June 29, 2010

The Persecution of the ARNABeard

Afflicted with pogonophobia from an early age due to a diet free of follicly gifted men, the vast majority of Chinese girls get the the chills when they see a man with facial hair. One day, I walked onto the street with a coworker. She immediately noticed that she did not have my undivided attention. Following my appreciative gaze, she deduced the source of my distraction.

"Look, so many beautiful girls all around..." she murmured.

"But none of them can speak English." I lamented.

"Have you ever considered that they aren't the problem? That you are!"

"Eh?" I sneered, one of my eyebrows arching upward.

"You should shave your beard!"

***

"You look like a bonobo!" squealed another Chinese girl, referring to the endangered great apes of Africa.

***

"Don't worry, you are still a good human being person." a Korean girl said comfortingly, after I told her about the persecution of the ARNABeard in China.

***

Ceding to popular sentiment, I finally shaved off my magnificent mane one night. The ARNABeard had been tamed, but not for long. Virile to the core, I sported stubble by the next morning. Nonetheless, my 5 o'clock shadow was appreciated by the local beauties far more than the resplendent glory of the thick yet well groomed masterpiece that had previously decorated my face.

***

"There is always a period when a man with a beard shaves it off. This period does not last. He returns headlong to his beard." ~ Jean Cocteau

June 25, 2010

Shanghai Buddhas


There are a couple of interesting Buddhist temples in Shanghai. The Jade Buddha Temple has multiple admission levels - one to enter the temple, one to see the jade statues, and one to watch the fish swimming in the stream behind. After paying the initial entrance fee, the security guard eyed my friend Barry and I suspiciously. We lurked around the entrance, hoping to catch a glimpse of the famed jade statue as a group of cell phone wielding monks passed by.


The Temple of Peace and Tranquility looked brand new and was attached to a shopping mall. In the courtyard stood a large vase. Visitors tried to throw coins into it for good luck. Most people missed, as the coins glanced off the exterior, clattered onto the cement, and rolled away. We observed one lady who collected all these coins and pocketed the loose change. To divert attention from her insidious actions, every once in a while she performed a mock coin toss that missed horribly. She collected my daily wage in coins in the 15 minutes that we observed her. We moved on to Yuyuan Gardens. The well manicured property is one of the the more pleasant areas amidst the steel and concrete of the modern metropolis.


***

"There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed." ~ Buddha

June 19, 2010

The Olympic Flame


A cross country Olympic Torch relay culminated in the hockey god known as Wayne Gretzky being revealed as the final torchbearer of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games. The opening ceremonies were held under the domed roof of BC Place Stadium, so the Olympic Flame was to be lit in a separate outdoor location for the first time. As Prometheus stole fire from Zeus and presented it to mortals, so too did the Great One as he ignited the Olympic Cauldron to the cheers of thousands.


Unfortunately, a chain link fence was quickly erected around the site of the Olympic Flame. This was to prevent visitors from being engulfed in the flames if they got too close. Inaccessible to the public, it was hard to get an obstructed view of the flames flickering against the night sky. The unwashed masses jockeyed for position in front of a hole in the fence, so they could capture a clear snapshot of the cauldron without being incinerated.

*****

"A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark." ~ Dante Alighieri

June 17, 2010

Salad Days

"I don't see this 'ballooning' weight. However, I know FOR A FACT that drinking 1 million sugar-packed juice boxes and other similar beverages, and 3 days a week worth of fruit (although natural sugar, still sugar) is INCREDIBLEY fattening. If I did that I would 'balloon' as well… you should try giving up the juice boxes and drink a lot of water, and instead of only doing fruit try and have a nice complex salad and one piece of fruit on those days. I can guarantee you will notice significant changes in your weight and how you feel!" exclaimed my beautiful secretary to me.

She provided the friendly advice after I complained that I was going through a period of significant ARNABloating at ResponseTek. After shedding some extra pounds in India following the infamous Satyam Diet, I had started re-inflating my spare tire at my job back in Vancouver. With a world of dining options in the downtown core, I explored a new restaurant every day. The possibilities were limitless - Monday sushi, Tuesday fish and chips, Wednesday pizza, Thursday burger, Friday burrito!

After my secretary's sound salad advice, I tried alternating salad and eating out for a couple of weeks. I bought a large bag of salad into the office and left it in the freezer. On the first day it tasted fine, although incredibly bland. I could not add dressing as that would neutralize the health benefits of eating the salad. After a few bits of vegetable accidentally fell into my cup of hot chocolate, I tried mixing the salad with chocolate milk to add some flavour but the results were unsatisfactory. Two days later when I returned to the refrigerator to retrieve my salad it was completely soggy. It had become frozen solid while in the freezer and then thawed out in the fridge, leaving it a wet inedible mess. Despite good intentions, my salad experiment had ended in failure.



*****

"You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100." ~ Woody Allen

The Sport of Kings


The thoroughbred was met with silence as he entered the race track. I looked around and noticed the audience was largely made up of senior citizens who were there to gamble away their retirement savings and government pensions. Through the centuries, the popularity of the equestrian sport has always been tied to betting on its outcome. I took a seat in the grandstand right in front of the finish line. The tag line of Vancouver's Hastings Racecourse is "Bred for Excitement", but I had no idea what to anticipate in my first live horse race.


With one devastating injury all that separates them from life and death, the careers of race horses are thankless and short lived. They are given mildly amusing monikers such as "Hoof Hearted" and "Gotta Pee". The horses were escorted to their starting gates where they calmly took their position. A shot rang out and they were off, their powerful legs picking up speed as they galloped around the race course. The diminutive jockeys did their best to guide the noble steeds to the finish line, but only one would feel the thrill of victory.


*****

“A horse never runs so fast as when he has other horses to catch up and outpace.”
~ Ovid ~