaving through traffic, whether in a vehicle or by foot is quite an endeavour. In rush hour, the approximately four kilometer long trip from my home in Dawanglu to my office in Guomao takes one hour by bus. There are four major intersections in between, and it takes 10-15 minutes to cross each one. If I am late leaving my apartment in the morning I walk one, two, or three stops down. The number of stops depends on how late I am. I board the bus when I have caught up to where I would have been in if I had been riding the bus all along.

The cars, buses, and trucks spill on to the bike lanes once they have clogged up the roads. Smaller motorized vehicles, bicycles, and people fit through the empty spaces to be found amongst the larger vehicles, often barely squeezing past. Traffic comes from all directions. Although vehicular traffic is chaotic and slow, this is not to say that those walking are actually moving swiftly or smoothly. In fact pedestrians are waddling at a very relaxed pace, so as not to break a sweat, trip over uneven pavement, or collide with a defecating child. Sudden stops are not uncommon either, as a certain item being sold by a street side vendor may have caught their attention, they may have forgotten where they were going, or had the urge to clear their throats by collecting large amount of phlegm and indiscriminately spitting this out on to the street or on innocent bystanders. Although I have become adept at navigating the streets and sidewalks of Beijing, I have yet to perfect the latter practice.

 ********

“There are no traffic jams when you go the extra mile.”

Let a Thousand Flowers Bloom

When not instant messaging, napping, working, or watching subtitled episodes of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants on their computer, Chinese cubicle dwellers often play a web-based game that involves planting flowers and watering them. Occasionally another player comes along and steals a plant, upsetting the victimized player who has been robbed of a chance to smell the roses. Having never played it myself, I presume the social aspect of the game is what makes it so captivating.

*****

"Letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land."

- Chairman Mao

Training Day

I completed an epic 24 hour train journey from Beijing to Hong Kong. In the process, I saw the Chinese landscape through the windows of my compartment and felt the warmth of the Chinese people through my heart. Most of my trip was spent on a long distance train from Beijing to Shenzhen. Fellow travelers took great interest in the presence of a foreigner, especially one of such indecipherable origins and universal appeal. Intrigued passengers gathered around from nearby compartments to see what the hullabaloo was about.

Through the help of an interpreter I explained all the exotic foods I wished to eat while in China. The men roared with approval while the women squirmed in disgust. One chap led me to his compartment so I could practice English with him. He was going overseas for the first time to give a presentation to some Germans and was understandably nervous. Since I understood most of what he was saying, he was relieved and a great burden was lifted from his back.

Located directly north of Hong Kong on the Pearl River delta, Shenzhen is China's first Special Economic Zone (SEZ). In a SEZ many legal restrictions are lifted or eased by the government, allowing business to flourish. Shenzhen has developed rapidly from a small fishing village to a busy megapolis in three decades. From the Shenzhen train station, it was only a short walk to the subway which would take me to Hong Kong. I went through customs before hopping on board. This 40 minute subway ride pushed my total travel time to a day. My journey from Beijing to Hong Kong had come to an end.

*****

"Most of my treasured memories of travel are recollections of sitting."– Robert Thomas Allen

Speechless

I was returning to work after having lunch. I had just eaten noodles, accompanied by chrysanthemum tea and several coworkers. As we approached my office tower, one of my colleagues pointed out a large gathering of beautiful women in the lobby area. All the security guards had gathered around the flock of fetching females, their jaws on the floor. Since I focus on the inner beauty of a person, I had not immediately noticed that they were all stunners. About 30 eager young women in high heels and full make up were present for the ARNABabe auditions.

I had not organized the event, nor had the Beijing chapter of my fan club, so I approached a cluster of cuties to determine why they had suddenly appeared in my midst. No response was given. They were completely speechless. Some surmised the blank looks on their face were a sign of adoration for the Indo-Canadian Temptation. Others mistook it as a visual display of their confusion at hearing English words for the first time in real life. My colleague, whose Chinese language skills surpass mine, was able to find out that they were trying out for roles in advertisements for either Trojan condoms or BMW automobiles. He was unable to ascertain which.

