Bragging Rights

Me: This paragraph so easy to understand.

Korean girl: Nooooooo. Don't say that! English is not our mother tongue.

Me: It's not mine either.

Korean girl: Really? Oh.. it's Indian?

Me: Yes, first I learnt Bengali and then English. Also some French in school, and some Hindi in India, some Chinese, and some Korean. So Korean is actually the sixth language I understand a bit of.

Korean girl: Stop bragging!!

Me: I also look good both with and without a beard.

Korean girl: Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Seoul Motor Show 2013

In China, the auto show rotates between Shanghai and Beijing every other year. The biennial policy is also in place in South Korea, where the motor show oscillates between Seoul and Busan. Last year I dropped by Busan for the showcase event, but this year I did not have to venture as far. The Seoul version of the event is held in the neighbouring city of Ilsan, in the same convention grounds that the Sensation concert took place in.

Once I entered the hall and looked around, I was at a loss for words. As tradition dictates, I dropped by the BMW booth and relaxed for a while. Being an admirer of beauty in all its forms, I could not help but recollect one of my favourite poems composed by William Wordsworth as I lounged in the VIP area - The Daffodils:

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed--and gazed--but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils. 

Arnab and the Plastic Factory

In most parts of the world men shave their chins. In South Korea the girls do. The guys are permanently trapped in a state of prepubescence, so the most they can hope for is some peach fuzz. The girls are not looking to get rid of any stubble, but the chin itself. Those with prominent jawlines or rectangular shaped heads get them chiseled down into more elegant forms. Chin shaving is just one of the many surgical procedures that are prevalent in the most superficial society on the planet. Modifications that endow the girl with a more three dimensional appearance are also common, such as nose jobs and breast augmentations.

Due to the high demand for cosmetic surgery, clinics can be found with almost the same frequency as coffee shops and convenience stores. Gangnam proudly promotes itself as the capital of medical tourism, with affordable prices luring in many Chinese and Japanese women. Subway stations are plastered with surgery advertisements. When I first moved to Seoul I stayed at a hotel with an in-house surgery clinic on the second floor. A van with tinted windows ferried customers directly from airport to the hotel, where they could get altered and rest in their hotel room without ever having to step outside during their recovery period.

While a little nip and tuck might increase the perceived societal worth of K-girls, nothing short of a full body transplant would help the large majority of the male populace. Usually they accompany the beauties, paying for all their purchases with their meagre yet hard earned salaries or from the allowance they get from their parents. The guys seem more like comic relief than leading men, varying in range from stone-faced businessmen to slack-jawed halfwits dressed in tight garments harkening back to the court jesters of yore. Shockingly and painfully, the girls are still enamoured with these unremarkable men while completely avoiding the breathtaking spectacle that is the Indo-Canadian Temptation.

*****

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." ~ Galileo Galilei

Gentleman

The average Korean man lives with his parents until he has saved enough money for marriage, plays a lot of video games, spends a few years doing mandatory military service, avoids sitting beside me on subways, partakes in heavy drinking sessions with his buddies or colleagues, and occasionally dispenses solid relationship advice:

If you want just that she beat you

then you should keep annoying her

but if you want more than that

then you should treat her gently

A Mean Looking Booger

Regardless of language, religion, age, income, or intellectual capability, men from all over the world always have at least one topic of shared interest. One fine spring day, a Korean man and I were discussing a specific subset of this fascinating subject. 

Korean man: I think if she makeup perfectly and dress up then she will be more beautiful.  

Me: Yes, if she dresses up and covers her pimples she will be quite nice. I see a booger in her left nose hole though. 

Korean man: What is booger? "Arnab is a mean looking booger" - is it right? 

Me: No, that is bugger. Booger is a dried piece of snot. It is the thing you find when you pick your nose. 

Korean man: Ahh, I see.

Battlefield Korea

Some of my friends across the world have inquired about the current scenario in the war zone that is the Korean Peninsula. So far life goes on as usual, although the Canadian Embassy did issue a special bulletin about the tense situation:

The Government of Canada's travel advice for the Republic of Korea remains "Exercise normal security precautions". However, we advise Canadians to continue to monitor developments closely as tensions on the Korean Peninsula could escalate with little warning. 

Tensions have increased on the Korean peninsula as a result of North Korea's ongoing nuclear weapons development program. In April and December 2012, North Korea attempted to launch two missiles into orbit, and on February 12, 2013, performed a nuclear weapon test. Additional tests cannot be ruled out. On March 11, 2013, North Korea issued a statement declaring that the Korean Armistice Agreement is invalid. While past threats made by the North to nullify this agreement have gone unfulfilled, further provocative action could occur. Canadians in the Republic of Korea should be vigilant, monitor developments and follow the advice of local authorities.

