Dumb Bus, Smart Bus, Empty Bus

In Beijing it is not an uncommon sight to see a caravan of identically numbered buses arrive at a bus stop one after the other. For example, bus #31 will be immediately followed by another bus #31 and yet another bus #31. This is often followed by a very long wait until the next cluster of buses arrive.

Each bus departs their starting point at regularly scheduled intervals, say every 10 minutes. At the first stop the mass of transit users converge on the first bus and try to get on board before everyone else. The pushing and shoving lasts approximately 1-3 minutes. Traffic also moves at an Arnab's pace in Beijing. During this time, the second bus on the same route has left the bus station and is now only around 10 minutes behind. Repeat this pattern a couple of more times, and by the second or third stop on the route the two buses are together. Another one to two stops later, all three buses will be within striking distance of each other. The cycle repeats after every 3 buses since by then another huge group of riders has gathered at the bus stop.

The swarm that enters the first bus leaves it packed to the brim. People are squashed against the windows and doors. All the seats on the second bus fill up quickly, but there is room to comfortably stand for the stragglers. The third bus obligatorily stops at each designated spot, but since 95% of the passengers have already boarded one of the two previous buses that arrived in the past minute it is left mostly empty. It is difficult to predict the change in arrival times that would take place if ridership was evenly distributed amongst the three buses, but at the very least the ride would be a lot more comfortable for most people.

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"I'd rather go by bus." - Prince Charles

Hockey Morning in China

Hockey Night in Canada is a national institution. Every Saturday night, millions of hockey fans gather around their TV sets to watch the action on the ice and listen to a belligerent Don Cherry rant on Coach's Corner during the intermissions. As China is half a day ahead of Canada, I had the chance to catch a few of Vancouver's playoff games live the following morning. The Irish Volunteer, a pub in Beijing, was showing the games on TV using Slingbox video streaming technology. I watched the final two losses of Vancouver's season as they were eliminated by Chicago in 6 games after blowing a 2-1 series lead.

Vancouver's National Hockey League (NHL) team is called the Canucks. 'Canuck' is slang for 'Canadian'. The professional hockey team has a storied history of losing since it joined the league in 1970 as an expansion franchise. It has twice reached the Stanley Cup finals, but failed to secure a championship on either trip. The Stanley Cup is the most difficult sporting competition in the world. Four rugged rounds of best-of-7 series are played over a two month span, with the athletes playing through a myriad of injuries (broken bones, cracked ribs, concussions, etc.) for a chance to lift Lord Stanley's Cup. Power, skill, teamwork, and determination are demonstrated by the players of the coolest game on Earth on a nightly basis.

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Canadian Guy #1: I cannot believe that you didn't bring your hockey gear with you when you came to China!
Canadian Guy #2: My luggage had weight restrictions.
Canadian Guy #1: You could have left your wife at home then.

Lonely Planet

After my presentation at Peking University concluded and before my Q&A period had commenced, I had been instructed by the organizers to ask the audience a trivia question related to my speech to make sure they had been following what I had been mumbling.

In true Slumdog Millionaire style, I provided four multiple choice options. Many hands went up in the crowd. I selected one eager individual and he answered my question correctly. One of the event organizers came up to me and handed me a Lonely Planet travel guide. The chap who had correctly answered my query ran up to me and vigorously shook my hand. I reciprocated before waving to the adoring audience and walking off the podium.

They immediately burst into laughter.

The Lonely Planet book was actually the prize for the person who was first to answer my question properly. I handed the book to my hand shaker, who was still waiting on stage to collect his reward. A female fan later told me that I had a severe case of the ARNABlushes during the incident, with my ears turning bright red.

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"The world, I found, has a way of taking a man pretty much at his own rating. If he permits his loss to make him embarrassed and apologetic, he will draw embarrassment from others. But if he gains his own respect, the respect of those around him comes easily." - Alexander de Seversky

Q and A

After my speech at Peking University concluded I ate Indian food with chopsticks for the first time. A newly opened Indian restaurant in the student area had generously provided dinner to all the attendees of the seminar. After finishing my meal and posing for a few photographs, I was rushed back on stage. It was time to answer some questions from the audience. The Q&A portion of my inaugural lecture at an institute of higher education drew great interest.

