The Rise of the ARNACuties

The Goose 'n Duck is a Canadian sports bar in Beijing catering to the twisted tastes of Westerners. As I was explaining the concept of ARNABabes, ARNABeauties, ARNABombshells, and the ARNABride to a partially inebriated Irishman, a group of nubile Chinese ladies ran out in front of us in cheerleading outfits and began to dance. As the cheerleaders gyrated to popular beats, the Irishman presented a cogent argument. He lamented that in China there were very few beauties; the women were either cute or ugly. Since ARNABeauties would be low in numbers, the rogue suggested I focus on ARNACuties instead.

Full Moon

As I was strolling down a main thoroughfare in Beijing, I was somewhat intrigued when I thought that a small child was mooning me. I did not want to stare so I looked further ahead, only to see a whole column of similarly non-attired children on the sidewalk. I would find out that it had nothing to do with the lunar calendar.


The first bums I have seen on the streets of Beijing belonged to small children. Following environmentally sound best practices the toddlers have refrained from wearing diapers, opting instead for a hole in the pants. Sporting a stylish slit in their garments around their rear ends, the tiny tots deposit their byproducts near the trees that line the sidewalks. If no trees are in sight other crevices or receptacles suffice. The curvaceous contours of the ARNABum have yet to make a public appearance, as toilet facilities have so far been plentiful.

*****

Bumper sticker: Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.

Where's Walmart?

I had noticed a building in Beijing with the words "Walmart Supercenter" reasuringly emblazoned near the top of it. The first day that I meandered around the complex I discovered a department store taking up seven floors of the building, a food court, a five star hotel, a movie theatre, and a video game arcade. A Walmart was not to be seen anywhere, so I went home.

I returned soon thereafter to the site, this time approaching the building from the rear. I spotted the entrance to the Walmart at once, and saw that the escalators led downstairs. It was a hidden underground facility teeming with consumers. As I entered it, founder Sam Walton's shining visage welcomed me. His name tag had been digitally altered, so both the English and Chinese versions of his name were clearly visible (unlike the entrance to the store).

The Walmart offered everything from live turtles in the seafood section to liquor to clothing. I had come searching for a box of Dove chocolate bars, which hold the highest market share in China's intensely competitive chocolate industry. I found small portions of dove, in chocolate and meat form, but not in bulk so I went home empty handed.

Orange Crushed

As part of my ongoing study of the eating habits of modern civilizations, I visited a KFC outlet in China. I ordered a Beijing style wrap combo. For my drink, I asked for an Orange Crush. After paying for and collecting my meal, I sat down and began to eat.

With the soothing sounds of the Backstreet Boys playing in the background, I took a bite out of my Kentucky Fried Crab. As I slurped my drink, my tongue started to sizzle. I noticed the smoke first, and then the pain. The Orange Crush was actually boiling hot orange juice. Logically, orange juice is served at a high temperature during the cold winter months. My taste buds would recover in due time for further culinary adventures.

Gruel

My office building has its own food court. A card has to be purchased and loaded with funds. It is possible to pay for items at all the restaurants in the food court by swiping this prepaid card as long as a balance remains. Many of the meals are accompanied by a bowl of thick soup.

I am fond of the soup but my Chinese colleagues could not tell me its English name right away. The direct translation turned out to be "millet gruel". This is what orphans in 19th century had for sustenance as they laboured in factories. Although it has a bad reputation, it has a good taste.

*****

"Please, sir, I want some more." - Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens