ARNABarbecue: Nice to Meat You

Korean BBQ restaurants are immensely popular for dinner, especially to commemorate celebratory occasions. For the birthday of a Danish friend, we ventured to a busy barbecue house in a lively student area in Seoul. Although the meat and accompaniments are provided by the BBQ restaurant, the cooking is usually done by the diners themselves. They have to carefully transfer the meat from the plate it sits on and place it on the barbecue. 

The pieces of meat have to be turned over in a timely fashion so that they do not get charred or stuck to the grill. Scissors can be used to cut the meat into more manageable chunks. Adjustable overhead vents suck up the smoke. Clothes can be stuffed in to large plastic bags or in the empty space underneath ones seat, so that they do not end up smelling of juicy strips of pork or beef. 

We could tell that at this particular restaurant the meat was very fresh. When it was brought to our table it was still in the original wrapping from the grocery store it was purchased from, complete with price tag. I kept the price tag (410g of beef for 41,000 Korean won) as a souvenir. As the night continued, we ended up at a bar. Outside the restroom I was waiting in line behind a beauty, who noticed the price tag affixed to my chest.

K-girl: You are beef?

Me: Do you like beef?

K-girl: No... I like pork.

Never O'clock

Korean girl: I have a friend who lives in Gangnam. Her family is wealthy and she recently had plastic surgery.

Me: Oh, when do we meet?

Korean girl: Never o'clock!

Myanmar

Three old friends from my Beijing days and I reunited after a few years for a weeklong trip to Myanmar (previously known as Burma). The people of Myanmar were friendly, helpful, and full of warmth. Even though they did not possess abundant quantities of material wealth, most people we encountered were clever enough. While the masses of smartphone wielding drones in Korean sport a vacant look around the clock, the Myanmarians had that distinct sharpness in their eyes that belies a certain awareness of their surroundings. They also did not appear to be made from plastic. 

On the topic of plastic, access to cash using internationally issued credit or debit cards is now a viable alternative to carrying large wads of US dollars as ATM’s made their way to Myanmar a year or two before I did. The nation was generally closed off to the West for the greater part of the past few decades, only opening up recently as it slowly transitions from military rule to democracy. American brands are not readily visible, although signs of Japanese, Chinese, and Korean investment into the gold rush of economic development that awaits Myanmar were apparent.  

The Myanmarians still use their traditional forms of dress and makeup in day to day life. This meant full length body hugging outfits for the women, their faces coated with a paste that functions as both sunscreen and beauty product, and loose sarongs for the men. The English level was decent everywhere we went, so there was little problem in communication. Of course after being in Korea, my standards for judging English competency have slipped as low as K-girls’ standards in selecting their mates.

The infrastructure was much better than nearby Laos and Cambodia, but Myanmar dwarfs these nations with a population exceeding 60 million inhabitants. Even with an established transportation system, moving about was still a hair-raising experience. We took all forms of transit available to us - trains, taxis, buses, bicycles, backs of trucks with the open tailgate functioning as the platform for more passengers to stand upon, and horse carts to name a few - to make our way from Yangon to Mandalay, with stops in Bagan and Inle in between.

Mongolia

Harsh, empty, and beautiful are words that could describe either K-girls or the Mongolian landscape. Add natural to that list of adjectives, and the land of Genghis Khan remains the only viable option among the two. I had previously visited Inner Mongolia, the part of the once great empire now absorbed by China, to explore the ghost city of Ordos and perform a Bollywood-style dance in the singing sands of the Gobi desert. This gave me a vague idea of the type of environment I was to expect in Mongolia, but did not prepare me for the vast open spaces, hearty lifestyle, hospitable people, and charming desolation that I would experience during my trip. 

Last Chuseok mostly fell on a weekend, so I spent my limited days on the island paradise of Jeju as I could not venture very far from the peninsula. The Korean thanksgiving holiday fortuitously fell on three consecutive weekdays this year, so I took a couple of extra days off work to convert it into a nine day sojourn of Mongolia.

The least densely populated country on Earth, Mongolia is about 15 times the size of South Korea but has less than 3 million inhabitants compared to the 50 million denizens of Daehanminguk. The capital city of Ulaanbaatar was utilized primarily as a base for entry and exit into Mongolia, as most of the days were spent on the road exploring sand dunes and national parks. A sturdy but aged Russian vehicle was used for transportation and circular tents (called gers) were the primary type of accommodation.

*****

The open road is a beckoning, a strangeness, a place where a man can lose himself. ~ William Least Heat-Moon

Cardboard

Me (pointing to a piece of cardboard lying on a table): It resembles the personality of a Korean man.

Korean man (upon realizing the cardboard had a greyish hue): But the colour is like your heart.

Conversations with K-girls: Hairy Chest

After seeing a tuft of my majestic chest hair...

Korean girl #1: Ahhhhhhh, I hate it!

Korean girl #2: Going home now.

Korean girl #1 (to Korean guy): He is the Arab?

Korean guy: No, India.

Korean girl #1: Does the India girl like the hair? Korean girl hate that kind of thing.

Me: Yes, they love it.

Korean girl #1: Ughhhh.

Do Not Mock

Me: South Korea is officially called Daehanminguk (대한민국)?

Korean guy: Yes.

Me: So the direct translation is something like big/great (dae) first/best (han) people's republic (minguk)?

Korean guy: Do not mock.  

Inner Beauty

Korean woman: You never say anything nice about me.

Me: Really? I think you have great inner beauty.

Korean woman: What about my outer beauty?

Me: I appreciate you for your great inner beauty.

Korean woman: Oh my god! I can't believe you said that. My boyfriend would kill you if he heard this.

Me: He might attempt the same if he heard I greatly appreciated your outer beauty.

Honeyed Words

Chinese girl: When I ask some favor form you, I should say something good, especially handsome ~ cool guy ~~something like that haha

Me: That's right!

Prince Disease

Korean girl: You have prince disease.

Me: Prince disease?

Korean girl: You don't know prince disease?

Me: No... what is it?

Korean girl: Let me find English word.

<Consults Korean-English dictionary on smartphone for several minutes>

Korean girl: Ahh... it means 'you are snob'!

So Wrong, It's Right

Malaysian friend: What are you doing?

Me: I am looking amazing.

Malaysian friend: Dude, you are an IT technician with zero social skills who thinks he is the bomb. That's just not right.

Medusa and the Sunken Palace

A stone's throw away from the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul is the entrance to the Basilica Cistern. The so-called Sunken Palace is an impressive underground complex that features a pair of Medusa heads. Medusa was the infamous Gorgon whose gaze was able to turn her victims into stone, similar to how a wayward glance from the surgically altered eyes of a K-girl has the ability to turn my knees into jelly.

First constructed 1500 years ago under the rule of the Roman emperor Constantine, the chamber remained in operation for a thousand years until the Ottoman era. The largest cistern in all Constantinople with a capacity to hold 80,000 cubic meters of water, the engineering marvel is a rather large facility and still in solid condition.

7000 slaves toiled away for several years to build the waterproof facility. The beads of sweat dropping from their forehead  were among the first liquid donations to the cistern, which was designed to hold rainwater for future use.

Many of the marble and granite columns that support the structure were reused from even more ancient ruins or were surplus from other construction projects, so they sport a variety of styles from Ionic to Doric. The two Medusa heads arrived from parts unknown, ending up upside down or sideways to fit into the general architecture without additional modification and also to avoid her direct gaze.

Jinju Namgang Lantern Festival

A four hour bus ride southward from Seoul's Nambu Bus Terminal saw me arrive in Jinju. I strolled to the riverside, arriving just in time for the start of the day's lantern festivities. The Jinju Namgang Yudeong Festival is held annually on the river that cuts a swathe through the town of 350,000. Several battles took place between the Koreans and the Japanese during the Imjin War in the 1500s in the region. The 70,000 Korean lives lost in the defence of the nation are commemorated by releasing the floating lamps into the Nam river every year.

The most noticeable landmark in town is Jinjuseong, a large fortress straddling the southern side of the Namgang. With spectacular river views and live performances it was the place to be on a happening Saturday night. After enjoying the festivities late into the evening, I went in search of food and accommodation.

I followed the masses to the eMart supermarket - a bastion of hope for a hungry man. A young lady at the food court took my order and giggled surreptitiously at the same time. Exceedingly handsome men are a rare sight in Jinju. I hurriedly completed my meal, worried that no rooms would be available and that I would have to spend another night wide awake at a 24 hour Korean sauna.

Due to the fact that many Korean males live with their parents into their thirties and also have a penchant for infidelity, both single and married men have a need for seedy love motels to carry out their amorous activities. They can also be used for wholesome purposes such as catching some simple shut eye. I wandered the streets and enquired for the availability of rooms at each such love motel I happened to pass by. On my fifth attempt, I found a motel with one room remaining.

After showing me my room, the motel manager invited me for a nightcap and regaled me with his life story. Thirty years ago he had studied English in university. On this day he finally had the opportunity to use it. As English vocabulary from bygone days drifted to the tip of his tongue, he told me his life story in disjointed sentence fragments. I would guess what he was trying to say and he would confirm whether my interpretation was the correct one.

The manager told me of how as schoolchildren decades ago, he and his classmates would release a few lanterns into the river. Nowadays, he explained, the lantern festival had exploded into a well-organized but tacky extravaganza which lacked the simplicity and charm of bygone days.

While we were conversing two beauties approached the counter. They inquired as to if a room was available and he turned them away. "You very lucky." he said earnestly, "If you come 30 minutes after, then you find two ladies in your room". I agreed that that would have been an entirely unfortunate turn of events.

Conversations with K-girls: Lebanon

K-girl: Are you Lebanon?

Me: No, I am from Canada.

K-girl: ...

Me: ...

K-girl: ... Are you Lebanon?

Night Fishing in Jeju

After jointly devouring a large hamburger that shared the same dimensions as a medium sized pizza somewhere in the middle of Jeju, my two travel companions and I rushed towards the coastline of Korea's favourite island. We squeezed in a visit to see the perfectly hexagonal basalt formations formed by the cooling of liquid lava at Jungmun Beach, before continuing onwards in our rented car at a breakneck pace to a dock where a boat awaited to take us night fishing.

I was traveling with a Korean woman and an American man. The lady was the only one with a valid driving license so she had rented a car. The American and I could only hope for the best as we burned rubber across Jeju. We arrived at the secluded dock with minutes to spare before the launch took off. Prior to stepping onto the deck of our fishing vessel, we loaded up on some supplies to get us through the night - bait, fishing gloves, and some snacks. Several Korean vacationers also joined us on board.

As the sun set and darkness embraced us we sailed out into the open ocean along with a few other fishing vessels. We dropped anchor after we were an adequate distance out into open water and well spaced apart from the other potential night fishermen and women. The floodlights were turned on, illuminating the vessel and a small region around us. Luckily, no one on our boat felt sea sick so we could stay out longer than the other vessels.

A crew member showed me how to take the shrimp we were using as bait and attach it to the fish hook. It was a bit like threading a needle. On my first attempt I hooked my glove instead of the bait, and battled the fishing rod for a while until the crew member prevented me from becoming the first fisherman to catch himself with his own fishing rod. I soon became adept at the process and in no time was catching mackerel like there was no tomorrow. The fish would be yanked on to the ship, disengaged from the hook, and tossed into a bucket.

Mackerels are known for swimming near the surface and for easily being tricked into taking the bait. Their limited intellect makes them the ideal candidate for novice fishermen such as myself. My Korean friend caught the most fish, with the equally inexperienced American and I lagging far behind. The crew kindly cut and cleaned the fish for dinner. They even brought out a portable stove for us foreigners, as they were worried we would not be able to handle raw fish. I tried both the cooked and uncooked varieties, but preferred the raw one.

*****

The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope. ~ John Buchan

ARNABotoxed

Korean lady: I have friends who work as fashion models and they are always talking about their Botox injections.