South Koreans are astonishingly nonchalant about the possibility of being annihilated by the North. Most folks continue to spend their days absorbed by their smartphones, labouring for long hours at the office, reconstructing their facial features, or playing video games. This situation has been playing out for sixty years, so it has become background noise for the citizens of the South. Worrying about the daily trivialities of life already takes up all their waking hours, leaving little room for thought about the larger issues that affect us all.

Smartphone Envy

Me: It's Korean and very small.

American guy: Wait a minute… are we still talking about your phone?  

In the conformist Republic of Korea, citizens judge each other based on their appearance and possessions. Having the latest smartphone model is one such status marker. Many halfwits with low paying jobs or beauties with no discernable occupations can be seen walking around with the latest iPhone or Samsung Galaxy S flagship model in hand. My underpowered phone is not even available for sale in Korea and looked upon with scorn by the masses.

Ulsan and the Might of Hyundai

The port city of Ulsan hugs the coastline near Busan on the southeast shores of Korea. Hyundai's engineering might is on full display here, with both the world's largest car manufacturing factory and shipbuilding yard located within the city limits. With a population of just over a million well off inhabitants, Ulsan is easily South Korea's richest city based on GDP per capita.

Hyundai is among the handful of chaebols (conglomerates) that unofficially rule South Korea since its transition from a dictatorship to a democracy. Hyundai is involved in manufacturing cars and ships, operating department stores, and undertaking large civil engineering projects. During the Asian economic crisis of 1997, the Hyundai Group was broken up into several smaller, but still huge, chunks. Although separate legal entities now, control remains largely in the hands of a few family members of Hyundai's founding father Chung Ju Yung.

Despite the heavy industry that brings Ulsan its wealth, the the coastal waters have a pleasant hue. At the Daewangam Songnim park the coastline is characterized by jagged cliffs rising steeply from the waters, covered by a sprinkling of pine trees. Old men are precariously perched among various crags, fishing rods in hand. They are there to escape the constant nagging of their wives, and any fish they catch is just a spillover benefit of the carefree time spent away from home.

A Korean friend of mine lives in Ulsan, so I stay over at his place and enjoy a few meals with his family. A hearty breakfast is prepared by his mother, and lunch is at a neighbourhood diner that provides a significant amount of side dishes. At night we devour some pork belly at a Korean barbecue house and explore the university area. The city is famed for its whale meat, but I did not get my hands on any.

*****

"To reach a port, we must sail - sail, not tie at anchor - sail, not drift." - 

Franklin D. Roosevelt 

Girls Day

I was having dinner with a Korean guy I had met while traveling in Wando. As we ate, the large screen TV inside the restaurant was showing the weekly countdown of the latest K-pop hits. When a idol group known as Girls Day started performing their latest single, every male head in the restaurant swivelled towards the screen. The girls were busy fiddling with their smart phones and hand mirrors, so they were blissfully unaware of the happenings around them.

Korean guy: Why you don't have Korean girlfriend?
Me: They are scared of me.
KG: Oh, really? Maybe they fraid to speak to you.
Me: Yes, and the ones that are not afraid don't like my style. Clothes, hair, skin, glasses. They complain about everything.
KG: But you looks like handsome.
Me: I know, but they don't realize it.

At this moment one of the effeminate boy groups was prancing about on the TV screen.

KG: You should dress like that.
Me: Never! I will not wear short tight pants and thick glasses without lenses, put on makeup, carry a large purse, or have the same haircut that everyone else does.
KG: But that is what Korean girls like.
Me: I won't dress like that. Also, they complain about my body hair.
KG: Girls especially hates your arm, chest, and leg hair.
Me: And my back hair.
KG: You have back hair!? You are beast.

Seoul's Symphony of Fire

Each year, the city of Seoul hosts an international fireworks competition on the banks of the Han River. Similar to Vancouver's Celebration of Light, massive crowds gather to see several countries present pyrotechnics demonstrations choreographed to a musical score. A winner is announced at the end, but by then most of the crowd has dispersed and begun making their way to the nearest subway station.

With hundreds of thousands in attendance, it is a nice chance to see a cross section of the entire society in one place. Families and oldsters arrive hours in advance, setting up their picnic mats and relaxing by the river all day. There is barely any room to manoeuvre, as the whole river bank is covered by tarps, people, and bottles of soju.

