Arnab and the Plastic Factory

In most parts of the world men shave their chins. In South Korea the girls do. The guys are permanently trapped in a state of prepubescence, so the most they can hope for is some peach fuzz. The girls are not looking to get rid of any stubble, but the chin itself. Those with prominent jawlines or rectangular shaped heads get them chiseled down into more elegant forms. Chin shaving is just one of the many surgical procedures that are prevalent in the most superficial society on the planet. Modifications that endow the girl with a more three dimensional appearance are also common, such as nose jobs and breast augmentations.

Due to the high demand for cosmetic surgery, clinics can be found with almost the same frequency as coffee shops and convenience stores. Gangnam proudly promotes itself as the capital of medical tourism, with affordable prices luring in many Chinese and Japanese women. Subway stations are plastered with surgery advertisements. When I first moved to Seoul I stayed at a hotel with an in-house surgery clinic on the second floor. A van with tinted windows ferried customers directly from airport to the hotel, where they could get altered and rest in their hotel room without ever having to step outside during their recovery period.

While a little nip and tuck might increase the perceived societal worth of K-girls, nothing short of a full body transplant would help the large majority of the male populace. Usually they accompany the beauties, paying for all their purchases with their meagre yet hard earned salaries or from the allowance they get from their parents. The guys seem more like comic relief than leading men, varying in range from stone-faced businessmen to slack-jawed halfwits dressed in tight garments harkening back to the court jesters of yore. Shockingly and painfully, the girls are still enamoured with these unremarkable men while completely avoiding the breathtaking spectacle that is the Indo-Canadian Temptation.

*****

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." ~ Galileo Galilei

Gentleman

The average Korean man lives with his parents until he has saved enough money for marriage, plays a lot of video games, spends a few years doing mandatory military service, avoids sitting beside me on subways, partakes in heavy drinking sessions with his buddies or colleagues, and occasionally dispenses solid relationship advice:

If you want just that she beat you

then you should keep annoying her

but if you want more than that

then you should treat her gently

Girls Day

I was having dinner with a Korean guy I had met while traveling in Wando. As we ate, the large screen TV inside the restaurant was showing the weekly countdown of the latest K-pop hits. When a idol group known as Girls Day started performing their latest single, every male head in the restaurant swivelled towards the screen. The girls were busy fiddling with their smart phones and hand mirrors, so they were blissfully unaware of the happenings around them.

Korean guy: Why you don't have Korean girlfriend?
Me: They are scared of me.
KG: Oh, really? Maybe they fraid to speak to you.
Me: Yes, and the ones that are not afraid don't like my style. Clothes, hair, skin, glasses. They complain about everything.
KG: But you looks like handsome.
Me: I know, but they don't realize it.

At this moment one of the effeminate boy groups was prancing about on the TV screen.

KG: You should dress like that.
Me: Never! I will not wear short tight pants and thick glasses without lenses, put on makeup, carry a large purse, or have the same haircut that everyone else does.
KG: But that is what Korean girls like.
Me: I won't dress like that. Also, they complain about my body hair.
KG: Girls especially hates your arm, chest, and leg hair.
Me: And my back hair.
KG: You have back hair!? You are beast.

Conversations with K-girls: New Years

Me: How was your new year's? 

K-girl: Same last years. I'll have to new.

Conversations with K-girls: Handsome Men

K-girl: Why are all American men sooo handsome?

Me: No, no, no. First of all, I am not an American. I am a Canadian and I am out of the ordinary. Not everyone is handsome. 

K-girl: But... all American men are so handsome.

Conversations with K-girls: Black Haired Boy

Beautiful 7-11 cashier: Where are you from?

Me: Canada.

7-11: But... brown... why?

Me: Why brown skin?

7-11: No... black hair, why? Canada people have brown hair.

Me: No, many different colours are possible. Blond hair, black hair, brown hair.

7-11: Oh.

Me: Happy new year.

7-11: Happy new year! Byeeeee. Kekekekekeke....

Conversations with K-girls: Pretty Good

K-girl: My English is awful. I hate English! You should learn Korean.

Me: Your English is pretty good.

K-girl: Pretty girl? Thank you.

