Summerbeats 2008

First scheduled for Mother's Day and then rescheduled two more times, Summerbeats finally took place on June 22, 2008 at the Orpheum Theatre. The audience was full of energy and participated fully in the festivities, singing along and dancing on several occasions. With a balcony seat, our view was only partially obscured by the silhouettes of men with disproportionately large heads and women with disproportionately large noses who insisted on walking in and out of the concert hall throughout the night.


A packed roster featuring Atif Aslam, Kailesh Kher, Richa Sharma, and Amanat Ali allowed for around 45 minutes of stage time per performer. Since the show began half an hour late, headliner Atif Aslam's performance was cut short since he came on stage at the very end. My fan girls momentarily switched their allegiance to the singer, and chants of "Atif! Atif! Atif!" echoed throughout the hall. There was no grand finale that had the audience on its feet as was the case with all the other singers. Amanat Ali's youthful energy, Richa Sharma's professionalism, Kailesh Kher's soulful Sufi melodies, and Atif's Aslam's stylish renditions provided something for everyone.

EAT! Vancouver

May 23, 2008 - I had some time available in my busy schedule before heading off to watch the premiere of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It also happened to be the opening night of EAT! Vancouver - the Everything Food + Cooking Festival. I did not pass up a chance to savour some tasty delights underneath the giant dome, and picked up a few recipes to add to my extensive repertoire at the same time.


There were sculptures made of chocolate, a wine tasting area, and many nations had set up booths sponsored by their respective tourism departments. Several stalls of prominent Vancouver restaurants were selling appetizer sized dishes for a couple of dollars worth of money. Cash had to be converted into coupons first, and then these coupons could be redeemed for the food items. Luckily, many other restaurants and food manufacturers were offering free food samples that were eager to fill my empty stomach. From sushi, jam, and pizza to dog food, pudding, and popcorn, I tasted the gamut of available treats. Somewhere through the culinary journey I developed a rash, but since I had eaten such a variety of dishes I could not trace the source of my discontent with any accuracy.

At the Food Network Celebrity Stage, I watched a cooking demonstration by BC's most famous chef Rob Feenie. Once he was finished, I posed for a photograph with him. I asked him whether he had ever cooked turtle, a specialty of mine, but he replied that his son would be very upset with him if he even attempted to do such a thing. Having satisfied my inner gourmand, I exited the premises just in time to see Vancouver mayor Sam Sullivan roll past me. It was another unexpected treat in a night full of them.

*****

My rotund friend to operator of Indian food stall: I like butter chicken.

Stall operator: I can see that.

*****

Me (after being banned from a VIP seminar on cheese): The cheese is so close, but so far.

Cheese server: Tell me about it.

The Madman

According to the Are You a Psychopath? Test, I am not one:

"You have many of the same qualities of a psychopath while also showing some delusional tendencies. This is deeply concerning, but there is a faint chance that with therapy and medication you could be a productive member of society. You're probably not a psychopath."

Four variables were tracked to determine my psychopathic makeup - empathy, delusionality, sociability, and lawfulness. I was higher than 13% of the other survey takers on the empathic scale, higher than 55% on delusional, higher than 20% on sociable, and higher than 36% on law-abiding.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

In India, I would frequent sidewalk stalls or more refined establishments for the purposes of trimming my hair. I would also get a shave at the barbershop, and occasionally indulge in a head massage or facial treatment. I would vigilantly note whether the barber used a new razor blade to minimize my chance of infection. In Canada, I must perform the barberly duties myself due to my comparatively low standard of living. My previous duties were limited to seating myself in front of the barber and being aware of safety issues. They have now multiplied to include the actual act of pogonotrophy itself and the ensuing cleanup.

After many hours of blood, sweat, and hairs, I have become somewhat of an expert at cultivating the ARNABeard and in preventing the reunification of the ARNABrow. I pay carefeul attention to the follicles on my face, but I sever all emotional attachment to them the moment they are no longer attached to my bodice. I often neglect the post-trim environmental maintenance which includes tasks such as washing and cleaning all the tools of the trade - the disposable razor for a quick shave, the electric razor for more advances styling, and the miniature sewing scissors for shaping. The gathering of the fur that has fallen to the ground like rain from the heavens is not a task I look forward to either. Some of the hair escapes my attention and makes their way into the pipe and sewage system of my home. On one occasion, all the pipes had become clogged and were in danger of exploding due to the vast deposits of my threadlike fibre. A professional plumber had to be called in during this time of crisis to handle the hairy situation.

Defecation Diaries

After much thought and deliberation, James provides an alternate interpretation of the KYBO principle:

"I would make one adjustment to your definition of KYBO. KYBO is more of a general principal of not suffering the uncomfortable burden of holding it in. It's not necessarily someone who makes use of an outhouse.

KYBO Case Study: As a youth in Boy Scouts, Jeremiah had been indoctrinated with a belief in the KYBO principle. While walking down Granville Street one morning, he felt a powerful and immediate urge to expunge. Not being able to hold it in long enough to find a toilet, Jeremiah ducked behind an alley and released a fudge-monkey on the concrete."

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An ARNABlog fanatic who is about to embark on his own Indian odyssey asks "Any tips on how to avoid the casual gifts from the sky? Even though they are supposed to bring good luck, I'd rather stay spared of that!". This is in reference to my numerous aerial encounters.

My advice was to consider wearing a hat and to avoid walking under trees or power lines. These locations provide birds with ideal locations for honing their KYBOing skills.