As night approaches, couples and groups arrive and stand in front of the picnic crowd so that they can enjoy unrestricted views of the fireworks bonanza. The sitters loudly complain about the standees who have arrived after them and are now blocking their much anticipated view. By and large, their gripes are ignored even after they start chanting "Sit down! Sit down!" or the Korean equivalent.

The journey to get to Yeouido, the island in the middle of the city from where the fireworks can best be viewed, is a spectacle that parallels the actual fireworks extravaganza in entertainment value.  The subway is packed tighter than a Korean male into his skinny jeans. I had to transfer from one subway line to another to get to Yeoudio, but even the transfer station was extremely congested.

I circumvented the lineup by going one extra station in the opposing direction, and then crossing back onto a train heading in the correct direction there. At the destination station, bodies poured out of the subway and slowly bubbled to the surface from its subterranean depths. Wave after wave of black haired heads poured out the exits of the station, greeted by their first fireworks of the night.

*****

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

- "Firework" by Katy Perry

Haves and Have Nots

Korean guy: Learning Korean is easy.

Me: It seems tough.

Korean guy: No, it's easy. For example, issoyo (있어요) means have and opsoyo (없어요) means don't have.

Me: That's hard to remember.

Korean guy: No, it's not. If a beauty girl says to you "Do you have some time?", what do you say?

Me: Issoyo.

Korean guy: And if ugly girl says "Do you have some time?", what do you say?

Me: Opsoyo!

Korean guy: See, it's easy.

A Walk with the Stars

The Korea Tourism Organization (KTO) arranged a K-pop concert and walking tour for foreigners, suitably entitled "A Walk With the Stars". With 10 million international tourists estimated to make their way to Korea for the first time in a calendar year, there was certainly cause for celebration. The primary draws were two splendidly gifted girl groups - Sistar and 9 Muses.

K-pop is a major cultural export for South Korea, particularly in East Asia. Most of the fans in attendance were excitable young women from this region, possibly with serious self-esteem issues. Promising artists are plucked from their families at a very young age, and undergo a rigorous training and dieting regimen for many years as they are formed into a product with mass market appeal.

The output is as artificial, and as beguilingly addictive, as the women who regale the upscale coffee shops of Seoul. The tunes are catchy and the music videos are slick. The whole K-pop industry is heavily promoted by several large entertainment companies such as JYP and SM, with ample support from the government as it seeks to spread Korea's soft power around the globe.

The day was scheduled to begin with a walk around Seoul's Olympic Park and end with a concert. There was a slight delay as 9 Muses needed a bit longer than anticipated to get ready. As soon as the K-pop stars arrived on the scene, otherworldly shrieks emanated from the audience. A small stampede took place as the fans battled to get near the stars. The idols had a security detail to protect them from their manic devotees.

The walk lasted all of five minutes. The mob was hot on the heels of the stars, following them to the parking lot and then gathering beside the concert stage soon thereafter. Sistar and 9 Muses got back into the van that had transported them to the venue. I could not tell the male stars apart from regular Korean boys, so I had no idea about their whereabouts.

The emcee came out on stage, confused as to why everyone was already back when the concert was only scheduled to start in a couple of hours. He announced that the walking route was much longer - around the park and not just around the parking lot. The crowd made their way around the actual circuit for the next few hours. Sistar and 9 Muses were were worth the wait.

A special treat awaited those who had tolerated the performances of several androgynous boy bands that followed the enchanting audiovisual talents of Sistar and 9 Muses. Little Psy, the child who appears beside adult Psy in the viral hit "Gangnam Style", made his way on stage as a surprise guest. His dance moves wowed the audience. There were howls of delight as he took off his jacket and threw it into the crowd to end the concert.

*****

"Men profess to be lovers of music, but for the most part they give no evidence in their opinions and lives that they have heard it." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Conversations with K-girls: New Years

Me: How was your new year's? 

K-girl: Same last years. I'll have to new.

Wandering Wando

Around new years time, the temperatures in Seoul hovered around -17 degrees celcius. I tried to escape the cold front by going as far down the peninsula as possible on land. I took a six hour bus ride to Wando, which is an island near Jeju connected to the mainland by a bridge. On the first day the weather was about 10-15 degrees warmer, but by the second day the temperature nosedived and along came the snow. On the way back to Seoul, I saw that the entire country was covered in the white powder.

I sat beside an ajumma on the bus. Ajummas are older married women who have developed a tough skin due to the hardships of life and having to tolerate living with Korean men. They often have frizzy hair. Their hobbies include hiking in colourful clothing and elbowing fellow passengers on the subway. Despite their fearsome reputation, the ajumma on the bus was very friendly. She kept me well fed with corn, oranges, and other food stuffs during the duration of the journey.

After arriving at the bus terminal in Wando, I started walking in the general direction of the seaside. A young man spotted my meandering ways, and asked in English whether I need any assistance. He was a university student, back in his hometown to visit his parents for a couple of weeks. Despite being around my age, he seemed to have no inclination to work. He mentioned after graduation he wanted to spend a year in Japan to study the language.

We walked to the port of Wando where I checked in at a hotel on the main strip. He asked for a room with a view, so I could see the whole coastline from my balcony. Right in front of me was Judo, a famous islet packed densely with evergreen foliage as the Joseon kings had forbidden deforestation on that island through the centuries.

I was in the mood for seafood, so the hotelier suggested a visit to the local fish market and told us the stall number where his relative worked. The waters around Wando are exceptionally clean. 90% of the abalone and 80% of the seaweed in South Korea come from this place. After picking up some fish from the market, I ate some sashimi. The Korean guy had already had lunch, so we enjoyed a beer before he went on his way and I went on mine.

I headed up the hill to Wando tower, from where I could admire panoramic views of the coastline and the many islands dotting the horizon. The outline of Jeju was visible in the distance. After losing my path, I asked a group of girls for directions to the tower. They repeated what I said slowly, blushed, and then giggled uproariously as if I had just said the funniest joke in the world. No directions were provided.

The next day I spent exploring the rest of the island, stopping at a beach and a drama set. I was the only person at Gugyedeung, a pebble covered beach that had formerly been enjoyed by Korean royalty. The tide has left behind nine tiers of rocks over ten thousand years. One of Korea's original drama sets, Changpogo is a recreation of an ancient village that was used as the backdrop for many television and film serials, none of which I have seen.

Conversations with K-girls: Handsome Men

K-girl: Why are all American men sooo handsome?

Me: No, no, no. First of all, I am not an American. I am a Canadian and I am out of the ordinary. Not everyone is handsome. 

K-girl: But... all American men are so handsome.

Conversations with K-girls: Black Haired Boy

Beautiful 7-11 cashier: Where are you from?

Me: Canada.

7-11: But... brown... why?

Me: Why brown skin?

7-11: No... black hair, why? Canada people have brown hair.

Me: No, many different colours are possible. Blond hair, black hair, brown hair.

7-11: Oh.

Me: Happy new year.

7-11: Happy new year! Byeeeee. Kekekekekeke....

Conversations with K-girls: Pretty Good

K-girl: My English is awful. I hate English! You should learn Korean.

Me: Your English is pretty good.

K-girl: Pretty girl? Thank you.

Candid Camera

As an international heartthrob, it is not out of the ordinary when I am stopped on the street for a quick photo by people I do not know in places such as China and Korea. One day, I looked out my office window in Seoul and caught sight of a beautiful girl across the street. She was holding a camera, with the lens pointed in my general direction.

Me: Look! That girl is taking my picture.  

German colleague: Arnab, Arnab, Arnab. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with you?

Korean colleague: Or what is wrong with the girl?

Conversations with K-girls: Not on the Menu

The conversation with a Korean beauty began normally enough with the questions of where I come from and why do I look the way I do. Things looked promising when she reached for the menu from the bar counter. I thought she was looking for a drink to order, but several minutes passed by uneventfully. I asked what she was looking for, and she replied that she was just reading the menu.

The minute hand on the clock moved several more times. I was unsure of what was happening. Was she pretending to read the menu to avoid further interaction? Or was she just an excruciatingly slow reader since English was not her first language? The answer was made crystal clear when she put down the menu and walked away without even a goodbye.

*****

"Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer." - Mark Amend

You Don't Know Girls Still

Some people turn to their friends and family when they need help. Many search the Internet for answers. A few write letters to newspaper columnists. Others approach subject matter experts directly.  In my case this would mean Korean men. I explained my unfortunate situation to them:

"K-girls do not appreciate my jokes. Sarcasm flies over their beautifully sculpted heads. Teasing offends them. Regular conversation bores them. What should I talk to them about?"

The first Korean man I asked provided a weak response, greatly underestimating the brilliant minds to be found within their ravishing frames:

"Talk to them about something simple… like kimchi. Before making a joke, warn them that you are about to tell a joke."

The second Korean man I asked turned the question on its head, revealing his silent strategy for success:

"You don't know about girls still. Just hear what she say and drink a lot. Save your word. Just show your smile and generous emotion. Then she want to lean to you. Girls like to talk everything, so just hear what she say and understand her and hug her and kiss and go to motel. Game end!"

*****

"Challenges are what makes life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful" - J. Marine