Candid Camera

As an international heartthrob, it is not out of the ordinary when I am stopped on the street for a quick photo by people I do not know in places such as China and Korea. One day, I looked out my office window in Seoul and caught sight of a beautiful girl across the street. She was holding a camera, with the lens pointed in my general direction.

Me: Look! That girl is taking my picture.  

German colleague: Arnab, Arnab, Arnab. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with you?

Korean colleague: Or what is wrong with the girl?

Conversations with K-girls: Not on the Menu

The conversation with a Korean beauty began normally enough with the questions of where I come from and why do I look the way I do. Things looked promising when she reached for the menu from the bar counter. I thought she was looking for a drink to order, but several minutes passed by uneventfully. I asked what she was looking for, and she replied that she was just reading the menu.

The minute hand on the clock moved several more times. I was unsure of what was happening. Was she pretending to read the menu to avoid further interaction? Or was she just an excruciatingly slow reader since English was not her first language? The answer was made crystal clear when she put down the menu and walked away without even a goodbye.

*****

"Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer." - Mark Amend

You Don't Know Girls Still

Some people turn to their friends and family when they need help. Many search the Internet for answers. A few write letters to newspaper columnists. Others approach subject matter experts directly.  In my case this would mean Korean men. I explained my unfortunate situation to them:

"K-girls do not appreciate my jokes. Sarcasm flies over their beautifully sculpted heads. Teasing offends them. Regular conversation bores them. What should I talk to them about?"

The first Korean man I asked provided a weak response, greatly underestimating the brilliant minds to be found within their ravishing frames:

"Talk to them about something simple… like kimchi. Before making a joke, warn them that you are about to tell a joke."

The second Korean man I asked turned the question on its head, revealing his silent strategy for success:

"You don't know about girls still. Just hear what she say and drink a lot. Save your word. Just show your smile and generous emotion. Then she want to lean to you. Girls like to talk everything, so just hear what she say and understand her and hug her and kiss and go to motel. Game end!"

*****

"Challenges are what makes life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful" - J. Marine

The Superficial

Korean man: Was it just your opinion?

Me: What was my opinion?

Korean man: That you are best guy in the room.

Me: No, it's a fact... but if you can show me a Korean guy who is my age with 8 years work experience  spread across 4 different countries, who can understand parts of 6 languages, has been to 30 countries, has helped children in India, is technically gifted, a brilliant writer, smart, handsome, funny, responsible, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink much, doesn't visit prostitutes, cooks, doesn't beat girls, and with high earning potential, then you can get back to me.

Korean man: Kekeke*. I already knew that how smart you are, but you always ignore about that style is very important to Korean girls.

Me: They should look at the substance and character of a man.

Korean man: But you are same. At that first meet, you always check girls appearance. That is same.

* The onomatopoeic representation of Korean laughter (ㅋㅋㅋ)

Conversations With K-girls: Not Working

Although more interrogation than conversation due to the language barrier, engaging in dialogue with a Korean beauty is always a memorable experience.

Me: What did you study in university?
K-girl: Mathematics.
Me: Where do you work?
K-girl: I work Monday to Friday. Not tonight.

*****

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."  - Nelson Mandela

ARNABabe: Lost in Translation

Several Korean guys had spent a couple of hours coaching me how to say "What is your phone number?" in the local tongue. The phrase was many syllables long so I had a tough time memorizing it. Putting my new found knowledge into practice, I was able to successfully secure the digits of a stunning Seoul beauty despite committing some major blunders.

Me: Jonhabonhogamoeiyo?
Beauty: Do you even know my name?
Me: No. Do you know mine?
Beauty: Arnab.
Me: Oh...

Her voice was so melodious I had failed to capture the meaning behind the sounds she was making when she was first introducing herself. I gave her my phone and she dialed her number. For the follow up a few days later, I used a non verbal and harmless text message to query whether she was free for dinner.

She was grossly offended that I had offered her free dinner as "Korean girls are not so cheap". This time the miscommunication could be attributed to the language barrier. Tragically, the story came to a premature end before we could become Seoul-mates.