Me: You have friends who are fashion models?

Korean lady: Don't worry. I will never introduce them to you!

Compliments of the Arnab

Korean lady: Why are you smiling?

Me: I am looking good.

Korean lady: Thank you!

After she walked away with a big grin on her face, I discussed the incident with a German guy who was in the vicinity.

Me: I said 'I am looking good' but she only heard 'looking good'.

German guy: Yes, I heard the entire conversation... but I didn't mention anything.

Me: Perhaps I should give more compliments.

German guy: Yes, you should.

The Alhambra

Quite possibly the premiere tourist attraction in Spain, the Alhambra is a millennium old citadel perched on the hills of Granada. Dramatically layered in between the snow-capped peaks of the Sierra Nevada mountain range and the city of Granada, it is sometimes hard to distinguish a photo of the Alhambra from a painting.

Built in the 9th century as a fort and later converted into a a royal palace by the Sultan of Granada, the complex was crafted according to Arab-Islamic architectural styles. Beautiful Arabesque decorations are inscribed on the walls of the palace, similar to those found etched on the Taj Mahal and other Mughal masterpieces in India.

The Muslim rulers tried to recreate paradise on Earth, with Moorish poets describing the Alhambra as a "pearl set in emeralds". Forests, gardens, mountains, and streams sublimely coexist with the man made structure. My princely figure blended in seamlessly with the environs. When Christians came to power in the Andalusian region of Spain, the fort was augmented with more European style buildings. These take a back seat to the impressive Islamic stylistic elements that dominate the design of the Alhambra grounds.

Heavily damaged over the centuries by man and nature alike, the Alhambra has been restored in modern times. After an uphill climb through the Alhambra Park at dawn, I entered the main square through the Gate of Judgment. Only a limited number of visitors are allowed in each day, with a specific time printed on the ticket specifying when the royal palace can be entered. The extensive Generalife gardens can be enjoyed at leisure afterwards.

*****

Don’t tell me how educated you are, tell me how much you traveled. ~ Mohammed

Conversations with K-girls: Home Run

Me: Would you like a coffee courtesy of Arnab?

K-girl: Can I go home instead?

Arnabian Nights

A cult classic in karaoke rooms across South Asia, the lyrics for the Arnabisized version of the song 'Arabian Nights' from Disney's Aladdin have thus far been passed down from generation to generation only orally. The lyrics are presented here in written form for the first time:

Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place 
Where the caravan camels roam 
Where they cut off your ear 
If they don't like your face 
It's barbaric, but hey, it's home 

When the wind's from the east 
And the sun's from the west 
And the sand in the glass is right 
Come on down 
Stop on by 
Hop a carpet and fly 
To another Arnabian night 

Arnabian nights 
Like Arnabian days 
More often than not 
Are hotter than hot 
In a lot of good ways 

There Is No Try

A Korean guy and I were discussing a K-girl who was a shared acquaintance.

Korean guy: She is different from other girls. She is willing to try everything once. That is her good quality.

Me: No... not everything.

Korean guy: Kkkkk. Everything but you!

The Moses Miracle - Jindo Sea Parting

Jindo is an island located off the south coast of the Korean peninsula. Connected by a bridge to the mainland, the island is a quiet unheralded place for most of the year until almost a half a million vibrantly attired elderly Korean, youthful Westerners pretending to be English teachers, and tourists descend upon on it to attend the annual Jindo Sea Parting Festival. The sea parting phenomena gained international fame in the mid-1970's after the then French ambassador proclaimed it Korea's version of the Biblical 'Moses Miracle'.

Some of the teachers donned faux Moses beards and carried a staff to complete the scene as they trudged across the 2.8 kilometre stretch of land that emerged from the sea, connecting Jindo to the even smaller island of Modo. A lot of people did not bother to walk across the whole way, preferring to stop and collect the seaweed, abalone, and starfish that surfaced once the sea floor was revealed.

