Giant Panda

Panda bears eat early in the morning and then nap for the rest of day. Since they are vegetarians subsisting on a diet of bamboo, they have little energy to waste. I had to rise at dawn to catch them during feeding time at Chengdu's world famous Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. Founded in 1987 and boasting a population of six giant pandas, now there are about 80 pandas kept in captivity here. Tourists can purchase the opportunity to take a picture with the lovable creatures, with proceeds going towards further panda protection efforts. Attendants go out into the panda pen and grab one of the bears, who sedately cling on to the fellow as they are taken to the photo shoot. With most of their natural habitat destroyed by man, the pandas at the base lead a sheltered life where they are provided with free food and health care. 

As the pandas munched on bamboo shoots, a brawl suddenly erupted between two Chinese tourists. The attention of the crowd shifted from bear to man. The two combatants fought with great tenacity and vigour, if little skill. A fresh faced security guard ran to the scene to see what the hubbub was about, before completing a full revolution and running back in the direction he came from. A few able bodied Westerners had separated the two pugilists by the time he returned with reinforcements. The men were then escorted out and everyone's attention shifted towards the pandas once more.

*****

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. "Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage. The panda pauses on his way out, produces a wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and finds an explanation:

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Giant Buddha

The world's largest sculpture of Buddha sits against a cliff wall at the confluence of three rivers near the city of Leshan in Sichuan province. Many boats met with their doom at this point, so a monk decided to construct a giant statue of Buddha to ward off further calamities. Construction begin in 713AD and lasted for almost one hundred years. It remains in good condition to this day, although its nose has been blackened by modern day pollution. The world's largest handkerchief is said to be in production in a nearby factory.

*****

"The mountain is a Buddha and the Buddha is a mountain." - Local saying

Gobs of Spit

One of the favourite pastimes of my Chinese comrades is to spit noisily in public. Whenever I hear a thunderous throat clearing noise followed by a symphony of spray and splotch, I know another gob of spit has left the mouth of a citizen and found its way on to the pavement. If there is silence following the release, the spittle has most likely landed on a living creature or some other absorbent material. The exact composition of the dribble varies, sometimes containing phlegm or leftovers from a past meal mixed with the saliva.

'Do not gob anywhere' signs do little to discourage the activity. The subzero temperatures of winter bring along miniature ice skating rinks, as each new drop of spit freezes in place on the pavement where it landed. Sometimes I hear the windup behind me and try to predict the gender of the spitter, turning around to check only after the drool has been discharged. More often than not, I guess incorrectly.

*****

"Hhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhooiikkkkkkkkkkkhhhhhhhh......pppthhhwwwwiee" - Anonymous

The Fragrant Hills

Xiangshan or "Fragrant Hills" is a mountainside park located in the northern fringes of city of Beijing. The most popular time to visit is during autumn, when the hills are ablaze with the red and orange leaves that have gently fallen from the trees. I went in winter. Although there is a cable car that can be taken to the peak of the highest hill, I chose to take the more scenic route. The strenuous hike to the top was completed by both young and old. I passed musicians, singers, temples, and villas along the way.

As the only visible non-native that day making the 600 meter climb, the Chinese eagerly pointed at me and said "foreigner" in their local tongue. I was accompanied by a Chinese girl who had previously worked in the same company as I in India, so she could translate the remarks of the fellow hikers. To keep me energized, the girl continuously plied me with chocolate, biscuits, and duck tongues. I was nonetheless famished once we reached the top, so I purchased some preserved dog meat and chowed it down. Revitalized, the way back down was swift and painless.

*****

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
- Anne Dudley Bradstreet

Condom Conundrum

A long time family friend was visiting Beijing with her elderly brother-in-law. She asked me to come over and stay the night at their hotel near the airport. I stayed in a room with the gentleman, while she slept in a separate room. Early next morning, it was time for them to catch their flight out of the city, so we checked out. As we patiently waited for the airport shuttle bus to arrive, a concierge approached us. He pantomimed that we had used an item in our room and not paid for it. As this was an international hotel, his English vocabulary was non existent.

Upon closer examination it was determined that he was holding a condom. The family friend expressed her complete shock and surprise at the peculiar turn of events. "They are uncle and nephew. No need for a condom!" she exclaimed. One of the desk girls snidely retorted "It not free, you know.". The argument reached a deadlock, so a visual inspection of our room was suggested. This confirmed our innocence and all involved breathed a sigh of relief.

*****

“Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” - Bob Rubin