*****

"To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time." - Cornelia Otis Skinner

Seoul Metro

The Seoul Metropolitan Subway is the world's fourth largest commuter network, carrying 4 million passengers per day. The stations are bustling hives of activity, with food, toilet, and shopping venues readily available. Excruciatingly long transfers between different lines at the same station are not as convenient, designed as a mechanism to keep the general populace in top top shape. Vibrant ads and thoughtful poetry adorn the platform, and television screens feature entertaining lessons on how to behave at the station and on the train. The metro functions as a petri dish to examine modern day Korean culture, from etiquette to fashion.

Once aboard, a first time rider will notice that there are reserved seats for old people and pregnant women which no able bodied person will sit in. These seats are even empty in a packed train during rush hour or late night when there are no oldsters or baby mamas in sight, as decorum must be maintained at all times in Korea. Looks of scorn are projected at those selfish enough to sit down on these without being infirm or impregnated. If the phone must be used to make a call, then the conversation is carried out in a hushed tone with one hand politely covering the mouth.

Riding the Bombay locals was an exhilarating experience, but the primary excitement was in getting on and off a moving train. The ride itself was not very fun. The Seoul Metro is breathtaking while on board, particularly as spring turns to summer. Beautiful short skirted passengers sitting on the train carefully avoid reenacting Sharon Stone's famous scene from Fatal Attraction. They are absorbed in their own worlds, applying makeup or playing on their smart phones. Only an occasional shy glance is given to the Indo-Canadian Temptation. The women are not the only fashionable commuters in transit. Their stylish male counterparts all dress alike, the combination of their skinny hairless bodies and tight shorts and shirts giving them the appearance of ball boys at a tennis match.

Surgeon General's Warning

South Koreans annually top the international rankings of the most surgically enhanced people per capita, with approximately one in five ladies having gone under the knife to get some upgrades. This still leaves a lot of natural beauties around, as every other girl walking in high heels and short skirts down a street in Seoul on a Friday night looks like a contestant from the Korea's Next Top Model reality show.

Pretty much every Chinese person had an identical reaction when I told them I was moving to Korea. They told me to be careful about a nation of artificial beauties, although I usually cannot tell who has been modified. The message from one Chinese girl sufficiently summarizes their concerns for my well being:

Don’t get a korea girl~ they have fake face!!!!horrible!

Hahahhahahaha!

Korean girl has fake nose,fake cheek，fake lip，and fake boob and ass~ don’t touch it！
They will treat you very nice with their fake body~
Enjoy it~~hahahahahha！！！！！！！！！！！
Maybe，when you kiss，her lip collapse~~~~~~~wow hu~ that will be very ugly~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do not do the plastic surgery！！！ It is popular in korea,but you just wanna Hold on！

The good thing you head off to that country is：you will be the NO.1 cute guy in the country，coz ，u know，they don’t have handsome guy ~~

Sadly, the Seoul sirens seem to have gotten a similar memo warning them to avoid me.

Words of Encouragement

A Chinese girl was inquiring about the status of the Indo-Canadian Temptation in Korea.

Chinese girl: Hi sen sen. How r you? did you got a new gf? 

Me: No gf yet. A few failed attempts so far, but they were entertaining. Most are afraid of me and run away.

Chinese girl: HA~~~~LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT,U DON’T GET ANY ONE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~U  SUCK~

Not Interested

The elevator in my office building in Beijing was packed with the lunch crowd. Among the occupants was a friendly man who worked in an adjacent office and his cute colleague who was friendly to all but one.

Friendly man: Where are you going for lunch?
Me: The Place.
Friendly man: Which place?
Me: The Place. You know...the shopping center.
Friendly man: Oh, I see.
Me: Do you guys want to join?

The friendly man conferred with his cute colleague while the rest of the elevator riders eagerly awaited her response.

Friendly man: She is not interested.
Me: In the Place? Or in me?
Friendly man: Both.

The elevator audience chuckled in unison.

Misunderstand

Me: You are dressed nicely today.
Wide eyed Chinese beauty: You means usually I dressed ugly?
Me: Umm... I mean even better than usual. Is it because you want to have dinner with me tonight?
Wide eyed Chinese beauty: No. Misunderstand.