The path only lasts for about an hour each day during the four days of the festival before the sea level rises to cover it up again, so there is heavy foot traffic that makes it a tough distance to cover in such a short time. As the clock ticked down, the waves rushed back in quickly with tremendous force. That is why many don vividly coloured knee high plastic boots to keep dry as they walk across the sea bed.

Although science has washed away the mysteries behind the magical sea parting, the tale behind the tidal harmonics remains enchanting. In the ancient days, many tigers were said to roam Jindo and feast on the delicious locals. Frightened villages fled to Modo for safety reasons, but an old grandmother was inadvertently left behind.

The old lady prayed to the mythical dragon king of the sea to be reunited with her family, who informed her a rainbow over the sea would connect her with her loved ones. Sure enough, her prayers were answered when the waters parted to reveal a rainbow-shaped pathway from Jindo to Modo. She rushed to her family. They met midway, with the exhausted but happy grannie breathing her last in the arms of her beloved family.

Apart from the sea parting phenomena, Jindo is also famous in Korea for its namesake breed of dogs. The Jindo dogs are heralded for their loyalty, intelligence, and courage. Protected under the auspices of Cultural Properties Protection Act and declared a national treasure, this particular breed of dog does not appear on Korean dinner tables. As I strolled through the back alleys of a Jindo neighbourhood, many yards had the dogs caged or tied up within them. They roamed about freely on the grounds of a Buddhist temple though, the look in their eye more wolfish than domesticated. I returned their gaze before continuing on my journey up a hill to get a panoramic view of Jindo.

*****

A sojourner have I become in a foreign land. ~ Moses

Car Comparison

One day I was walking through a car park containing an assortment of vehicles in Seoul with an American guy.

Me: I often ask Korean girls why they are so fixated on Hyundais or Kias (Korean guys) and BMWs (white guys), when they could aim higher for an exotic supercar like a Ferrari or Lamborghini (myself).

American guy: ... And that is why you don't get a second date.

A Kind Reminder from China

I had mentioned to a Chinese beauty how badly her Korean counterparts were treating me, so she supplied some gentle words to soothe my suffering:

"Girls...hmm, never a problem, if they don't like you, it's their lost! However, you do need to express yourself more than just showing your HTML code...not every girl get it...a kind reminder ;P"

Horsing Around in Jeju

After several action packed days in Jeju spent fishing in the open seas and climbing 2000 meter high mountains, my last day on the beautiful South Korean island was much more laid back. The morning was allotted to wandering part of the world's best network of lava tubes, the evening to relaxing on several beaches, and the night on locating some of Jeju's fabled horse meat.

The lava tubes were formed as rivers of fire cut conduits through the island, leaving behind a geological treasure that hosts a diverse range of rock formations. The kilometre long lava tube is dark, as tunnels tend to be, with water dripping from up above in many spots. Enough artificial lighting has been added to make the tunnel walkable, but a solid camera is still needed to get proper shots in the dark.

The first beach we visited had clear aquamarine water and gigantic jellyfish, but not much else. We had not had any lunch so we decided to find a less isolated beach with more dining options. As we waited patiently at the bus stop to get from one beach to another, a friendly local offered us a ride. His English was unexpectedly existent, so were able to engage in basic communication. He took us to our beach destination via a scenic coastal route rather than the main highway so we could enjoy the view. Behind us, Hallasan dominated the skyline. In front of us, the sun put on a spectacular show as it set.

Although not very keen on the prospect, my travel companions agreed to accompany me on a hunt for horse meat for dinner. After several false starts and dead ends, we finally made our way to a horse house on the other side of town from where we initially began our quest for equine flesh. My two travel companions were hesitant about ponying up too much cash for horse meat, especially after seeing the hefty price tag for all the items on the menu.

"Fetishes are expensive" grumbled my Dutch friend, shooting me a look of disapproval. We went for the basic course rather than the lavish spread proposed by the staff. We were the only customers in the restaurant, but were still ushered into a private room before we were served our night mare. The marinated horse meat was quite succulent, making for a memorable last supper in Jeju.

*****

"A lovely horse is always an experience... It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words." ~ Beryl Markham