1. What is the religious composition of India?

The computational knowledge engine known as Wolfram Alpha spit out the following facts:

80.5% Hindu       
13.4% Muslim                                          
2.3% Christian
1.9% Sikh
1.9% Others (Buddhist, Jain, etc.)

They were in line with the estimates provided by myself using the computational knowledge engine known as the ARNABrain.

2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)

Yes, there are many cows to be found on the streets of India. Delhi is supposed to have at least 40,000 holy cows wandering its streets alone. The blessed bovines are revered by Hindus, so they are free to roam the roads unharmed. 

3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

This was the toughest question of the bunch, warranting further investigation. I muttered a convulated answer about how China has much greater infrastructure than India and equivalent educational instituitions, but is severely lagging behind in English language skills and in the free flow of information and knowledge that is continually transferred between India and the West.

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“He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.” -  Voltaire

Speaking at Peking

I was invited to give a speech at Peking University, following a long line of accomplished orators such as Bill Clinton and Tony Blair. Consistently positioned at the top of China's university rankings, Peking University draws the brightest minds in the nation. There were four speakers including myself, each responsible for discussing a different geographical region of India. I gave an overview of my time living, working, and traveling in South India. I focused on my time in Bangalore and Hyderabad, briefly touching on trips to Kerala and Pondicherry.

The audience was made up mostly of Chinese students who gave me their complete attention. They were captivated by my delivery and awed by my gravitas. After my speech concluded and the applause died down, I was asked several intriguing questions by the audience members:

1. What is the religious composition of India?
2. Are there really cows on the street? (The girl asking this warned me beforehand that it would be a "cute" question.)
3. Why does India have significantly more developed IT and bio tech sectors than China?

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"We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study." - Gandhi

How Cute

Many foreigners come to China to cash in on the highly lucrative English teaching industry, charging exorbitant hourly rates to teach a language that they themselves may or may not be fluent in. I had no such aspirations and offered my services free of charge, providing my coworkers with tips on the correct usage of words and their meanings. Somehow my female colleagues at Force Research ended up with the misconception that the word "cute" meant intelligent. As a result, whenever I did something clever (which was not a rare occurrence) they would tell me how cute I was.

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"You so cute." - Chinese girl

ARNABungee: Notice to Jumping

Long Qing Xia is a scenic area located 90km away from Beijing. The Long Qing gorge hosted my first ever bungee jump. Before I leaped into the unknown, I pored over the warning notice that was posted near the entrance.

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Jumping down from the jumping platform is a real challenge to people of the world nowadays. It is also the bravers' enjoyment. Anyone who will join in this activity must pay attention to the following:

1. People who suffer hypertension, heart disease and mental disease are forbidden. The pregnant women and the people who drink are also not allowed to join in the activity.

2. If children under 18 want to join in it, they must have the guardians sign.

3. The jumpers must do everything under the conduct of the workers. Don't have fun or play in the public space of entertainment. Don't damage any facilities.

4. While doing jumping, one mustn't take your valuables or anything easy to drop with you.

5. Admission by ticket only. One has a ticket. The ticket that is sold can't be returned or exchange with others.

6. If anyone hesitates about jumping on the jumping platform beyond three minutes, he or she is considered to waive the right to jump.

Lost Wallet

I awoke on a sunny Saturday afternoon and got ready to do some sightseeing in Beijing. I locked the door to my room and put the keys in my pocket. Something was awry. Several denominations of Chinese currency (RMB) were in my pocket. My trusty phone was there also. So was my transit pass. Assorted pieces of lint were also present. But my wallet was missing!

I looked around my room, which was as spic and span as a country man. My wallet was AWOL. I expanded my search to all corners of my apartment, going over it with a fine toothed comb. I looked between the sofa cushions. I emptied the trash can. I checked the fridge. Nowhere to be found was my wayward wallet.

I wallowed in self pity for a few moments, munching on some meat-flavoured bean product that I bought from the local convenience store with some of my remaining change. Then I sprung into action, notifying my financial institutions of my misfortune. They canceled my credit cards immediately. I contacted the venues I recollected being at the night before, but they had not seen my misplaced wallet either. It was gone forever.

*****

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.” - Marcus Aurelius

Peking Dick

Beijing may be famous for its Peking duck, but some other specialties also stick out. At a roadside stall in Wangfujing I was offered a skewer of lamb penis that was being sold by a cocky food seller. He gave me the shaft. Not wanting to be a dick, I purchased and devoured the organ. My roommate did not want to be a member to the act, so he refrained from gobbling the knob. He felt like a wiener as he watched me chew on the sheep schlong.

My flatmate also vowed never to accompany me to the first specialty palace of phallus in the world. The Guolizhuang genital restaurant serves the love skin of various animals, boasting a virile customer base and strong growth prospects. Privately owned and operated, it is not a stop on any of the standard package tours.

Swine Dining

The swine flu epidemic has swept across the globe, putting fear in the hearts of men. While most of the world has pig on their mind I have it in my stomach. At Hadilao Hot Pot, I had pig brains accompanied with helpings of duck blood and fungus. A hot pot is a bowl of simmering broth in which different food items can be dropped. It is placed in the center of the dining table so that everyone can participate in the process of cooking and eating. The communal meal is particularly popular during the harsh Beijing winter. For the inexperienced hot potter, it is sometimes difficult to determine when the meat has been fully cooked and is ready to eat. The brain was left in the bowl for an extra long amount of time before being consumed as a safety precaution.  

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“It is the quiet pigs that eat the meal.” - Irish Proverb

Subway Saviour

As is the custom in overpopulated nations, mass transit users get on board vehicles before other passengers have a chance to disembark. Usually the members of the opposing groups collide, push, shove, slip, squeak, and slither until each side is where they want to be. One day on the Beijing subway, a peasant girl was left behind in this transition. The rest of her family had made their way onto the train successfully, but the little girl was still on the platform.

As the warning bell sounded and the subway doors started to close from each side, the parents suddenly realized that she had been left behind. The mother started screaming, while the father attempted to retrieve the daughter. The doors were sliding shut quickly and the father could not reach his daughter from inside the train. When there seemed to be little hope for salvation, my heroic instinct kicked in. Just as the authorities had blocked my website, I blocked the door. While I prevented one side from closing, the mother held the other door at bay. This gave the father just enough time to leap onto the platform, scoop up the bewildered child, and hop back on board moments before the doors closed and the train started moving.

With the crisis averted I returned to gazing at my reflection in the subway windows. Meanwhile, the mother had lost her temper. Her hysterical rage was directed at the father, who had forgotten to make sure the daughter was with them when they were aboard the train. The father looked around sheepishly as his wife screamed and screeched. The little girl wailed for a good five minutes, wiped her eyes, and promptly stomped on her father's foot. Noticing the new scuff mark on his shoe, the father delivered a soft but swift kick to his daughter's rear. She immediately started crying again, which led to further scolding of the father by the mother.

Soon my stop arrived. As the shrieking and crying continued in the background, I enjoyed a nice game of Chinese bowling as I got off the train. This is a traditional game where the people who are trying to get on the train and the people who have no intention of getting off the train but are still blocking the doorway act as human pins, while whoever is trying to get out is the ball.

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"Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world."
- Rebecca Harding Davis

Fashion Show

"Stunning to the senses, soothing to the soul..."

As the new star of the Beijing social scene, I ignited passion in the hearts of both local and expatriate women alike when I made a surprise appearance at a charity fashion show taking place at the Green T. House. Miss China, Miss Beijing, and Miss Shanghai from years past were also in attendance at the slick venue. Flanked by my Irish roommate, his American coworker, and a flock of ARNABabes, I posed for photographers and munched on appetizers for most of the night.

The actual fashion show was very brief, lasting for around ten minutes. Female models wearing vintage threads prowled the makeshift catwalk as the flashbulbs went off continuously in front (and behind) of them. The stark white interior of the room provided a good contrast to the dark garments adorning the models. Some had happy expressions on their faces, while others sported angry, indifferent, or vacant looks. One of the leggy models had developed a slight hunch, most likely stemming from the fact she was 1.3 times the height of the average Chinese man. Even if my tantalizing beauty were to be taken out of the equation, there were enough stunners present to make it a memorable evening.

The Summer Palace

The most spectacular of the non-Great Wall sites that I have visited in and around Beijing has been the Summer Palace. It was a place of rest and entertainment for the ruling families, combining natural beauty with the comforts required by royalty. The three square kilometres of the palace are composed of majestic landscaping and architecture surrounding the man made Kunming Lake. I spent six hours at the regal complex, known in Chinese as "The Garden of Clear Ripples" or "The Garden of Nurtured Harmony" at different times in its history. The most famous occupant of the Summer Palace was the cunning Empress Dowager Cixi, who went from being one of the Emperor's many concubines to the de facto ruler of China for almost 50 years after his death.

I explored the temples, halls, pavilions, and pathways of the Summer Palace. I was visiting the UNESCO World Heritage Site a week before the official start of busy season, but the tourists were already out in full force. Many of these visitors opted for a relaxing boat ride to one of the islands in the middle of the lake. The best views of the imperial gardens are afforded from atop Longevity Hill, which was built using the soil that had to be excavated to form Kunming Lake. Inside the hall where opera and theatre performances took place is a room for the artists get prepared and put on their make up. Within this room is a hidden treasure - the first car to be imported into China.

I also strolled along the recently restored Suzhou Street, a canal with a bevy of stores bordering each side. This was built so that the royals could go there and pretend to shop like regular folks. I attempted to play a musical instrument that resembled a bowling ball at one store, while other merchants tried to sell me calligraphic versions of my name, noodles, and clothes that resembled what the emperors wore so that I could pose for a nice souvenir photo.

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"For us who live in cities Nature is not natural. Nature is supernatural. Just as monks watched and strove to get a glimpse of heaven, so we watch and strive to get a glimpse of earth. It is as if men had cake and wine every day but were sometimes allowed common bread." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

The Good, the Badaling, and the Ugly

My roommate's good friend from Ireland was visiting, so we made our way to the Badaling section of the Great Wall. This is the most accessible and popular portion of the wall. After Jiankou, it was the second part of the Great Wall I visited, but the first segment that had been been fully restored to its original state. Railings, garbage bins, and surveillance cameras had also been added. Heavily crowded with tourists, Badaling still retains its charm as a wonder of the world.

We caught a bus from the Beijing Hub of Tour Dispatch near Tiananmen Square. Before reaching Badaling we made a brief stop at Minghuang Waxworks Palace, where we were given a thoroughly historical overview of the Ming Dynasty via life size wax representations of various pivotal events.

In China, English songs are often played on the music system of stores and vehicles, although very few people may understand the true meaning of the lyrics. In a particularly cruel twist of fate, the in-bus entertainment included the song Don't Want No Short Dick Man. Among the passengers were dozens of Chinese men and I.

A Touch of Green

As St Patrick's Day approached, three friends and I attended the annual Irish Ball that takes place in Beijing. The upscale gala held at the Kerry Center is one of the highlights of the city's social calendar, with the dual purpose of celebrating Irish culture and raising funds for charity. Most of the socialites in attendance were pushing retirement age, with the youth contingent consisting primarily of us, several authentic Irish dancers and musicians flown in for the event, and a smattering of English teachers.

After cavorting with the ARNABabes for the better part of the night, I was left holding a wig of unknown origins as the party wound down. In the meantime, a rumour had spread like wildfire amongst the ranks of the young ladies at the ball. Apparently the dashing son of the Indian ambassador had made an appearance, stealing the hearts of several debutantes. I do not recollect seeing him face to face, except perhaps for a moment or two in the gentlemen's washroom.

The Birdcage

 As I was wandering around Dawanglu, the neighbourood in which lies my palatial Chinese estate, I stumbled upon a confusing monument. A giant steel birdcage was placed in a small public square, nestled between the skyscrapers of Beijing's Central Business District (CBD). Oddly enough, it was empty. The piece looked rather new, so the empty birdcage could have been a metaphor for the unlimited potential of the people of modern China being let loose on the world. Or it could be that the locals simply ate the creature residing within it without inviting me over for a taste. I investigated further and found several large birdlike sculptures a few blocks away, leaving me further baffled.

Chinglish Ideals

Chinglish is the lovable form of entertainment produced by a mix of the Chinese mind and the English language. As I was walking along the street in Beijing one night I saw a van with the following Chinglish paragraph written on its side:

In Beijing, have a set of one's own houses, it is most untiring ideals of people. The ones that enabled more persons to live in got up in the good house, is ideals all the time of the others too. Go to in the city, mutually encourage between ideal and ideal.

Caught on CCTV Camera

My favourite homegrown television channel in China is CCTV. China Central Television comes in many languages (Mandarin, English, French, and Spanish) and flavours (music, sports, news, etc.). It is one of my primary sources of information. I even had the honour of appearing on the English language channel of China's national broadcaster.

After enjoying a virtuoso juggling act by the famed American performer Bryson Lang, my roommate and I were about to leave the Goose & Duck entertainment complex when we were encouraged to stay on a little longer. A CCTV crew happened to be on hand to film a few clips of the bar's cheerleaders - the GeeDettes. They perform a short series of choreographed dance sequences. An audience of leering foreigners in the front row would be a welcome addition to the video clip and we fit the bill perfectly.

As we sat directly in front of the dancing girls, my roommate noticed the cameraman gesturing at us and quickly snapped a photo of him. During an interval in filming, the director approached us and instructed us to move our bodies in sync with the movement of the girls and the beat of the music. We grudgingly complied to the best of our dancing abilities, which were none whatsoever. Occasionally, my roommate's head bobbed but no discernible movements were made by the ARNABody.

The Ladybars of Sanlitun

My Irish flatmate arrived five days after I had moved in to my apartment. To welcome him a night on the town was in order. He was keen on visiting the House of Suzie Wong's. Supposedly a trendy Beijing club visited by Chinese ladies looking to snag Westerners, it turned out to be salsa night. After catching a few performances, we hurriedly left.

The night was still young so we took a taxi to the bar street in Sanlitun, Beijing's most famous nightlife area. I had been warned not to come here since it catered to the depraved. We were greeted by a line of brightly lit establishments with neon decor and groups of sinister individuals offering us ladies. We declined the offers and found a place with live music. Inside, a man offered to draw our portraits and a woman tried to sell us flowers. Once the band called it a night, so did we.

*****

Chinese tout: Lady?

Frenchman: Absolutely not.

Chinese tout, leaning in with eyebrow raised: Sorry?

Prejudice

My Chinese market research company conducted several English language focus groups in Beijing. My colleagues had to transliterate the comments the participants had scrawled on the worksheets that had been given to them. The writing was by and large quite messy. I provided valuable assistance in deciphering the more difficult to read words. One lady at the office asked what the word "prejudice" meant, so I explained that it is having an opinion in advance that colours someone's judgement.

Chinese lady:  I have prejudice against you. Right?
Arnab: Yes, but it's bad to have a prejudice.
Chinese lady: I can say you have prejudice against me. You have prejudice against me.
Arnab: How?
Chinese lady: I really beautiful, but you thought no.

*****

See also: Pride (totally unrelated)