****************

"We live only to discover beauty. All else is a form of waiting."

- Kahlil Gibran

A Good Egg

On my first weekend in Beijing I got on the subway and headed in the direction of Tiananmen Square. There were two stops in the Tiananmen area on the line I was riding on - East and West. I got off at the Tiananmen West station and wandered around. I could not find the actual square,but I did stumble upon a peculiar egg shaped building. It turned out to be the National Center for the Performing Arts.

Designed by a French architect, the modern building stands out in an area that predominantly boasts traditional Chinese architecture. The controversial structure is surrounded by a pool of water. Titanium and glass form the yin and yang of the building's dome. It took me around twenty minutes to circumnavigate the complex. The sun set as I completed my round, with observers witnessing my bold silhouette framed against the backdrop of the glistening egg with awe and anticipation. A new chapter in China's storied history was about to begin.

*********

"If the stone fall upon the egg, alas for the egg! If the egg fall upon the stone, alas for the egg!"

- Ancient Proverb

The Bird's Nest and Other Olympic Venues

I emerged out of a subway station on the Olympic line, swapping my spectacles for my shades in one smooth motion as I entered the sunlight. A host of architectural wonders stretched out around me. Directly in front was the Bird's Nest, Beijing's showpiece for the 2008 Summer Olympics. Officially the stylish mesh of steel pillars is known as the National Stadium. The largest steel structure in the world can hold 80,000-90,000 people, but it has been lying largely dormant since the conclusion of the Games. Both the opening and closing ceremonies were held here.

To the west of the stadium was the translucent Water Cube and the iconic Pangu Plaza. The National Aquatic Center gets its distinct shimmering look from the ethylene tetrafluoroethylene (ETFE) polymer that was used to construct it. The plastic material is much cheaper than glass and also much lighter. 25 world records were broken in this pool, but its exquisite appearance is what draws the attention of the masses.

The highest tower in the Pangu Plaza is shaped like a dragon's head. In Chinese mythology, Pangu was the first living being and the uniter of heaven and earth. In neighbouring Korea, pangu means "fart". To the north of the Bird's Nest is the Olympic Forest Park, an open space with an artificial lake in the middle. The public is not allowed to walk on the grass here.

******

"Tender fragrant grass. How hardhearted to trample them." 

- Warning sign posted within the Olympic Green

Dumb Bus, Smart Bus, Empty Bus

In Beijing it is not an uncommon sight to see a caravan of identically numbered buses arrive at a bus stop one after the other. For example, bus #31 will be immediately followed by another bus #31 and yet another bus #31. This is often followed by a very long wait until the next cluster of buses arrive.

Each bus departs their starting point at regularly scheduled intervals, say every 10 minutes. At the first stop the mass of transit users converge on the first bus and try to get on board before everyone else. The pushing and shoving lasts approximately 1-3 minutes. Traffic also moves at an Arnab's pace in Beijing. During this time, the second bus on the same route has left the bus station and is now only around 10 minutes behind. Repeat this pattern a couple of more times, and by the second or third stop on the route the two buses are together. Another one to two stops later, all three buses will be within striking distance of each other. The cycle repeats after every 3 buses since by then another huge group of riders has gathered at the bus stop.

The swarm that enters the first bus leaves it packed to the brim. People are squashed against the windows and doors. All the seats on the second bus fill up quickly, but there is room to comfortably stand for the stragglers. The third bus obligatorily stops at each designated spot, but since 95% of the passengers have already boarded one of the two previous buses that arrived in the past minute it is left mostly empty. It is difficult to predict the change in arrival times that would take place if ridership was evenly distributed amongst the three buses, but at the very least the ride would be a lot more comfortable for most people.

******

"I'd rather go by bus." - Prince Charles

Hockey Morning in China

Hockey Night in Canada is a national institution. Every Saturday night, millions of hockey fans gather around their TV sets to watch the action on the ice and listen to a belligerent Don Cherry rant on Coach's Corner during the intermissions. As China is half a day ahead of Canada, I had the chance to catch a few of Vancouver's playoff games live the following morning. The Irish Volunteer, a pub in Beijing, was showing the games on TV using Slingbox video streaming technology. I watched the final two losses of Vancouver's season as they were eliminated by Chicago in 6 games after blowing a 2-1 series lead.