Shanghai Tang

Shanghai Tang revealed its Spring Summer Collection for 2011 in Beijing's Honglingjin Park. Despite its moniker, Shanghai Tang was actually founded in Hong Kong in 1994. I had received an invite to the launch celebration being held by the "global ambassador of contemporary Chinese chic" from my good friend Swathish. We were welcome additions to China's fashion scene, posing on the red carpet as photographers clicked away.

My favourite Chinese bombshells were in attendance, including actress Fan Bing Bing and MTV China VJ Zhu Zhu. Fan Bing Bing and I made eye contact for a moment. Time froze and a lifetime together was imagined in that split second. I had first seen the captivating Zhu Zhu hosting an event at the Sanlitun Village in my early days in China, and did not expect our paths would cross again. Zhu Zhu interviewed Fan Bing Bing. After regaining consciousness, I went to get a drink.

After cocktails were served, the guests were ushered to seats near the stage. The actual fashion show portion of the gala was over in a flash. One model was indistinguishable from the next, presumably so the clothes could stand out and grab the attention of the trendsetters in the audience. The models strutted to the front of the catwalk, jutted out their bony hips, swivelled, and returned backstage. Even though a warm weather collection was being revealed, Beijing in March is still quite chilly. I empathized with the plight of the scantily clad beauties that stiffly patrolled the catwalk, understanding why they had broken neither sweat or smile.

*****

“Fashions fade, style is eternal.” - Yves Saint Laurent

Inside the Mind of a Chinese Woman

Although love can never be broken down logically into a set of discrete and measurable characteristics, a noble scientist nonetheless attempts to do so after using himself as a guinea pig for the experiments. The ideal man in the mind of an Indian mother had been studied previously, but the intricacies of the Chinese female brain are an altogether different matter.

1) Categories

Let us begin with ten distinct traits a beautiful Chinese woman would find desirable or undesirable in a man.

Desirable: Is he Chinese, funny, handsome, honest, hygienic, kind, rich, smart, and well-mannered?
Undesirable: Is he scary?

2) Test candidates

Two archetypes, the Indo-Canadian Temptation and the Rich Chinese Guy, will act as the objects of desire on whom the experiment will be performed.

3) Scoring mechanism

The two candidates will be given scores of 1 or 0 for each trait, with 1 going to the man who wins that category. No ties will be accepted, so each category will have a clear winner. If neither candidate merits a win in a particular category, there shall still be a loser. Scores of 0 and -1 will be given with the stronger, though still weak, candidate getting a 0 in this scenario.

4) Test Data

After sorting through real world data, the results were compiled. The Indo-Canadian Temptation secured 7 categories, while 3 were claimed by the Rich Chinese Guy.

Exhibit 1 - Raw Data



4) Weighting

Now that we know who the participants are, the characteristics that will be measured, and the ranking methodology to be used, only one other variable remains. The relative importance of each characteristic must be determined. A weighting must be assigned to see how much impact each trait has in winning a beautiful Chinese girl's heart.

Two tables are henceforth displayed. The first shows the results if an equal weighting is given to all categories. The second shows the results with weightings matching the importance of each trait.

Exhibit 2 - Equal Weighting



As expected, the Indo-Canadian Temptation's strength and consistency across most categories allows him to win the girl's heart with a score of 30. The Rich Chinese Guy hangs his head in shame with a -10 performance.

Exhibit 3 - Relative Weighting



When relative weighting is used according to the preferences of a Chinese girl the Rich Chinese Guy scores an unbeatable 80 by putting all his eggs into the highly weighted baskets of being rich and Chinese. Despite dominating 7 of 10 categories, the Indo-Canadian Temptation falls short of his goal with a lousy -20 rating.

5) Analysis


Exhibit 4 - Average Score and Margin of Victory



When an average of these two measures is taken, the Rich Chinese Guy still comes out on top 2-1. He also has a larger margin of victory over his opponent when he wins. At first glance, the equally weighted index seems to indicate a landslide victory for the Indo-Canadian Temptation based on his across the board excellence. Further investigation reveals that their are some hidden variables that have to be taken into consideration. This tilts the game of love heavily in favour of the Rich Chinese Guy. Although the Indo-Canadian Temptation has delved inside the mind of a beautiful Chinese girl, he still remains outside of her heart.

*****

“He who studies books alone will know how things ought to be, and he who studies men will know how they are.” — Charles Caleb Colton