National Treasure #1

With public drunkenness rivalling baseball and video gaming in popularity as South Korea's national sport, it comes as no small surprise that the occasional mishap takes place. Five years ago in Seoul, one drunkard wobbled through the streets of the capital city on unsteady legs until he arrived at Sungnyemun. Located near the bustling markets of Namdaemun, Sungnyemun was one of the gates of the fortress walls that encircled Seoul in the past.

Having imbibed an inappropriately large quantity of alcohol, the boozer set fire to South Korea's officially designated National Treasure #1. Despite the best efforts of valiant firefighters, the six hundred year complex was badly damaged by the flames after quietly witnessing several Korean dynasties, Japanese occupation, dictatorship, and democracy.

Although not totally destroyed, Sungnyemun would require even more reconstruction work than the average K-girl. A five year, 22 million US dollar rebuild took place and the reconstructed gate was unveiled to the public in May 2013. The restoration team was composed of the finest artisans and historians in the nation. They used traditional techniques and materials wherever possible but also added extra fireproofing to the stone and wood structure.

The current prime minister and former dictator's daughter, Park Geun-hye, was on hand during the opening ceremony. The crowd was composed of many oldsters, who let out a loud roar of approval upon her arrival. Her father was the man they hold responsible for transforming South Korea into an economic powerhouse, and some of that goodwill has trickled down to the lady president decades later. She looked in the direction of International Treasure #1 and gave me a quick wave, before beginning a speech to commemorate the special occasion.

*****

"The rebirth of Sungnyemun means more than just the restoration of a cultural asset. It heightens the pride of the Korean people once again and will serve as a gate to a new era of hope." ~ President Park Geun-hye

Green Tea in Boseong

When an extremely rare three day long weekend appeared on the calendar, most of Korea was on the move. A journey from one end of South Korea to the other should take at most around 5 hours. My bus ride to Boseong lasted 10 hours, but bumper to bumper traffic on the national highway was only part of the problem. I was traveling with a friend who was headed over to his hometown of Wando in the same general direction. We were already over an hour behind schedule by the time we escaped the holiday related chaos at the express bus terminal in Gangnam.

The rest areas on the highway were packed, so we were redirected to a makeshift facility which was nothing more than a giant parking lot with several portable potties. The consistently predictable mistake or sadistic tendency of planners and architects around the world to put the same number of male and female stalls without calibrating for the physiological and behavioural differences of each gender proved our downfall here. The men finished their business in around 15 minutes despite the 200 meter long line up. Several cheated and just took leak at the side of the parking lot, away from any prying double eyelids. The women took another hour as the men snoozed on the bus.

At another rest stop we waited for half an hour for two missing passengers to show up, until the driver got a call that the the pair of dimwits had boarded another bus which somehow happened to have the exact same two seats free. That bus had deposited them in the middle of the highway, and we picked them up en route. "I can't even understand Korean but I got on the right bus. How difficult can it be?" moaned an under-skilled yet over-compensated English teacher who was headed for the annual Boseong Green Tea Festival as well.

By the time we finally reached Boseong it was dinner time. My friend and I enjoyed a sumptuous pork barbecue before he continued on to his hometown. I dropped my backpack at a minbak (guesthouse) operated by an old grannie and then enjoyed a cultural performance in the town's main square. I returned to the guesthouse early so the grandmother would not have to stay awake too long waiting for me.

This allowed me to wake up extremely early the following day and reach the tea fields before the holiday crowds stormed the idyllic location, a frequent backdrop for locally produced movies and television serials. The plantations were a vivid shade of green, akin to the colour that my face changes to every time I see an irresistible Korean beauty accompanied by an effeminate boyfriend with about as much personality as he has body hair.

Apart from the green tea itself, I tried out some green tea yogurt and ice cream at some of the festival stalls. As a kind and thoughtful colleague, I bought some green tea crackers at the tourist shop within the grounds of the tea field. I handed the gift to a coworker who laughed cruelly upon examining it, pointing to the fine print on the packaging stating the crackers had been manufactured somewhere near Seoul and not in Boseong itself.

*****

Tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally coarse in their nervous sensibilities will always be the favourite beverage of the intellectual. ~ Thomas de Quincey 

Conversations with K-girls: No Idea

K-girl: <emitting a random stream of English words>

Me: Yes, yes.

K-girl: Do you have any idea what I am saying?

Me: No.

K-girl: Me neither.

Ice Fishing at Hwacheon

My fishing skills are about as well honed as the critical thinking abilities of an average South Korean youth. Nevertheless, I could not pass up the opportunity to visit the annual ice fishing festival in Hwacheon. The region is the first part of South Korea to freeze over in winter time. After a hearty dakgalbi luncheon at Chuncheon and a scenic drive past snow covered hills and frozen lakes, I arrived at the site of the Hwacheon Sancheoneo (Mountain Trout)  Festival.

The well organized event is a heavy favourite of young families. The lengthy sheet of ice that plays host to the festival is divided up into plots with separate entrances so that the crowds are distributed evenly across the frozen surface of Hwacheoncheon. Fishing equipment is readily available at stalls beside the entrances, although using bare hands is a fun alternative. The holes in the ice had already been dug, but I am unaware whether it was the handiwork of festival organizers or prior visitors. I tried several different holes of varying sizes.

Some of the 10,000 daily visitors were heavily invested into the activity, sticking their heads into the holes to see if they could catch a glimpse of any sea creatures. Others were more nonchalant about their participation in the festival. A K-girl was glued to her smartphone, operating the gigantic device with one hand and weakly holding the fishing rod with the other as if it was an overpriced vanilla latte. It was speculated that she was playing an addictive fishing game on her phone.

At regularly scheduled intervals a truck would pull up to the edge of the river bed. Festival staff would throw hundreds of trout transported from parts unknown into the water. A frenzy of activity would take place around this time, with many yelps of excitement emanating from attendees of indistinguishable gender as they celebrated their catch. The event is staged to ensure everyone comes out a winner, but despite an hour or so of focused effort and Korean office worker-like diligence I was unable to capture any trout.

*****

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. ~ Henry David Thoreau 

Mr. Toilet and the House of Poo Poo

In Beijing, I once visited a poop themed restaurant. The seats were life-sized toilets, and the covers could be lifted up to see if a special brown souvenir had been left behind. Instead of tissues, there was a toilet paper dispenser. The food itself was not feces flavoured, although it was still crappy. It was served in miniature toilets. An artificial turd was affixed to the bottom of each cup, emerging into view only after the drinker had almost finished their beverage.

The Koreans and the Chinese seem to share this love of turds, as the city of Suwon boasts a toilet museum as one of its top three tourist attractions. I have also seen several eateries around Korea selling dung shaped desserts.

The toilet museum is dedicated to a former mayor of Suwon who was reported to have been born in an outhouse. Sim Jae-duck, aka Mr. Toilet, had encouraged the construction of many public toilets in the city. He also helped established the World Toilet Organization (WTO) to promote the worthy cause of global sanitation.

I dropped by the manure museum near closing time, so I could only experience the well fertilized grounds. I did not have time to enter the house that Mr. Toilet built, missing out on a chance to see the winning entries of the first annual Golden Poop Painting Contest. This year's theme was 'Humorous Poop'.

The outdoor sculptures are a sight to behold, with the ecstasies and agonies of defecating etched into each man, woman, and child's face for all eternity. One exhibit was about the legendary ddong dwaeji of Jeju, a pig that fattens itself on man made brown gold before being eaten themselves. The black pigs are known for having extra flavour.