Vancouver's National Hockey League (NHL) team is called the Canucks. 'Canuck' is slang for 'Canadian'. The professional hockey team has a storied history of losing since it joined the league in 1970 as an expansion franchise. It has twice reached the Stanley Cup finals, but failed to secure a championship on either trip. The Stanley Cup is the most difficult sporting competition in the world. Four rugged rounds of best-of-7 series are played over a two month span, with the athletes playing through a myriad of injuries (broken bones, cracked ribs, concussions, etc.) for a chance to lift Lord Stanley's Cup. Power, skill, teamwork, and determination are demonstrated by the players of the coolest game on Earth on a nightly basis.

*******

Canadian Guy #1: I cannot believe that you didn't bring your hockey gear with you when you came to China!
Canadian Guy #2: My luggage had weight restrictions.
Canadian Guy #1: You could have left your wife at home then.

The Terracotta Warriors

I arrived in Xi'an on the same day that the excavations at the final resting place of the Terracotta Army restarted after a gap of over 20 years. After getting off the train and finding a hostel, my fellow travelers and I caught a bus to the necropolis. We saw thousands of life sized figures as soon as we arrived, but they turned out to be tourists.

A long walk awaited us before we finally reached the three pits containing the Terracotta Warriors. After entering a large warehouse, we came face to face with rows and rows of terracotta soldiers and horses. Discovered by peasants digging a well in 1974, the figures were constructed two centuries before the birth of Christ. The Terracotta Army protects China's first emperor in his journey through the afterlife. The statues have different expressions on their faces as craftsmen sculpted each uniquely. Many have lost body parts or weapons. Some of the horse figurines have lost their tail, leaving an embarrassing hole in their posterior.

*******

"It's worth much more than you pay for it." - Slogan on poster seen within the Terracotta Army tomb complex

Lonely Planet

After my presentation at Peking University concluded and before my Q&A period had commenced, I had been instructed by the organizers to ask the audience a trivia question related to my speech to make sure they had been following what I had been mumbling.

In true Slumdog Millionaire style, I provided four multiple choice options. Many hands went up in the crowd. I selected one eager individual and he answered my question correctly. One of the event organizers came up to me and handed me a Lonely Planet travel guide. The chap who had correctly answered my query ran up to me and vigorously shook my hand. I reciprocated before waving to the adoring audience and walking off the podium.

They immediately burst into laughter.

The Lonely Planet book was actually the prize for the person who was first to answer my question properly. I handed the book to my hand shaker, who was still waiting on stage to collect his reward. A female fan later told me that I had a severe case of the ARNABlushes during the incident, with my ears turning bright red.

*********

"The world, I found, has a way of taking a man pretty much at his own rating. If he permits his loss to make him embarrassed and apologetic, he will draw embarrassment from others. But if he gains his own respect, the respect of those around him comes easily." - Alexander de Seversky

Q and A

After my speech at Peking University concluded I ate Indian food with chopsticks for the first time. A newly opened Indian restaurant in the student area had generously provided dinner to all the attendees of the seminar. After finishing my meal and posing for a few photographs, I was rushed back on stage. It was time to answer some questions from the audience. The Q&A portion of my inaugural lecture at an institute of higher education drew great interest.

1. What is the religious composition of India?

The computational knowledge engine known as Wolfram Alpha spit out the following facts:

80.5% Hindu       
13.4% Muslim                                          
2.3% Christian
1.9% Sikh
1.9% Others (Buddhist, Jain, etc.)

They were in line with the estimates provided by myself using the computational knowledge engine known as the ARNABrain.

2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)

Yes, there are many cows to be found on the streets of India. Delhi is supposed to have at least 40,000 holy cows wandering its streets alone. The blessed bovines are revered by Hindus, so they are free to roam the roads unharmed. 

3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

This was the toughest question of the bunch, warranting further investigation. I muttered a convulated answer about how China has much greater infrastructure than India and equivalent educational instituitions, but is severely lagging behind in English language skills and in the free flow of information and knowledge that is continually transferred between India and the West.

********

“He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.” -  Voltaire

Speaking at Peking

I was invited to give a speech at Peking University, following a long line of accomplished orators such as Bill Clinton and Tony Blair. Consistently positioned at the top of China's university rankings, Peking University draws the brightest minds in the nation. There were four speakers including myself, each responsible for discussing a different geographical region of India. I gave an overview of my time living, working, and traveling in South India. I focused on my time in Bangalore and Hyderabad, briefly touching on trips to Kerala and Pondicherry.

The audience was made up mostly of Chinese students who gave me their complete attention. They were captivated by my delivery and awed by my gravitas. After my speech concluded and the applause died down, I was asked several intriguing questions by the audience members:

1. What is the religious composition of India?
2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)
3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

***********

"We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study." - Gandhi

How Cute

Many foreigners come to China to cash in on the highly lucrative English teaching industry, charging exorbitant hourly rates to teach a language that they themselves may or may not be fluent in. I had no such aspirations and offered my services free of charge, providing my coworkers with tips on the correct usage of words and their meanings. Somehow my female colleagues at Force Research ended up with the misconception that the word "cute" meant intelligent. As a result, whenever I did something clever (which was not a rare occurrence) they would tell me how cute I was.

***********

"You so cute." - Chinese girl

Angels and Demons

My Irish flatmate, his American colleague, and I form a formidable trio in Beijing. We are different enough from each other to keep things interesting, but similar enough to remain friends. A Filipina assessed our individual characteristics and came up with the following verbal portrait of our distinct natures:

1. The Irishman, a scoundrel of the highest order, is beyond redemption. She dubbed him a 'devil'.
2. The American 'bad boy' still has goodness in his heart and can one day return to the path of righteousness.
3. My noble nature is so pure and untarnished that there is a likelihood I could snap at any moment and fall into an abyss of sin (see point #1).

*******************

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." - Abraham Lincoln

ARNABungee: Notice to Jumping

Long Qing Xia is a scenic area located 90km away from Beijing. The Long Qing gorge hosted my first ever bungee jump. Before I leaped into the unknown, I pored over the warning notice that was posted near the entrance.

***********

Jumping down from the jumping platform is a real challenge to people of the world nowadays. It is also the bravers' enjoyment. Anyone who will join in this activity must pay attention to the following:

1. People who suffer hypertension, heart disease and mental disease are forbidden. The pregnant women and the people who drink are also not allowed to join in the activity.

2. If children under 18 want to join in it, they must have the guardians sign.

3. The jumpers must do everything under the conduct of the workers. Don't have fun or play in the public space of entertainment. Don't damage any facilities.

4. While doing jumping, one mustn't take your valuables or anything easy to drop with you.

5. Admission by ticket only. One has a ticket. The ticket that is sold can't be returned or exchange with others.

6. If anyone hesitates about jumping on the jumping platform beyond three minutes, he or she is considered to waive the right to jump.

Lost Wallet

I awoke on a sunny Saturday afternoon and got ready to do some sightseeing in Beijing. I locked the door to my room and put the keys in my pocket. Something was awry. Several denominations of Chinese currency (RMB) were in my pocket. My trusty phone was there also. So was my transit pass. Assorted pieces of lint were also present. But my wallet was missing!

I looked around my room, which was as spic and span as a country man. My wallet was AWOL. I expanded my search to all corners of my apartment, going over it with a fine toothed comb. I looked between the sofa cushions. I emptied the trash can. I checked the fridge. Nowhere to be found was my wayward wallet.

I wallowed in self pity for a few moments, munching on some meat-flavoured bean product that I bought from the local convenience store with some of my remaining change. Then I sprung into action, notifying my financial institutions of my misfortune. They canceled my credit cards immediately. I contacted the venues I recollected being at the night before, but they had not seen my misplaced wallet either. It was gone forever.

*****

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.” - Marcus Aurelius

People's Liberation

About to head off from Bangalore to Mahabalipuram for a beach weekend, a Korean and I made our way to the Majestic bus station. A bus heading to our destination arrived punctually at our scheduled departure time of 9:30 pm. We got on, only to be informed that this was actually the 8:30 pm bus. We got off and waited. In due time I headed off to the washroom. The dutiful Koreanette remained at the bus stop to watch over my travel gear.

I entered the public bathroom and found all the water closets occupied. Several uncomfortable minutes passed and the situation remained the same. I discovered that all the stalls were locked from the inside except for one. I could still hear noises coming from inside this one though. The stench was most foul. A poor soul seemed to be trapped inside, seeking deliverance at the hands of a fellow potty patron. I unlocked the door, and out popped a beleaguered looking fellow who quickly ran outside. I do not know how long he had been dwelling in the commode.

******************

"A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom." - Bob Dylan

Peking Dick

Beijing may be famous for its Peking duck, but some other specialties also stick out. At a roadside stall in Wangfujing I was offered a skewer of lamb penis that was being sold by a cocky food seller. He gave me the shaft. Not wanting to be a dick, I purchased and devoured the organ. My roommate did not want to be a member to the act, so he refrained from gobbling the knob. He felt like a wiener as he watched me chew on the sheep schlong.

My flatmate also vowed never to accompany me to the first specialty palace of phallus in the world. The Guolizhuang genital restaurant serves the love skin of various animals, boasting a virile customer base and strong growth prospects. Privately owned and operated, it is not a stop on any of the standard package tours.

Swine Dining

The swine flu epidemic has swept across the globe, putting fear in the hearts of men. While most of the world has pig on their mind I have it in my stomach. At Hadilao Hot Pot, I had pig brains accompanied with helpings of duck blood and fungus. A hot pot is a bowl of simmering broth in which different food items can be dropped. It is placed in the center of the dining table so that everyone can participate in the process of cooking and eating. The communal meal is particularly popular during the harsh Beijing winter. For the inexperienced hot potter, it is sometimes difficult to determine when the meat has been fully cooked and is ready to eat. The brain was left in the bowl for an extra long amount of time before being consumed as a safety precaution.  

******************

“It is the quiet pigs that eat the meal.” - Irish Proverb

Subway Saviour

As is the custom in overpopulated nations, mass transit users get on board vehicles before other passengers have a chance to disembark. Usually the members of the opposing groups collide, push, shove, slip, squeak, and slither until each side is where they want to be. One day on the Beijing subway, a peasant girl was left behind in this transition. The rest of her family had made their way onto the train successfully, but the little girl was still on the platform.

As the warning bell sounded and the subway doors started to close from each side, the parents suddenly realized that she had been left behind. The mother started screaming, while the father attempted to retrieve the daughter. The doors were sliding shut quickly and the father could not reach his daughter from inside the train. When there seemed to be little hope for salvation, my heroic instinct kicked in. Just as the authorities had blocked my website, I blocked the door. While I prevented one side from closing, the mother held the other door at bay. This gave the father just enough time to leap onto the platform, scoop up the bewildered child, and hop back on board moments before the doors closed and the train started moving.

With the crisis averted I returned to gazing at my reflection in the subway windows. Meanwhile, the mother had lost her temper. Her hysterical rage was directed at the father, who had forgotten to make sure the daughter was with them when they were aboard the train. The father looked around sheepishly as his wife screamed and screeched. The little girl wailed for a good five minutes, wiped her eyes, and promptly stomped on her father's foot. Noticing the new scuff mark on his shoe, the father delivered a soft but swift kick to his daughter's rear. She immediately started crying again, which led to further scolding of the father by the mother.

Soon my stop arrived. As the shrieking and crying continued in the background, I enjoyed a nice game of Chinese bowling as I got off the train. This is a traditional game where the people who are trying to get on the train and the people who have no intention of getting off the train but are still blocking the doorway act as human pins, while whoever is trying to get out is the ball.

***********************

"Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world."
- Rebecca Harding Davis

ARNABlocked

If you are reading this message that means that I no longer have access to the Blogger platform that is used to host ARNABlog. 

ARNABlog has been SENsored by the authorities from the moment I arrived, and perhaps even earlier. The gatekeepers of the Internet allowed most other blogs to merrily exist in the new engine of the world economy, but ARNABlog could only be accessed from within the People's Republic sporadically. Presently, the Great Firewall of China has ARNABlocked not only my site but also all others that are hosted on Blogger. Although I could not view my literary output online, I could still publish my inner thoughts. At the moment, even that is not possible until the ARNABan is lifted.

Lazy Gay

My office in the Dacheng International Center was recently renovated. There was a lack of available meeting space. The cubicles were shifted back so that additional rooms could be created. The construction took place over the weekend, leaving the office a dusty mess when all the employees arrived at work the following Monday.

Chinese lady:

Our desk and chair so dirty. 

You just stay there! 

Dont clean this!  

So lazy!

Me:

I thought that the cleaning lady will clean it.

Chinese lady:

Dose she clean your desk?

Me:

Yes, she cleans it every day. 

Chinese lady:

Your chair is dirty, too. 

You are a lazy gay.

Fashion Show

"Stunning to the senses, soothing to the soul..."

As the new star of the Beijing social scene, I ignited passion in the hearts of both local and expatriate women alike when I made a surprise appearance at a charity fashion show taking place at the Green T. House. Miss China, Miss Beijing, and Miss Shanghai from years past were also in attendance at the slick venue. Flanked by my Irish roommate, his American coworker, and a flock of ARNABabes, I posed for photographers and munched on appetizers for most of the night.

The actual fashion show was very brief, lasting for around ten minutes. Female models wearing vintage threads prowled the makeshift catwalk as the flashbulbs went off continuously in front (and behind) of them. The stark white interior of the room provided a good contrast to the dark garments adorning the models. Some had happy expressions on their faces, while others sported angry, indifferent, or vacant looks. One of the leggy models had developed a slight hunch, most likely stemming from the fact she was 1.3 times the height of the average Chinese man. Even if my tantalizing beauty were to be taken out of the equation, there were enough stunners present to make it a memorable evening.

The World's Fastest Train

Magnetic levitation (maglev) trains float above the track, using the power of science to achieve blazing fast speeds. The world's fastest commercially operating train is propelled from within the city of Shanghai to an airport outside the city limits by magnets. The maglev runs on an elevated platform, so I watched the cityscape zoom by from my window seat when I took it. A digital display overhead indicates the current velocity, which tops out at 431 km/h. Seven minutes and 30 kilometers later I had arrived at my destination.

I did not need to go to the airport, so I bought round trip tickets for my joy ride on the fast moving monorail. A Chinese man mentioned that the technology for the Shanghai airport link had been purchased from the Germans at great cost (over $1 billion USD), so that it could then be reverse engineered by Chinese talent. This demonstration track is known as the IOS (Initial Operating Segment). His body shook with unabandoned glee as he explained that the much longer Beijing-Shanghai intercity link could then be constructed at a fraction of the cost using local technology.

**********

“Speed provides the one genuinely modern pleasure.” - Aldous Huxley

The World's Longest Escalator

Steep and hilly, Hong Kong Island has a network of covered outdoor escalators which start at the base of the business district and end near the far side of the moon. The Central Mid-levels escalator system, as it is called, is 800 meters long and 135 meters high. It is possible to get off or on at each road that the conveyor transport device passes during its ascent or descent. Around 60,000 people travel on it each day. For inhabitants of the island metropolis the escalator ride is just a part of their daily commute, but for visitors it is a fascinating experience not to be missed.

The intricate series of escalators goes in the downwards direction in the morning, following the flow of humans heading to work. After 10 am, the escalators reverse direction and start taking passengers up the slopes. This is ideal for daily usage, but quite tiresome for a tourist who happily rides the escalator for the the 20-25 minutes that it takes to reach the summit, only to realize that he or she will have to trudge all the way back down by foot.

***********

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg